[01-22]The One with the Ick Factor / 年下の恋人

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.]
Monica : Tell him.
Rachel : No.
Phoebe : Tell him, tell him.
Monica : Just…please tell him.
Rachel : Shut up!
Chandler : Tell me what?
Monica : Look at you, you won’t even look at him.
Chandler : [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won’t look at me.
Rachel : All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were…
Phoebe : Doing it on this table. [points at the table]
Chandler : Wow!
Joey : Exellent dream score.
Ross : Why, why, why would you dream that?
Chandler : More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel : Well, you were pretty damnedy good.
Chandler : Interesting, cause in my dreams, I’m allways surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap]
Rachel : Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
Ross : I love it, when we share.
[Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.]
Chandler : You’re okay there?
Ross : I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler : I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else’s subconscious.
[Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.]
Chandler : Hi Rachel.
Rachel : Get off.
Phoebe : [points at Joey’s pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
Joey : I don’t know. What are you wearing?
[Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him]
Ross : Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
Phoebe : Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
Chandler : Pirates again?
Phoebe : No, nothing like that. I was just…such a dummie. I taught this “massage-yourself-at-home-workshop”. And they are.
Joey : Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler : [sarcasticly] Thanks Joey, that’s a good idea.
Phoebe : What… I could, I could do it. What is it?
Chandler : Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. It’s a whole big boob story.
Phoebe : I could be a secretary.
Chandler : Well, you know Phoebs. I don’t know if it’s your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
Phoebe : I could do that.
[Ross’s beeper goes off]
Rachel : What are you playing with?
Ross : Oh, it’s my new beeper.
Joey : What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica : Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. ‘Help, come quick, they’re still extinct.’
Ross : No, it’s for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
Chandler : A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Monica : All right, I’ll see you guys later. [raises]
Rachel : Off to see young Ethan?
Monica : Thank you.
Joey : How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica : He’s… our age.
Chandler : When we were?
Monica : Okay, he’s a senior in college.
Ross : College?
Joey : Whoa!
Chandler : And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica : No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
All : What?
Monica : Oh, I can’t pass for 22?
Phoebe : Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica : I am 26.
Phoebe : There you go.
[Scene: Chandler’s office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]
Chandler : Can you hear that?
Phoebe : [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah?
Chandler : See That’ll stop when you pick up the phone.
Phoebe : Oh. Uh, I’m on. [picks up the phone]
Phoebe : [with a deep voice] Mr. Bing’s office. No I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting right now.
Chandler : I’m not in a meeting. I’m right… Whoops.
Phoebe : Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I’ll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
Chandler : What?
Phoebe : Ross says hi.
Chandler : Ah!
Phoebe : This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Chandler : Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
Phoebe : Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, I’m gonna be out there.
Chandler : Okay.
Phoebe : All right. Bye bye.
Chandler : Bye bye.
[The intercom buzzes]
Phoebe : Whatcha doin’?
Chandler : Ooh. [leans against the desk]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. It’s just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]
Monica : Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt’s to tight, gotta change the belt. Did i turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control?
Rachel : Just a touch. Mon, I don’t understand. I mean, you’ve been dating this guy since like, what… his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so… Oh.
Monica : What?
Rachel : Could tonight be the Night?
Monica : I don’t know. Look he’s a great guy and I love being with him but… you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don’t plan these things.
Rachel : So, did you shave your legs?
Monica : Yeah.
Rachel : Aha!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
Joey : Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn’t mean…
[Ross’s beeper goes off]
Ross : Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it’s baby time. Baby time.
Joey : All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
[Ross dials a number on his cellular phone]
Ross : [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, André is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, I’m sure… No, sir. I don’t perform those kind of services.
Joey : Services? Oh, services.
Ross : [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, belive me, you don’t want me. Judging by his number, I’d be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye.
[Phoebe and Chandler enters]
Joey : Hey, hey. How was the first day?
Phoebe : Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
Chandler : See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me.
Phoebe : No, I didn’t tell anybody that I knew you.
Chandler : Why not?
Phoebe : Oh, because, you know… they don’t like you.
Chandler : What?
Phoebe : I thought you knew that.
Chandler : Noho. Why doesn’t they like me?
Phoebe : Everyone. Except for uh… no everyone.
Chandler : What are you talking about?
Phoebe : Don’t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you’re like “Mr. Boss Man”. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, “Boss Man Bing”.
[Joey and Ross laughs]
Chandler : I can’t belive it.
Phoebe : Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
Chandler : They do me?
Phoebe : You know like… uh okay… uh… ‘Could that report be any later?’
[Joey and Ross laughs]
Chandler : I don’t sound like that.
Ross : Oh, oh Chandler…
Joey : Oh… Yeah, you do.
Ross : ‘The hills were alive with the sound of music.’
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]
Joey : [reaches for hi scones] My scones.
PhoebeJoey & Ross : ‘My scones.’
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again]
Chandler : Okay, I don’t sound like that. That is so not true.
[Joey and Chandler laughs]
Chandler : That is so not… That is so not… That… Oh, shut up!
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting in the couch.]
Monica : Did not.
Ethan : I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place wher crimes happen.
Monica : How was that possible?
Ethan : Well, think about it. It’s always on the news. ‘A man is being held up, at gunpoint.’ ‘Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.’ You know, I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go.
Monica : Okay.
[They kiss]
Ethan : Okay.
Monica : Unless–
Ethan : What?
Monica : Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I’m going to, so…
Ethan : Yeah, I’d really like that.
[They kiss]
Ethan : Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.
Monica : Okay, is this like ‘I have an early class tomorrow’ or ‘I’m secretly married to a goat’?
Ethan : Well it’s somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I’m not uh…, well I, I mean I haven’t ever uh…
Monica : Ethan–
Ethan : Yeah?
Monica : Are you a virgin?
Ethan : Well, if that’s what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I’ve kinda been waiting for the right person.
Monica : Really?
Ethan : Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
[They kiss]
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica’s bedroom, on the bed.]
Ethan : Wow!
Monica : You keep saying that.
Ethan : You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
[They kiss]
Monica : Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
Ethan : Oh god, don’t tell me, I did it wrong.
Monica : No no. Nothing wrong about that.
Ethan : Oh.
Monica : Um, okay, here it goes. I’m not 22. I’m, I’m 25… and thirteen months.
Ethan : Huh!
Monica : But I figured, you know, that shouldn’t change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
[They kiss]
Ethan : Uh, listen um, as long as we’re telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I’m a little younger than I said.
Monica : You’re not a senior?
Ethan : Oh, I’m a senior… in High School.
Monica : Ok…ay.
[Time lapse]
Monica : What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn’t alive during the Bicentennial.
Ethan : I just had sex.
Monica : Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
Ethan : Well, you never told me how old you were.
Monica : Well, that’s different. My lie didn’t make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
Ethan : I wasn’t thinking. I was too busy fallin’–
Monica : Don’t say it. [closes Ethan’s mouth with her hand]
Ethan : –in love with you.
Monica : Really?
Ethan : [nods] Sorry.
Monica : Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn’t even be here, it’s a school night. Oh god, oh god. I’m like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. I’m Joan Collins.
Ethan : Who?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.]
Ross : [on phone] Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way.
Chandler : Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel : No, forget it.
Chandler : Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly… saucy?
Rachel : All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, who’s listening very carefully] Joey was there too.
Joey : All right.
Ross : Was there…uh, huh, huh, huh… andybody, anybody else there.
Rachel : No.
Ross : You’re sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
Rachel : No, it was just the three of us.
Ross : Huh!
Joey : So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel : He, he, he. You know what?
Joey : What?
Rachel : There were times when it wasn’t even me.
[Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other]
Phoebe : That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]
[Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn’t hear what the others say]
RossRachel & Phoebe : Hey, Mon.
Rachel : Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
All : [shouting] Mon!
[Monica takes of her walkman]
Monica : What?
Rachel : Ethan called again.
Monica : Oh.
Ross : Are you not seeing him anymore?
Monica : No. You know, sometimes just things doesn’t work out.
Chandler : And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
[Monica stares at Rachel]
Rachel : I, I didn’t say any… I sw… I did not say anything, I swear.
Joey : Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest “Power Ranger” is?
[Ross and Chandler laughs]
Ross : Oh, yeah.
Monica : Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
JoeyChandler & Ross : Sorry.
Ross : It’s morphin time!
Joey : Stegosaurus!
Chandler : Tyrannosaurus!
[They all cross they’re arms like the “Power Rangers” do]
Phoebe : Ooh, oh, I’ve gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool!
Rachel : Where are you going?
Phoebe : Um, oh, I’ve got a birthday party, with some work people.
Chandler : Work people? Nobody told me.
Phoebe : No, I know. That’s a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance.
Chandler : You know, I don’t get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because I’m in charge doesn’t mean i’m a different person.
Phoebe : Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
Chandler : You think I should?
Phoebe : I really do, yeah.
Chandler : Okay.
Phoebe : Okay.
Chandler : Okay.
Phoebe : Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don’t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
[Scene: Chandler’s office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]
Chandler : I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing “Ebony and Ivory”.
Phoebe : You were great. But they still made fun of you.
Chandler : What?
Phoebe : You know, now you’re more like, you know like, “Mr. Caring Boss”, “Mr.”, you know, “I’m one of you, Boss”, “Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing”
Chandler : Then, I don’t get it.
Phoebe : Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss.
Chandler : They do?
Phoebe : Uh huh. But they’re not your friends anymore.
Chandler : I just wan’t to–
Phoebe : No, but you can’t.
Chandler : But I just wa–
Phoebe : Uh uh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross’s beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]
Monica : Aren’t you gonna–
Ross : Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she’s having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
Joey : What about André?
Ross : Oh, welll this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
[Ethan enters]
Ethan : Hey.
Monica : That was gonna be my opener.
Rachel : [understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom?
Ross : I thought that was just a rumour.
Rachel : True story.
Joey : They’re here allready?
[Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom]
Ethan : All right, look. I’ve gotta tell you something. I’m not 17. I only said so that you’d think I was cute and vunerable. I’m actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I’m your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we’re great together. We can talk , we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.
Monica : It was.
Ethan : Then, what’s the problem?
Monica : Ethan, it’s um… it’s icky.
Ethan : Icky? You’re actually gonna throw this away because it’s icky?
Monica : This isn’t easy for me either. I wish things were different, I… If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really–
Ethan : No, don’t say it. [closes Monica’s mouth with his hand]
Monica : –love you.
[Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren’t finished talking to each other yet.]
Ross : Are you’re hands still wet?
Joey : Uh, moist, yeah.
Rachel : Let’s dry ’em again.
[They go to the bathroom again]
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees’s conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]
Gerston : Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler.
Santos : Hello, Mr. Bing.
Petrie : Loved your “Stevie Wonder” last night.
Chandler : Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I’m gonna need them on my desk by nine o’clock.
Santos : Sure.
Gerston : No problem.
[They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler]
Chandler : You have to give ’em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who’s the guy with the moustache?
Phoebe : Petrie.
Chandler : Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebody’s gonna be working this weekend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
Rachel : [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, that’s nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross.
[Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.]
Rachel : Ross?
Ross : I’m here.
Rachel : You are. Well, um… We, we, we were just…
Ross : What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now I’m having a baby.
Rachel : What?
Ross : Ooh, Ooh.
Rachel : What?
Ross : I’m having… I’m having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] I’m having a… Where’s the phone? The phone?
Rachel : I don’t know where the phone is.
[Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor]
Rachel : Ross?
Ross : I’m hurt.
[Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]
Ross : Monica, let’s go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
[Chandler struts out from his apartment]
Chandler : Hey Ross, look what I’ve got going here.
Ross : Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
[Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands]
Ross : What are you doing? We’re going to a hospital.
Rachel : What, so I can’t lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
Ross : Joey, get out of the fridge.
Joey : All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand]
Ross : What is that? [refering to the sandwich]
Joey : For the ride.
Chandler : Yeah, like in a cab–
Ross : Save it.
Chandler : Okay, hating this.
Ross : Monica, come on now. Let’s go, baby coming.
[Monica enters from their apartment, crying]
Monica : I can’t belive it, I’m gonna be an aunt. I’m gonna have like a nephew.
Ross : That’s nice. Get out Let’s go, come on.
Joey : All rihgt, I’m going. I’m going.
[They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.]
Chandler : Here we go, here we go.
Rachel : Rossy, Rossy.


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