[Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Everyone is looking at papers]
Joey : How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?
Monica : I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
Rachel : Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica : I know. It’s just such reckless spending.
Ross : I think when someone steals your credit card, they’ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler : Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica : That’s me.
Phoebe : Oh! The yuk! Ross, he’s doing it again! [Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa]
Ross : Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- [Marcel runs toward Rachel’s room] come here, Marcel-
Rachel : Oh no, not in my room! I’ll get him.
Monica : Ross, you’ve got to do something about the humping.
Ross : What? It’s, it’s just a phase.
Chandler : Well, that’s what we said about Joey…
Ross : Would you all relax? It’s not that big a deal.
Rachel : [Out of shot] Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross : What?
Rachel : Let’s just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
[Scene 1: Monica and Rachel’s, late at night. Mon is still up examining her bill. Rachel emerges from her room]
Rachel : Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
Monica : This woman’s living my life.
Rachel : What?
Monica : She’s living my life, and she’s doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I’m intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.
Rachel : You’re not an artist.
Monica : Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don’t.
Rachel : Oh, Monica, c’mon, you do cool things.
Monica : Oh really? Okay, let’s compare, shall we.
Rachel : [Yawning] Oh, it’s so late for ‘Shall we’…
Monica : Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
Rachel : [Yawning] Nooo…
Monica : This is so unfair! She’s got everything I want, and she doesn’t have my mother.
[Scene 2: Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names]
Chandler : How about Joey… Pepponi?
Joey : No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that’s more neutral.
Chandler : Joey… Switzerland?
[The waitress brings their coffee]
Joey : Plus, y’know, I think it should be Joe. Y’know, Joey makes me sound like I’m, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him funny] Which I’m not.
Chandler : Joe…Joe…Joe…Stalin?
Joey : Stalin…Stalin…do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Chandler : Well, it does not ring a bell with me…
Joey : [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y’know, that’s pretty good.
Chandler : Might wanna try Joseph.
[Joey visibly thinks ‘Of course!’ and writes it down]
Joey : Joseph Stalin. I think you’d remember that!
Chandler : Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
[Scene 3: Mon+Rach’s. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel]
Rachel : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey.
Monica : Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I’m taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.
Phoebe : What are you doing?
Monica : [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I’m going to tap class.
Rachel : What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?
Monica : This woman’s got my life, I should get to see who she is.
Rachel : Go to the post office! I’m sure her picture’s up! …Okay, Monica, y’know what, honey, you’re kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
Phoebe : This is madness. It’s madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, Monica, DON’T DO IT!! …Thank you.
[Scene 4: Tap class. The girls are standing at the door]
Monica : What d’you think?
Phoebe : Lotsa things.
[They go in and sit down]
Rachel : Which one do you think she is?
[The teacher comes up to them]
Teacher : May I help you?
Monica : Oh, no thanks, we’re just here to observe.
Teacher : You don’t observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
Rachel : What does she mean?
Phoebe : I think she means [Imitates] ‘You dance a dance class’. Oh, c’mon, c’mon. [They put on some spare shoes]
Monica : Okay, d’y’see anybody you think could be me?
Teacher : [To the class] People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let’s not have that happen again!
Rachel : She could be you.
Teacher : Let’s get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight…
[Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders]
Monica : Okay, I’m not getting this!
Phoebe : [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I’m totally getting it!
Monica : Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
[Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class]
Rachel : What? You just click when they click.
Teacher : Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
[The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it]
Phoebe : Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I’m with Rachel.
Monica : Great. It’s gym class all over again.
Phoebe and Rachel : Aww.
Teacher : Well that’s all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
Monica : Why don’t I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
[She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in]
Woman : It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. Sorry I’m late, okay, here I am. Who’s the new tense girl?
Teacher : She’s your partner.
Woman : Hi. I’m Monica.
Monica : Oh. Monica! …Hi. I’m Mo- …nana.
Woman [Fake Monica] : Monana?
Monica : Yeah. It’s Dutch.
Fake Monica : You’re kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. [Asks her something in Dutch]
Monica : Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
Teacher : And we’re dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight…
[Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived]
Ross : [Mortified] Hi.
Chandler and Joey : Hey.
Joey : Where’ve you been?
Ross : At the vet.
Chandler : She’s not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
Ross : She says Marcel’s humping thing’s not a phase. Apparently he’s reached sexual maturity.
Joey : [To Chandler] Hey! He beat ya.
Ross : She says as time goes on, he’s gonna start getting agressive and violent.
Chandler : So what does this mean?
Ross : I’m gonna have to give him up.
[Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the Three Monkeys]
Joey : I can’t believe it, Ross. This sucks!
Chandler : I don’t get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
Ross : I know. I know. I mean, one day, he’s this little thing, and before you know it, he’s this little thing I can’t get off my leg.
Joey : Isn’t there any way you can keep him?
Ross : No, no. The vet says unless he’s in a place where he has regular access to some… monkey lovin’, he’s just gonna get vicious. I’ve just gotta get him into a zoo.
Joey : How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler : I know that one! …No, that’s Popes into a Volkswagen.
Ross : Well, we’re applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y’know, like, uh, San Diego… right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y’know, he’s out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that’s a possibility.
Chandler : Yeah, but that’s like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it’s a total party zoo.
[Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe : Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Chandler : What?
Joey : Did you call the cops?
Rachel : Nope. We took her to lunch.
Chandler : Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Ross : What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She’s a stealer.
Monica : Y’know what? After you’re with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit.
Ross : Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler : …Take off their hats!
Phoebe : Popes in a Volkswagen! …I love that joke.
[Scene 6: Monica and Rachel’s. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there]
Rachel : No way. No way did you do this.
Fake Monica : Monana was very brave.
Monica : It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
Fake Monica : So once they caught on to the fact that we’re, y’know, short and have breasts…
Monica : …They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
Rachel : Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don’t know. Don’t wait up. [Exits]
Fake Monica : Oh, by the way, tomorrow we’re auditioning for a Broadway show.
Monica : ‘Scuse me?
Fake Monica : There’s an open call for Cats. I’m thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Monica : Nononononono. Think who you’re dealing with here. I mean, I’m not like you. I-I can’t even stand in front of a tap class.
Fake Monica : Well, that’s just probably ’cause of your Amish background.
Monica : What?
Fake Monica : Well, you’re Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Monica : Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
Fake Monica : I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets’ Society?
Monica : Uh-huh.
Fake Monica : I thought that movie was so incredibly… boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can’t be in the play? What was that?! It’s like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, ‘Now, that’s two hours of my life that I’m never getting back’. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Monica : Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
[Scene 7: Mon+Rach’s, later. Everyone but Joey and Monica is there]
Ross : [Reading letters] Oh God. [To Marcel] We didn’t get into Scranton. [To the others] That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don’t know who this is harder on, me or him.
Phoebe : I’d say that chair’s taking the brunt.
Ross : Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
Rachel : Oh, somebody will.
Joey : You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler : You’re kidding.
Joey : Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You’d think you would’ve known that!
Chandler : Y’know, you’d think I would’ve.
Joey : Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
Phoebe : …Flame Boy.
[Scene 8: Central Perk. Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper]
Ross : Where exactly is your zoo?
Dr. Baldhara : Well, it’s technically not a zoo per se, it’s more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
Ross : Yes.
Dr. Baldhara : Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
Ross : Nono, he’s, he’s very docile.
Dr. Baldhara : Even if he were… cornered?
Ross : Well I, I don’t know. Why?
Dr. Baldhara : Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
Ross : He can hold a banana, if that’s whatcha mean…
Dr. Baldhara : How about a hammer, or a small blade?
Ross : Why- why- why would he need a blade?
Dr. Baldhara : Well, if he’s up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you’ve got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it’s just cruel.
[Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel]
Chandler and Joey : He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.
Joey : We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing-
Chandler : -He’s in.
Ross : He’s in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!
Dr. Baldhara : You’re making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego’s all well and good, but if you give him to me, I’ll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
[Scene 9: Monica and Rachel’s. Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk]
Monica : Yo- hooo!
Rachel : Where the hell’ve you been?
Monica : Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
Rachel : Are you drunk?!
Monica : Noooo! [Comes closer and whispers] I’m lying. I am so drunk.
Rachel : Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y’know what, you could’ve called, I have been up here, I’ve been worried…
[Monica is drinking from the tap]
Rachel : Monica? Monica!
Monica : Water rules!
Rachel : Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you’re gonna be showing up for work?
Monica : Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
Rachel : Okay Monica, what are you doing? You’re gonna lose your job! This is not you!
Monica : No, it is me! Y’know, I’m not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y’know, when I’m with her, I am so much more than that. I’m- I’m Monana!
[The phone rings and Rachel answers]
Rachel : Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it’s for you, the credit card people.
Monica : Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
Rachel : What?
Monica : They’ve arrested Monica.
[Scene 10: NYC Department of Correction. Monica is visiting Fake Monica]
Monica : Hi.
Fake Monica : Hey.
Monica : How are you?
Fake Monica : I’m not too bad. Fortunately, blue’s my colour. How- how did you know I was here?
Monica : Because… I’m Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
Fake Monica : That I was not expecting.
Monica : I want you to know, it wasn’t me who turned you in.
Fake Monica : Oh. Thanks.
Monica : No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn’t for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre!
Fake Monica : Well, actually, you only got to sing ‘Memo-‘.
Monica : I just can’t believe you’re in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who’s gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who’s gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Fake Monica : Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you’re worried about who’s gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
Monica : Well, not… worried, just… wondering.
Fake Monica : There’s nothing to wonder about, Monica. You’re gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that’s who you are.
Monica : Not necessarily…
Fake Monica : Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it’s the Amish thing.
Monica : Um, I’m not actually Amish.
Fake Monica : Really? Then why are you like that?
[Scene 11: Tap class. Monica is standing by the door]
Teacher : You by the door. In or out?
Monica : In. [She joins in the dancing. She still flounders]
Teacher : You in the back, you’re getting it all wrong!
Monica : Yeah, but at least I’m doing it!
[Scene 12: The airport. Everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel]
PA : This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Phoebe : Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don’t eat it ’till you get on the ‘plane.
Ross : Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Phoebe : Oh!
Chandler : Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there’s gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there’s also a lot to learn.
Joey : I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it’s a monkey.
Ross : Just, just say what you feel.
Joey : Marcel, I’m hungry.
Ross : That was good.
Rachel : [Brings Marcel a teddy bear] Marcel, this is for you. It’s, uh, just, y’know, something to, um, do on the ‘plane.
Ross : Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment, just me and him.
All : Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. [They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room]
Ross : Marcel, c’mere, c’mere. [He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him] Well buddy, this is it. There’s just a coupla things I want to say. I’m really gonna miss you, and I’m never gonna forget about you. You’ve been more than just a pet to me, you’ve been more like a be- [Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg] Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.
[Marcel is put in a cage and taken away. Closing credits]
[Credits scene: A casting session somewhere]
Actor : [Very melodramatically, and very badly] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might… touch thy cheek…
Casting Director #1 : That’s fine, thank you.
Casting Director #2 : Next. [Joey walks onstage]
Joey : Hi, uh, I’ll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Casting Director #2 : Name?
Joey : Holden McGroin.