100年戦略

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.]

Monica : Tell him.

Rachel : No.

Phoebe : Tell him, tell him.

Monica : Just…please tell him.

Rachel : Shut up!

Chandler : Tell me what?

Monica : Look at you, you won’t even look at him.

Chandler : [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won’t look at me.

Rachel : All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were…

Phoebe : Doing it on this table. [points at the table]

Chandler : Wow!

Joey : Exellent dream score.

Ross : Why, why, why would you dream that?

Chandler : More importantly, was I any good?

Rachel : Well, you were pretty damnedy good.

Chandler : Interesting, cause in my dreams, I’m allways surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap]

Rachel : Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

Ross : I love it, when we share.

[Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.]

Chandler : You’re okay there?

Ross : I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler : I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else’s subconscious.

OPENING CREDITS

[Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.]

Chandler : Hi Rachel.

Rachel : Get off.

Phoebe : [points at Joey’s pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

Joey : I don’t know. What are you wearing?

[Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him]

Ross : Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Phoebe : Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Chandler : Pirates again?

Phoebe : No, nothing like that. I was just…such a dummie. I taught this “massage-yourself-at-home-workshop”. And they are.

Joey : Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

Chandler : [sarcasticly] Thanks Joey, that’s a good idea.

Phoebe : What… I could, I could do it. What is it?

Chandler : Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. It’s a whole big boob story.

Phoebe : I could be a secretary.

Chandler : Well, you know Phoebs. I don’t know if it’s your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

Phoebe : I could do that.

[Ross’s beeper goes off]

Rachel : What are you playing with?

Ross : Oh, it’s my new beeper.

Joey : What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Monica : Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. ‘Help, come quick, they’re still extinct.’

Ross : No, it’s for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

Chandler : A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

Monica : All right, I’ll see you guys later. [raises]

Rachel : Off to see young Ethan?

Monica : Thank you.

Joey : How young is young Ethan? Young?

Monica : He’s… our age.

Chandler : When we were?

Monica : Okay, he’s a senior in college.

Ross : College?

Joey : Whoa!

Chandler : And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica : No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All : What?

Monica : Oh, I can’t pass for 22?

Phoebe : Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica : I am 26.

Phoebe : There you go.

[Scene: Chandler’s office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]

Chandler : Can you hear that?

Phoebe : [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah?

Chandler : See That’ll stop when you pick up the phone.

Phoebe : Oh. Uh, I’m on. [picks up the phone]

Phoebe : [with a deep voice] Mr. Bing’s office. No I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting right now.

Chandler : I’m not in a meeting. I’m right… Whoops.

Phoebe : Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I’ll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

Chandler : What?

Phoebe : Ross says hi.

Chandler : Ah!

Phoebe : This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Chandler : Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Phoebe : Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, I’m gonna be out there.

Chandler : Okay.

Phoebe : All right. Bye bye.

Chandler : Bye bye.

[The intercom buzzes]

Phoebe : Whatcha doin’?

Chandler : Ooh. [leans against the desk]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. It’s just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]

Monica : Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt’s to tight, gotta change the belt. Did i turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control?

Rachel : Just a touch. Mon, I don’t understand. I mean, you’ve been dating this guy since like, what… his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so… Oh.

Monica : What?

Rachel : Could tonight be the Night?

Monica : I don’t know. Look he’s a great guy and I love being with him but… you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don’t plan these things.

Rachel : So, did you shave your legs?

Monica : Yeah.

Rachel : Aha!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]

Joey : Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn’t mean…

[Ross’s beeper goes off]

Ross : Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it’s baby time. Baby time.

Joey : All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

[Ross dials a number on his cellular phone]

Ross : [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, André is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, I’m sure… No, sir. I don’t perform those kind of services.

Joey : Services? Oh, services.

Ross : [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, belive me, you don’t want me. Judging by his number, I’d be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye.

[Phoebe and Chandler enters]

Joey : Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Phoebe : Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

Chandler : See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me.

Phoebe : No, I didn’t tell anybody that I knew you.

Chandler : Why not?

Phoebe : Oh, because, you know… they don’t like you.

Chandler : What?

Phoebe : I thought you knew that.

Chandler : Noho. Why doesn’t they like me?

Phoebe : Everyone. Except for uh… no everyone.

Chandler : What are you talking about?

Phoebe : Don’t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you’re like “Mr. Boss Man”. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, “Boss Man Bing”.

[Joey and Ross laughs]

Chandler : I can’t belive it.

Phoebe : Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

Chandler : They do me?

Phoebe : You know like… uh okay… uh… ‘Could that report be any later?’

[Joey and Ross laughs]

Chandler : I don’t sound like that.

Ross : Oh, oh Chandler…

Joey : Oh… Yeah, you do.

Ross : ‘The hills were alive with the sound of music.’

[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]

Joey : [reaches for hi scones] My scones.

Phoebe, Joey & Ross : ‘My scones.’

[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again]

Chandler : Okay, I don’t sound like that. That is so not true.

[Joey and Chandler laughs]

Chandler : That is so not… That is so not… That… Oh, shut up!

[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting in the couch.]

Monica : Did not.

Ethan : I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place wher crimes happen.

Monica : How was that possible?

Ethan : Well, think about it. It’s always on the news. ‘A man is being held up, at gunpoint.’ ‘Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.’ You know, I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go.

Monica : Okay.

[They kiss]

Ethan : Okay.

Monica : Unless–

Ethan : What?

Monica : Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I’m going to, so…

Ethan : Yeah, I’d really like that.

[They kiss]

Ethan : Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Monica : Okay, is this like ‘I have an early class tomorrow’ or ‘I’m secretly married to a goat’?

Ethan : Well it’s somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I’m not uh…, well I, I mean I haven’t ever uh…

Monica : Ethan–

Ethan : Yeah?

Monica : Are you a virgin?

Ethan : Well, if that’s what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I’ve kinda been waiting for the right person.

Monica : Really?

Ethan : Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

[They kiss]

[Time lapse. They are now in Monica’s bedroom, on the bed.]

Ethan : Wow!

Monica : You keep saying that.

Ethan : You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

[They kiss]

Monica : Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Ethan : Oh god, don’t tell me, I did it wrong.

Monica : No no. Nothing wrong about that.

Ethan : Oh.

Monica : Um, okay, here it goes. I’m not 22. I’m, I’m 25… and thirteen months.

Ethan : Huh!

Monica : But I figured, you know, that shouldn’t change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

[They kiss]

Ethan : Uh, listen um, as long as we’re telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I’m a little younger than I said.

Monica : You’re not a senior?

Ethan : Oh, I’m a senior… in High School.

Monica : Ok…ay.

[Time lapse]

Monica : What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn’t alive during the Bicentennial.

Ethan : I just had sex.

Monica : Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Ethan : Well, you never told me how old you were.

Monica : Well, that’s different. My lie didn’t make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

Ethan : I wasn’t thinking. I was too busy fallin’–

Monica : Don’t say it. [closes Ethan’s mouth with her hand]

Ethan : –in love with you.

Monica : Really?

Ethan : [nods] Sorry.

Monica : Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn’t even be here, it’s a school night. Oh god, oh god. I’m like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. I’m Joan Collins.

Ethan : Who?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.]

Ross : [on phone] Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way.

Chandler : Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel : No, forget it.

Chandler : Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly… saucy?

Rachel : All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, who’s listening very carefully] Joey was there too.

Joey : All right.

Ross : Was there…uh, huh, huh, huh… andybody, anybody else there.

Rachel : No.

Ross : You’re sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

Rachel : No, it was just the three of us.

Ross : Huh!

Joey : So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel : He, he, he. You know what?

Joey : What?

Rachel : There were times when it wasn’t even me.

[Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other]

Phoebe : That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

[Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn’t hear what the others say]

Ross, Rachel & Phoebe : Hey, Mon.

Rachel : Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

All : [shouting] Mon!

[Monica takes of her walkman]

Monica : What?

Rachel : Ethan called again.

Monica : Oh.

Ross : Are you not seeing him anymore?

Monica : No. You know, sometimes just things doesn’t work out.

Chandler : And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

[Monica stares at Rachel]

Rachel : I, I didn’t say any… I sw… I did not say anything, I swear.

Joey : Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest “Power Ranger” is?

[Ross and Chandler laughs]

Ross : Oh, yeah.

Monica : Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Joey, Chandler & Ross : Sorry.

Ross : It’s morphin time!

Joey : Stegosaurus!

Chandler : Tyrannosaurus!

[They all cross they’re arms like the “Power Rangers” do]

Phoebe : Ooh, oh, I’ve gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool!

Rachel : Where are you going?

Phoebe : Um, oh, I’ve got a birthday party, with some work people.

Chandler : Work people? Nobody told me.

Phoebe : No, I know. That’s a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance.

Chandler : You know, I don’t get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because I’m in charge doesn’t mean i’m a different person.

Phoebe : Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler : You think I should?

Phoebe : I really do, yeah.

Chandler : Okay.

Phoebe : Okay.

Chandler : Okay.

Phoebe : Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don’t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler’s office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler : I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing “Ebony and Ivory”.

Phoebe : You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Chandler : What?

Phoebe : You know, now you’re more like, you know like, “Mr. Caring Boss”, “Mr.”, you know, “I’m one of you, Boss”, “Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing”

Chandler : Then, I don’t get it.

Phoebe : Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss.

Chandler : They do?

Phoebe : Uh huh. But they’re not your friends anymore.

Chandler : I just wan’t to–

Phoebe : No, but you can’t.

Chandler : But I just wa–

Phoebe : Uh uh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross’s beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]

Monica : Aren’t you gonna–

Ross : Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she’s having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

Joey : What about André?

Ross : Oh, welll this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

[Ethan enters]

Ethan : Hey.

Monica : That was gonna be my opener.

Rachel : [understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom?

Ross : I thought that was just a rumour.

Rachel : True story.

Joey : They’re here allready?

[Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom]

Ethan : All right, look. I’ve gotta tell you something. I’m not 17. I only said so that you’d think I was cute and vunerable. I’m actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I’m your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we’re great together. We can talk , we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

Monica : It was.

Ethan : Then, what’s the problem?

Monica : Ethan, it’s um… it’s icky.

Ethan : Icky? You’re actually gonna throw this away because it’s icky?

Monica : This isn’t easy for me either. I wish things were different, I… If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really–

Ethan : No, don’t say it. [closes Monica’s mouth with his hand]

Monica : –love you.

[Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren’t finished talking to each other yet.]

Ross : Are you’re hands still wet?

Joey : Uh, moist, yeah.

Rachel : Let’s dry ’em again.

[They go to the bathroom again]

[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees’s conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]

Gerston : Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler.

Santos : Hello, Mr. Bing.

Petrie : Loved your “Stevie Wonder” last night.

Chandler : Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I’m gonna need them on my desk by nine o’clock.

Santos : Sure.

Gerston : No problem.

[They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler]

Chandler : You have to give ’em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who’s the guy with the moustache?

Phoebe : Petrie.

Chandler : Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebody’s gonna be working this weekend.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]

Rachel : [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, that’s nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross.

[Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.]

Rachel : Ross?

Ross : I’m here.

Rachel : You are. Well, um… We, we, we were just…

Ross : What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now I’m having a baby.

Rachel : What?

Ross : Ooh, Ooh.

Rachel : What?

Ross : I’m having… I’m having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] I’m having a… Where’s the phone? The phone?

Rachel : I don’t know where the phone is.

[Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor]

Rachel : Ross?

Ross : I’m hurt.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]

Ross : Monica, let’s go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

[Chandler struts out from his apartment]

Chandler : Hey Ross, look what I’ve got going here.

Ross : Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

[Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands]

Ross : What are you doing? We’re going to a hospital.

Rachel : What, so I can’t lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Ross : Joey, get out of the fridge.

Joey : All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand]

Ross : What is that? [refering to the sandwich]

Joey : For the ride.

Chandler : Yeah, like in a cab–

Ross : Save it.

Chandler : Okay, hating this.

Ross : Monica, come on now. Let’s go, baby coming.

[Monica enters from their apartment, crying]

Monica : I can’t belive it, I’m gonna be an aunt. I’m gonna have like a nephew.

Ross : That’s nice. Get out Let’s go, come on.

Joey : All rihgt, I’m going. I’m going.

[They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.]

Chandler : Here we go, here we go.

Rachel : Rossy, Rossy.