Phoebe : (voiceover) Previously on Friends
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]
Joey : There’s this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, y’know? ‘Ccause we’re really good friends.
Ross : So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy?
Joey : Yeah, he’s the best.
Ross : Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey : Oh, I don’t know.
Ross : Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey : I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I?
Ross : Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until…)
Joey : It’s Rachel.
[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]
Ross : (closes the door) Did you um, I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel?
Joey : Yes.
Ross : Um, you…you like Rachel?
Joey : Yes. I like Rachel.
Ross : Rachel?!
Joey : (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh, Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross.
Ross : But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
Joey : Yeah, but it’s not a big deal.
Ross : It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like, you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep?
Joey : I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic.
Ross : Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel?
Joey : Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away.
Ross : Y’know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)
Joey : Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t…
Ross : (stops) I just, y’know, I-I just have one, Rachel?!
(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says “Rachel?!” again. Joey sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)
Gunther : Rachel?!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]
Rachel : Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking!
Chandler : Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She’s growing inside you.
Rachel : Whoa!!
Chandler : Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)
Rachel : Wow that was a big one.
Chandler : I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.
Phoebe : (entering) Oh hey you guys!
Chandler : Oh hey!
Rachel : Hi!
Phoebe : Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
Rachel : Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.
Phoebe : Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?
Chandler : No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist.
Phoebe : Okay, good.
Chandler : Why?
Phoebe : Well last night, I met Monica’s.
Chandler : What?
Phoebe : Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.
Chandler : Come on, don’t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.)
Rachel : (To Phoebe) Well, what’s he like?!
Phoebe : Well he’s tall.
Rachel : Uh-huh.
Phoebe : He has brown hair.
Rachel : Of course, of course.
Chandler : A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!
Phoebe : He works with food!
Rachel : Oh sure. Older?
Phoebe : Obviously, and he’s British.
Rachel : Oh, I was just gonna ask!
Phoebe : Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident.
Rachel : Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet.
Chandler : Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.
Phoebe : Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but, y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more.
Chandler : You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him?
Phoebe : Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]
Monica : Hey.
Ross : Hey.
Monica : I just talked to Joey, I just, I want to see how you were.
Ross : Oh y’know, I still, I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder!
Monica : All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again.
Ross : Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of my child.
Monica : Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react.
Ross : Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin.
Monica : Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel!
Ross : He’s not?
Monica : No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont.
Ross : Why?
Monica : He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him.
Ross : Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. (Pause) It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know?
Monica : Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend.
Ross : Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him.
Monica : All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monica’s soul mate.]
Phoebe : Oh! Hi!
Monica : Hi!
Phoebe : Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Don : Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler’s hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica’s hand.)
Phoebe : (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.
Chandler : (mouths to Phoebe) What?
Phoebe : (cough talks) Soul mate.
Monica : So, what have you guys been doing?
Don : Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?
Monica : I know! What is this, 1985?!
Don : That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange.
Phoebe : Not really.
Chandler : What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there’s staring.) No?
Monica : So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?
Don : Well, Octavio, 27&7. Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s.
Monica : Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there.
Don : You’re kidding me!
Monica : No!
Don : Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
Monica : Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you.
(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)
Chandler : What are you doing?!
Phoebe : Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So…
Chandler : I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!
Phoebe : They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen.
Monica : (returning) Phoebe, good work.
Phoebe : Yeah?
Monica : Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe : Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else.
[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross.]
Joey : Hey.
Ross : Hey.
Joey : Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it.
Ross : No, I don’t want to hit you.
Joey : Oh what then? Kick me?
Ross : No.
Joey : (getting worried) Bite me?
Ross : No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)
Joey : Oh now. Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something?
Ross : Uh…yeah sure. (Enters.)
Joey : Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t…
Ross : Okay.
Joey : (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh…I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
Ross : Thank you.
(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)
Joey : Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so…
Ross : What?! You’re in love with her.
Joey : Yeah, I thought you knew that.
Ross : Umm, no.
Joey : Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, “Ah, I’ll get over this.” Y’know? I just, It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do?
Ross : I think you need to tell her how you feel.
Joey : Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’.
Ross : No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
Joey : But what if uh…and I’m not saying she will be…But…
Ross : If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way.
Joey : Are you sure?
Ross : Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. So…
Joey : Hey thanks.
Ross : So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her?
Joey : Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say?
Ross : I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.
Joey : I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!
Ross : Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.]
Don : …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.
Chandler : Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?
Don : Excuse me?
Chandler : Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.
Don : Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.
Monica : Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.
Don : And you’re still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)
Monica : You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese. Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat.
Don : Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at.
Chandler : Is it made of cheese?
Don : No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?!
Monica : I’d move in tomorrow!
Chandler : (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?
Phoebe : I’m so sorry.
Chandler : What do we do?
Phoebe : I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel’s, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]
Joey : Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.)
Rachel : Joey? What’s up?
Joey : I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something.
Rachel : Okay what’s up?
Joey : Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
Rachel : Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?
Joey : Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all.
Rachel : Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? (Walks away.)
Joey : Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don’t you people ever knock?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Monica : I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Chandler : Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.
Monica : Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon.
Chandler : Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.
Monica : Jeez! What is with you?
Chandler : I’m sorry, did you say cheese?
Monica : All right, what’s going on?
Chandler : Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica : Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?
Chandler : No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does.
Monica : I don’t believe in soul mates either.
Chandler : You don’t?
Monica : No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.
Chandler : So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?
Monica : No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
Chandler : I love you.
Monica : I know.
Chandler : Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalapeno peppers . (Monica doesn’t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.]
Rachel : …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay?
Joey : What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…(Exhales slowly) Is it hot in here?
Rachel : No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?
Joey : I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
Rachel : Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
Joey : Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)
Rachel : Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much.
Joey : Uh… How long have we known each other?
Rachel : Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.
Joey : Uh-huh, long time.
Rachel : Yeah.
Joey : But over the past few weeks…
(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)
Waiter : Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight…
Joey : Actually uh, could you give us a second?
Waiter : Sure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns back) Second’s up! (Joey glares at him.) Not…that kind of table. (He walks away.)
Rachel : So you were saying?
Joey : I’m not quite sure.
Rachel : Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, “Eight years.” And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are.
Joey : Yeah, here we are. Uhh… I… I think I’m…falling in love with you.
Rachel : (stunned) What?
Joey : I’m falling in love with you.
Rachel : (looking around) Who are you talking too? Oh, you’re kidding! Oh, it’s a joke! (Laughs.) It’s funny. It’s funny. I don’t get it. (Joey doesn’t say any thing and Rachel realizes it’s not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm… I-I…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When?
Joey : Does it really matter?
Rachel : Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.
Joey : Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!
Rachel : Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I…
Joey : But. (Hangs his head down.)
Rachel : Joey.
Joey : Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. (Stands up.)
Rachel : No! Joey please! Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.)
Joey : Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. (Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to her.)
Rachel : Can I? (Hug him.)
Joey : Sure!
Rachel : Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose…
Joey : Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever!
Rachel : I’m so sorry.
Joey : Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. (They hug again.) Y’know I was only kidding you.
Rachel : Yeah, that was a real good one.
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching.]
Waiter No. 2 : Is this your table?
Waiter : Yeah.
Waiter No. 2 : God, you’re gonna be here all night!
Waiter : I know! I haven’t even read them the specials yet!
Waiter No. 2 : What’s the matter with them?
Waiter : I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it’s the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!