100年戦略

[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]

Ross : I think the check in is that way. (Points)

Rachel : Ahh.

(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)

Rachel : Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.

Phoebe : (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!

Ross : Phoebe! (They hug.)

Phoebe : You guys are here! Yay!

Rachel : Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe : (sees Rachel’s face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you’re Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)

Rachel : Pancho Vila?

Phoebe : Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel’s “make-up.”)

Rachel : What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don’t… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!

Ross : Hey, you wet my pants!

Phoebe : Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Rachel : Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)

Ross : Rach! Wait! The men’s room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)

(The old lady at Phoebe’s machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)

Phoebe : Ugh!

Ross : What?

Phoebe : That’s like the third time that lady’s won on a machine I was playing.

Ross : Oooohhh, I’ll bet she’s one of those people.

Phoebe : M-M-Mole people?

Ross : What? No-no, a lurker.

Phoebe : Oh. What’s a lurker?

Ross : Okay when you’re playing a machine and it hasn’t paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…

Phoebe : Kills you?

Ross : No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

Phoebe : Ohhh!

Ross : Uh-hmm.

Phoebe : How do you know about this?

Ross : My nana used to do it. That’s how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.

Phoebe : Dance karate?

Ross : Yes, it’s a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)

Rachel : (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won’t come off!

Ross : What?!

Rachel : It won’t come off!

Ross : Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?

Rachel : No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.

Joey : (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!

Ross : Joey!!

Joey : All right! Hey-hey!

Rachel : Hi!!

Joey : Who’s your friend? He’s hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)

Ross : (To Joey) Thanks man.

Rachel : Hi. (She hugs Joey.)

Ross : Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.

Joey : No, don’t be sorry. I don’t need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!

Ross : Your what?

Joey : My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!

Ross : What?! That’s not gonna make you any money!

Joey : Okay. Well, if that’s how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.

[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]

Monica : All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!

Chandler : (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.

Monica : Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!

Chandler : What does it look like? I’m going home.

Monica : What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don’t want me to see Richard again, I won’t! He means nothing to me!

Chandler : Come on! I was there! (He’s propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he’s the love of your life.

Monica : Not any more.

Chandler : Really?!

Monica : Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let’s forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.

Chandler : Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.

[Scene: A blackjack table, it’s the same one Joey’s hand twin was working at, only he’s not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]

Joey : (entering) Uhh, hey. Where’s the other guy?

The Woman Dealer : Which guy?

Joey : He’s kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?

The Woman Dealer : I don’t know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.

Joey : Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin’?

The Woman Dealer : Very busy.

Joey : Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn’t they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it’s just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer’s at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn’t and it’s just one of those things TV writers just don’t explain. Anyhoo…]

Ross : (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend’s face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn’t think so. (Listens) I know it’s like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn’t cover it and we’ve tried everything to get it off and nothing’s worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it’s not coming off.

Rachel : What?! What else did he say?

Ross : Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let’s just go downstairs, we’ll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.

Rachel : Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!

Ross : Oh, come on! Rach, it’s-it’s not that bad.

Rachel : Ross, I am a human doodle!!

Ross : Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!

(They both exit.)

[Time lapse, they’re both entering.]

Ross : Okay, there was some staring and pointing.

Rachel : Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)

Ross : Oh, hey y’know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it’s all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!

Rachel : (she’s finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?

Ross : (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That’s-that’s some pricey nut!

Rachel : Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)

Ross : Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?

Rachel : Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)

[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]

Phoebe : (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn’t move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)

Chandler : (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe : Ohh! You made up!

Monica : Yeah, I couldn’t be mad at him for too long.

Chandler : Yeah, she couldn’t live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)

Phoebe : Ohh, get a room.

Monica : We have one.

Phoebe : I know. Use it.

[Scene: The Men’s room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]

Joey : Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That’s right, you take good care of those babies!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Excuse me?

Joey : It’s me, Joey!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Do I know you?

Joey : (holds up his hand) Joey!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.

Joey : Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Nothing?

Joey : Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA’s gonna wanna talk to us!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : (tries to leave) I have to get back to…

Joey : (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y’know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that’s your hand! No wait, it’s my hand!

Joey‘s Hand Twin : That’s okay. (Walks out.)

Joey : (following him) But you haven’t even heard the chorus!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]

Rachel : Oh my God, I’m starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.

Ross : (gets up) All right. Y’know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we’ll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.

Rachel : Hit me!

Ross : (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)

Rachel : I bet 20.

Ross : You’re right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)

[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler’s with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]

Monica : (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!

Chandler : Yes! I’ve-I’ve never seen a roll like this in my life!

Monica : That’s right baby! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler : Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?

Monica : Pick a number! That is your only job!

Chandler : 8. 8!

Monica : Thank you!

Chandler : If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!

All : Yay!!

The Croupier : 8!

Monica : Yes!

All : Yay!!

Monica : (To Chandler) We’re not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?

Chandler : Noo!

Monica : Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler : Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.

Monica : What?

Chandler : Two fours.

Monica : Okay. (Rolls the dice)

The Croupier : 8!:

A Drunken Gambler : (To Chandler) Don’t you let her go! You’re a lucky guy!

Chandler : Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.

Monica : All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)

Chandler : (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can’t even remember what we were fighting about!

Monica : Oh, that’s because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler : Another hard 8.

Monica : Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!

Chandler : Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.

Drunken Gambler : Go! Come on! Roll!

All : Roll-roll!!

Monica : Shut up!! It just got interesting!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]

Monica : What did you just say?

Chandler : You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.

Monica : Are you serious?!

Chandler : Yes! I love you! I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Monica : I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Chandler : Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must’ve been some movie I saw.} What do you say?

Monica : Okay!

Chandler : Okay! Come on! Let’s go! All right!

(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)

Chandler : (spots one) Okay! That’s a four! And where-where’s the other one?

Drunken Gambler : It went under the table.

Monica : Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I’ll look this way!

Chandler : All right!

(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They’re both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It’s propped up against the table leg, and it’s not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)

Chandler : Here it is! Here it is!

Monica : That could be a four or a five. It’s your call.

(Pause.)

Chandler : It’s a four.

Monica : I think so too.

(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time it’s Dean Martin (For those of you in France, that was Jerry Lewis’s straight man). It’s Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)

[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]

Phoebe : Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That’s it! You and me, outside!

The Lurker : I don’t want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!

(They start smacking each other’s cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)

Phoebe : Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!

The Lurker : What?!

Phoebe : Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I’m gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I’m gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I’ll be on your ass every hour of every day ’til Monday, because that’s when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker : Also Monday.

Phoebe : What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, they’ve pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they’re feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]

Rachel : Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)

Ross : (runs out of cards) We need more cards.

Rachel : Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y’know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!

(They both start laughing. There’s a knock on the door.)

Ross : That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)

Joey : Hey!

Ross : Ohh, it’s Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)

Rachel : Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)

Joey : Hi!

Rachel : Hey!

Joey : Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!

Ross : I’ll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I’m your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There’s one problem though, he’s about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Joey : Yeah! I’m fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin’?

Rachel : I’m doin’ good, baby. How you doin’?

Joey : Ross, don’t let her drink anymore! (Exits)

Ross : Ohh, here’s that Macadamia nut!

Rachel : Ohhh!!

Ross : (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)

Rachel : Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?

Ross : I wanna get out of the room! Y’know, I…I really miss downstairs.

Rachel : Okay, y’know what? There’s only one way I’m leaving this hotel room.

[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]

Ross : Well hello! I’m Ross!

Rachel : Good luck to ya!

Ross : Excuse me sir, you’ve got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)

(They’ve made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)

Rachel : Wow!

Ross : (bowing) Hello!

Rachel : (bowing) Hello!

Ross and Rachel : (bowing) Hello!

(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)

[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker’s position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]

Phoebe : I won! I won! I finally won!

The Lurker : I won! That was my quarter!

Phoebe : Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)

(The security guard approaches.)

The Lurker : (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)

The Security Guard : (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?

Phoebe : (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.

The Security Guard : What?!

Phoebe : She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)

The Lurker : It was my quarter!

The Security Guard : (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?

Phoebe : How about we talk about this over dinner?

The Security Guard : Okay lady, you’re out of here.

Phoebe : No! No, you can’t arrest me! No!! I won’t go back! I won’t go back to that hell hole!!

The Security Guard : I’m just taking you outside!

Phoebe : Oh, okay. (Walks out.)

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica : Okay, come on, I can’t get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler : Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here’s something, here’s something blue and new.

Monica : You’re so efficient. I love you!

Chandler : Let’s go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica : No-no-no! We need something old!

Chandler : Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I’ve had since I was twelve.

Monica : That’ll work!

Chandler : I don’t think so.

Monica : Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler : (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica : That’s stealing!

Chandler : No, we’ll-we’ll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica : Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler : Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who’s dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! “Join me, and together we’ll rule the universe as father and son!” (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don’t have to see it!)]

Joey : (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Are you gonna play?

Joey : No-no, I don’t really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.)

Joey‘s Hand Twin : You can’t sit here if you’re not gonna play.

Joey : (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y’know, looking at it now, they really don’t have that similar of hands. Joey’s are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)

Phoebe : (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I’m a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must’ve left it in conference room B.

Joey‘s Hand Twin : (To Joey) 14.

Joey : Hit me! (He does so.)

Phoebe : Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They’re identical! Now, I’ve never seen anything like that in the business world.

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Stop it!

Joey : Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Please stop it!

Joey : Wouldn’t you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?

Joey‘s Hand Twin : (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!

(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)

The Security Guard : (To Phoebe) Didn’t I just throw you out of here?

Phoebe : No, you threw out Phoebe. I’m Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange!

The Security Guard : Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)

Joey‘s Hand Twin : Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)

Joey : Me?! Oh come on, man! You can’t do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I’m your hand twin!!

[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]

Chandler : Hello! One marriage please!

Monica : Yep, we wanna get married!

The Attendant : Well, there’s a service in progress. Have a seat.

Chandler and Monica : All right.

(They both sit down.)

Chandler : (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Monica : What are you doing?

Chandler : Oh, that’s The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?

Monica : No, only because that’s the graduation song.

(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)

Chandler : Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We’re gonna get married!

Monica : Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel’s carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross : Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel : Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel : Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they’re standing there dumbstruck as The King’s (Elvis Presley to the yougin’s) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, “Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!” Fade to Black.)