[Scene – video store interior, Monica rushes in with a movie, and the CLERK at the front desk accepts and barcodes it in]
Clerk : Six dollars, please.
Monica : Six? I just had it for one night … it’s three.
Clerk : Eight o’clock’s the cutoff and (checking his watch) ohh, it’s 8:02.
Monica : Y’know, in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you’re gonna have to help me out here, because I only have three.
Richard : (who appears a distance behind Monica) I can help with that.
Monica : Oh my god … Richard? Hi!
Richard : Hi!
Monica : (noticing that Richard has shaved off his moustache) Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the CLERK the extra three) Thanks. (she fixes her hair)
Richard : So … you look great.
Monica : Heh, yeah, *right* (laughs)
Richard : (looking her up and down) No, you do, y- … you just, y- … y- …
Monica : What?
Richard : You got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica : (as she removes them, she clears her throat) That’s because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer and … static cling … or maybe it’s just ’cause God knew I’d be running into you and saw an opportunity.
Richard : Well, it’s good to see you.
Monica : It’s good to see you, too. (they embrace, and as Richard looks behind Monica, he finds another piece of clothing clinging to her coat, he decides not to say anything about it)
[Scene – continued, the video store interior, Monica is looking at a stranger in the back who is standing in a section marked “Classics” but periodically gazes over at the section labelled “Adult”]
Monica : See – See that guy? He’s in “Classics” now, but you know as soon as we leave, he’s going straight to the porn.
Richard : He’s gonna go up to the counter with “Citizen Kane”, “Vertigo” and “Clockwork Orgy”. (after they share a laugh, Richard looks Monica in the eye) This is nice.
Monica : Yeah.
Richard : I miss this.
Monica : Me too.
Richard : So you wanna get a hamburger or somethin’?
Monica : Aww, umm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea …
Richard : Ohh, look, just friends – I won’t grope you. I promise.
Monica : No, I- … I think it’s … too soon.
Richard : No, it’s not too soon – I had lunch at eleven.
[Scene – Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel, Chandler, Joey and Ross are there, around the kitchen table]
Chandler : (standing, spinning a bottle of chocolate syrup in the air) Yeah baby!
Ross : (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler : (proudly) Makin’ chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross : No, thanks, I’m 29.
Rachel : (checking her watch) Oh my god, I gotta go to work!
Ross : (following her into the living area) Well, sweetie, what time you think you’re gonna get off tonight?
Rachel : Aww, I dunno honey, it could be really late.
Ross : Aww, c’mon, not again.
Rachel : Ohh, I know, I’m sorry. Listen, I’ll make a deal with you, okay?
Ross : Hm.
Rachel : For every night that you’re asleep before I get home from work …
Ross : Yeah?
Rachel : I will wake you up in a way that has proved very popular in the past.
Ross : Well now, if you need to stay late, I’m wanna be supportive of that.
Phoebe : (entering, holding a pair of Rollerblades) Hi!
Ross : Hey Pheebs.
Chandler : Hey!
Rachel : Hi!
Joey : Hey! Look at you! Since when do you Rollerblade?
Phoebe : Ohh, since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park, and he, like, y’know, jogs and ‘blades and swims and so, y’know we made a deal: he’s gonna teach me how to do all sorts of jock stuff.
Ross : And what are you gonna do for him?
Phoebe : I’m gonna let him.
Chandler : Okay.
Joey : Cool.
Monica : (entering from her bedroom, in a robe) Morning!
Chandler : Hey!
Ross : Hey.
Rachel : Hey! Somebody got in late last night.
Monica : (clears throat) Yeah, well, I … ran into Richard. (Phoebe gasps)
Ross : Wha?
Rachel : When did this happen?
Monica : Oh, um, ’round 8:02 … um, we, uh, talked for a little while and then, um, we went out for an innocent burger.
Phoebe : Oh, there’s no such thing as an “innocent burger”. (laughs)
Ross : Are you gonna see him again?
Monica : Tomorrow night.
Rachel : Monica, h- hon, what are you doin’?
Chandler : Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by … going on a date with him.
Monica : It’s not a date, okay? I’m just gonna teach him how to make a lasagna for some potluck dinner he has.
Joey : Well, you might wanna make a little extra, because, y’know, you’ll probably be hungry after the sex.
Ross : (agreeing) Hmm.
Monica : We’re not gonna have sex, okay? Nothing’s changed here: he still doesn’t want children, and I still do. So that’s why we’re gonna just be friends.
Ross : *Naked* friends.
[Scene – Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Joey is in a recliner watching TV]
Rachel : (knocks as she enters with an empty pitcher) Hey.
Joey : (without turning to look) Hey.
Rachel : Do you have any ice?
Joey : Check the freezer. If there’s none in there, we’re probably out. Are you just gettin’ home from work? It’s late!
Rachel : Yeah, I know, I had the greatest day, though … (Joey mutes the TV and turns to listen) I got to sit in on a meeting with the reps from Calvin Klein, I- I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it … how was your day?
Joey : I discovered I’m able to count all my teeth using just my tongue.
Rachel : (pulling a dog-eared book from the freezer) Hmmm. Ummm, why do you have a copy of “The Shining” in your freezer?
Joey : Oh, I was readin’ it last night, and I got scared, so …
Rachel : But, uh, you’re safe from it if it’s in the freezer?
Joey : Well, saf-*er*. Y’know, I mean, I never start reading “The Shining” without making sure we got plenty of room in the freezer, y’know?
Rachel : How often do you read it?
Joey : Haven’t you ever read the same book over and over again?
Rachel : (refilling ice cube tray) Well, um, I guess I read “Little Women” more than once, but I mean that’s a classic … what’s so great about “The Shining”?
Joey : The question should be, Rach, “what is *not* so great about ‘The Shining’”. Okay? And the answer would be (suddenly gravely serious) “nothing”. Alright? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it’s way better than that “classic” of yours. (laughs to himself)
Rachel : Okay. Uh, well, we’ll just see about that, okay? I will read “The Shining” (tries to pry the book away from Joey, but he holds on) and you (finally gets the book away) … will read “Little Women”.
Joey : Alright, you got it.
Rachel : Alright?
Joey : Okay.
Rachel : Okay.
Joey : Uh, now, Rach – these, uh, these little women …
Rachel : Yeah.
Joey : How little are they? I mean, are they like “scary” little?
[Scene – Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch, Phoebe and ROBERT are entering]
Phoebe : Um, Chandler, Ross … this is Robert.
Ross : Oh.
Chandler : Oh.
Ross : Hey.
Chandler : Hey.
Robert : Hi!
Phoebe : (to ROBERT) You have lipstick … (pointing to her own cheek) right here …
Robert : Oh!
Phoebe : (to Ross and Chandler) Hm, that’s okay, it’s mine … we just kissed.
Chandler : (noticing ROBERT is in shorts) So isn’t it a bit cold out for shorts?
Robert : Well, I’m from California.
Chandler : Right, right … sometimes you guys just burst into flame. (as ROBERT turns to make eyes at Phoebe, he props a leg up on the table in front of Chandler, and as Chandler continues looking at ROBERT, he notices something frightening, and he stands up very suddenly) I’m up … (clears throat) I’m up … I gotten up … now … anybody, uh, want anything?
Phoebe : I’ll have coffee.
Robert : Yah, me too.
Ross : Yeah, make that three.
Chandler : Okay, Ross, why don’tcha come with me? (slides over to the bar, disturbed)
Ross : (in disbelief) O-kay … (when he is by Chandler’s side at the bar, out of earshot of ROBERT) Wha- what is the matter with you? What’s going on?
Chandler : Robert’s coming out.
Ross : What, whaddya mean, he, what, is he gay?
Chandler : No, he … he’s coming out of his shorts.
Ross : What?!
Chandler : The man is showing ‘brane.
Ross : Are you sure? Hold on. (walks over to the couch and clears his throat) I’m sorry you guys … that was a coffee and a …
Robert : Coffee.
Ross : Okay.
Robert : We could write it down for you.
Ross : No! (as he speaks standing behind the couch, he lowers his head to get to the couch point of view) No, that won’t be uh won’t be necessar- (finally seeing, he bursts into laughter and returns to the bar)
Chandler : Well?
Ross : (frantic) Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Chandler : What do we do? What do we do?
Ross : Well, I suppose we just … try to … not look directly at it.
Chandler : Like an eclipse.
[Scene – Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Monica is at the sink, Richard is making lasagna noodles using a pasta cutter]
Richard : So, when people compliment me on my cooking tonight, what do I say?
Monica : Well, you say “thank you very much”. And then you buy me something pretty. C’mon, (walks over to a big bowl of tomatoes) we’re gonna put our hands in this bowl … and we’re gonna start squishin’ the tomatoes.
Richard : (reaching in and squishing) Oh, this feels … very weird.
Monica : (giggles) You touch people’s eyeballs every day, and this feels weird?
Richard : Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spend years learning not to squish them. (then, realizing that Monica is no longer squishing tomatoes) That’s my hand.
Monica : Oh.
Richard : Okay.
Monica : Gotta keep squishin’.
Richard : Tomatoes are squishing!
Monica : Oh yeah.
Richard : (after a particularly violent and messy squish) Oh!
Monica : Oh, gosh. You got some on your shirt.
Richard : Yeah.
Monica : Hold on one second … ‘kay … just put a little club soda on it …(she starts brushing club soda on his chest) get to it right away, (as they notice that she is simply pawing at his chest) should, um … do … the trick.
Richard : (noticing that Monica is looking down) What?
Monica : Um, you’ve got some on your pants.
Richard : I’ll just throw them out.
[Scene – Central Perk, Ross is at the small table, Joey and Chandler are on the couch]
Joey : (pausing from his reading) These little women! Wow!
Chandler : You’re likin’ it, huh?
Joey : Oh, yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her!
Ross : Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for “Josephine”.
Joey : But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie … ohhh … you mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘Cause that is the one thing missing from “The Shining”.
Chandler : No no, actually Laurie is a boy.
Joey : No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
Phoebe : (entering with ROBERT) Hey!
Chandler : Hey.
Ross : Hey! How’d the, uh, basketball go?
Phoebe : (spinning a basketball on her hand) Oh, okay – I learned how to shoot a layup, a foul shot, and a “23-pointer”. (passes the ball to Chandler)
Chandler : You mean a “3-pointer”?
Phoebe : Oh … I get more because I’m dainty.
Robert : (to Phoebe) So, um, is there a phone here I can check my messages?
Phoebe : Yah, in the back. D’you want a quarter?
Robert : Oh, no, thanks, I always carry one in my sock. (as ROBERT goes to fetch the quarter in his sock, he props his shoe on the arm of the couch nearest Chandler, so he gets another eyeful – repulsed, Chandler leans over and presses into Joey’s side to try and get away)
Joey : What are you doing? Get back over on your side of the (seeing) He-LLO! Hi, I’m Joey, we haven’t met.
Robert : Uh, good to meet you – Robert.
Joey : Okay. (laughs with Chandler and Ross as ROBERT goes to make his phone call)
Phoebe : What? What? (sitting between Joey and Chandler) You guys, what is going on? Do you not like Robert? (angrily) Wh- … why are you laughing?
Ross : Calm down, there’s no reason to get testy.
Joey : OHH! (laughs heartily)
Chandler : Heyy!! (laughs)
Phoebe : (frustrated) You guys, c’mon!
Chandler : We’re sorry, we’re sorry … it just seems that Robert isn’t as concealed … in the shorts area … as, uh, one may have hoped.
Phoebe : What do you mean?
Robert : (returning from the back) Hey!
Phoebe : Hey!
Joey : Uh, Robert … could you uh (laughs a little) uh, pass me those cookies?
Robert : Sure. (in mid-pass, Robert props his leg on the table and Phoebe gasps and covers her mouth as she sees)
[Scene – Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Monica is cleaning and talking on the cordless phone with Richard]
Monica : (on phone) So, how’d the lasagna go over? … really? … oh, good, so you owe me three pretty things … yeah, I’ve been thinking alot about you too … I know … it’s hard, this “platonomy” thing … wh- it’s a word! (there is a knock at the door) … yeah – I do think it’s better this way … yeah, we’re being smart … yes, I’m sure (she opens the door to find Richard, talking on his cellular telephone)
Richard : You really sure?
Monica : I’ll call you back. (she hugs and kisses him passionately)
[Scene – Monica’s bedroom, Richard and Monica are side by side beneath the sheets, after an intimate encounter]
Monica : So we can be friends who sleep together.
Richard : Absolutely – this’ll just be something we do, like … racketball.
Monica : Sounds smart and healthy to me! (slaps him lightly on the chest) So, um, just out of, uh, curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racketball buddies?
Richard : Just your dad. Although, *that’s* actually racketball. Y’know, I … I do have a blind date with my sister’s neighbor next … Tuesday.
Monica : Oh. (looks downhearted)
Richard : You want me to cancel it?
Monica : No! (hits him on the shoulder) No. ‘Cause if you did, that means you’d be cancelling for me … and we’re just friends.
Richard : Exactly. (hits her on the shoulder)
[Scene – Central Perk, Ross is on the couch, Phoebe is in the chair, Chandler is in the back behind the couch]
Robert : (entering with baseball gear) Hey!
Phoebe : Hey … OH don’t sit down. (laughs)
Robert : Ready to go to the batting cage?
Phoebe : Yeah, you bet! And, first, here’s a gift! (laughs, and hands him a gift)
Robert : Oh, wow! (from the bag, ROBERT pulls out a pair of spandex type athletic pants) Hey!
Chandler : (appearing in the background) Stretchy pants! Well, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you, I’d wear them every day, every day!
Robert : Jeez, thank you, really, that’s (kisses Phoebe on the cheek) that’s so nice, but, um, to be honest, I don’t think I can wear these … they’re so tight (in a near-whisper) I feel like I’m on display. I’m sorry.
Phoebe : That’s alright, I’ll … I’ll figure …
Robert : (to Joey, who is entering as ROBERT exits with Phoebe) Hey!
Joey : Hi … (chuckles to himself at the sight of Robert) … (to Ross and Chandler) how’s it goin?
Chandler : (sitting on the left arm of the couch) Good.
Ross : Fine.
Joey : (on the right arm of the couch) Hey Rach! How you doing with “The Shining”?
Rachel : (coming from the back of the room) Oh, Danny just went into Room 217.
Joey : Oooo, the next part’s the best … (to Chandler and Ross) when that dead lady in the bathtub …
Rachel : (covering her ears) Oh, nuh-nuh-muh-nuh-nuh- c’mon you’re gonna ruin it!
Joey : Alright, I’ll – I’ll talk in code. (to Chandler and Ross) ‘Member when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
Ross : Mmmm!
Chandler : Mmm, yeah, that’s very cool!
Joey : Ooo! “All blank and no blank makes blank a blank-blank”, right? (Chandler and Ross laugh as they recall) Oh, no-no! No, the end! When Jack almost kills ’em all with that blank, but then in the last second, they get away? Awww – haw haw …
Rachel : (squeals) Joey, I can’t believe you just did that.
Chandler : I can’t believe she cracked your code! (gets up and walks to the bar)
Rachel : (cRosses and sits next to Ross on the couch) Alright, okay … Lorrie proposes to Jo and she says “no”, even though she’s still in love with him, and then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey : Hey! Mine was by accident! Alright – the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel : Ugh. Beth dies.
Joey : (gasps and recoils in horror) Beth – Beth dies?
Rachel : Mm-hmm.
Joey : (to Chandler, standing behind Rachel) Is that true? If I keep readin’, is Beth gonna die?
Chandler : No, Beth doesn’t die, she doesn’t die, does she Rachel?
Rachel : (to Chandler) What?
Ross : Joey’s asking if you’ve just ruined the first book he’s ever loved that didn’t star Jack Nicholson.
Rachel : (reconsidering) No. She doesn’t die.
Joey : (hurt) Then why would you say that?
Rachel : Because … I wanted to hurt you.
Robert : (entering) Oh, there they are … I- I- I dropped my keys (bends down in front of the couch and offends Rachel, Ross and Joey)
Rachel : (gasping) Oh, my …
Robert : Got ’em.
[Scene – Monica and Rachel’s apartment]
Monica : (entering) Hi. (startled, Rachel screams, turning with a potato masher in hand, Monica screams because she’s scared by Rachel)
Rachel : Sorry – I’m sorry.
Monica : You would not *believe* my day. I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs … in a grill fire. (turns to reveal a charred area of her costume where her left fake boob would normally reside, then, noticing Rachel’s Cheshire grin) What are you smiling at?
Rachel : I’m sorry, I was just thinking your day could still pick up …
Monica : Yeah, right. (enters her bedroom to find Richard in a tux, kicking back on her bed with rose petals and candles all around, two glasses of red wine, and a long-stemmed rose clenched in his teeth)
Richard : (through the rose) Hello.
Monica : I love this “friend” thing!
[Scene – Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are on the couch, Ross is in the chair]
Phoebe : Listen, Robert’s gonna be here any second, so, could one of you just tell him?
Ross : Aww …
Phoebe : Please, right now … no … every time I see him, it’s like “is it on the loose?”, “is it watching me?” …
Chandler : We can’t tell him – you can’t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his … stuff.
Ross : He’s right, even if it’s to say something complimentary. (Ross then takes a moment to ponder what he just said)
Robert : (entering) Hey!
Ross : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey!
Robert : So, you ready for the gym? They got this new rock climbing wall – we can spot each other.
Phoebe : No, I can spot you from here.
Robert : (confused) What?
Phoebe : Okay, listen (clears her throat) Robert …
Ross : (sensing the mood, to Chandler) Hey, don’t we have to …
Chandler : Yeah, we got, yeah – mm-mmm!
Phoebe : Um … (composing herself) I think you’re really, really great …
Robert : Ohh, god. Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (props his leg up, again exposing himself) Is it something I’m putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
Phoebe : I, I, I, I, I don’t know, I don’t know what to say …
Gunther : (who has come to bus the table in front of Phoebe) Hey, buddy – this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house. (ROBERT looks down, and, noticing his overexposure, lowers his leg and looks around sheepishly)
[Scene – Richard’s apartment, where Monica is preparing to give Richard a taste of his own medicine: wearing something slinky, she is spreading rose petals, filling two glasses of red wine, and lighting candles – as she is preparing, she hears the front door of the apartment open, so she tosses the rest of the rose petals on the bed and quickly jumps to a ready position on the bed … the long-stemmed rose in the mouth proves painful as a thorn makes an unwelcome appearance]
Richard : (overheard from the adjoining room) Really? Well, y- it’s just like everyone else’s apartment, it’s got, uh, rooms and walls and ceilings.
Richard’s date : (also overheard from the adjoining room) Oh, I just wanted to see where you live – now give me the tour.
Monica : (after listening for a moment through the closed door) Oh my god, oh my god! (blows out the candles and drinks most of the wine, as she scurries to the window and under the covers)
Richard : Uh, this is the living room.
Richard’s date : That’s nice.
Richard : Alright – and this is the kitchen.
Richard’s date : That’s real pretty. Wait a minute, don’t I get to see the bedroom?
Richard : The bedroom! Well, it’s pretty much, it’s your typical (opens the door and sees Monica’s handiwork, slams the door) … bedroom. Ha ha.
Richard’s date : We’re still on this side of the door. Heh heh –
Richard : Mm-hmm.
Richard’s date : Yeah, but I didn’t get to see it.
Richard : Oh, shoot, maybe next time. (fakes a yawn) Thanks for a lovely evening. (escorts her out)
[Scene – same, after Richard’S date leaves, Richard enters the bedroom, shuts the door behind him and sits on the bed, Monica is still cowering beneath the sheets, although part of her face shows from beneath the blanket]
Monica : So, um, wh- who is she?
Richard : Oh (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about – she called and switched it from Tuesday.
Monica : Oh. Did you like her? (laughing) And I am just asking as a friend because I am *totally* fine with this.
Richard : (looking at her hiding under the covers) Well, you seem fine.
Monica : (hops out of the bed and cRosses to the window) Okay, you know what? I’m not fine. I’m not. I mean, how could I be fine? Hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom (drinks some more wine) you know what? (approaches bed) What if we’re friends (offers glass of wine to Richard) who don’t see other people?
Richard : You mean, like “exclusive friends”.
Monica : Why not? Hmm? (Richard gets up from the bed and sits down in a chair nearby) I mean, this has been the most amazing week! I mean, would it be so terrible? (Monica starts massaging his back) Even if we were friends who … who live together? Or … maybe someday, friends who … who stood up in front of their other friends and (sits on his lap) … vowed to be friends forever?
Richard : Wow. You know we’re back where we were? Honey, I would … love to do all that … but nothing’s changed.
Monica : That’s not true. (pointing to his lip) You don’t have a moustache.
Richard : OK, OK, one thing’s changed. But we still want different things, and we know how this is gonna end.
Monica : Y’know what? (gets up from his lap) I gotta walk on outta here right now. ‘Cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Um, I don’t think I could do it again.
Richard : I *know* I couldn’t.
Monica : Yeah. (picks up her shoes)
Richard : So … (laughs, Monica kisses him, he leans forward, but she draws away)
Monica : How about one last game of racketball, hmm? (she tosses her shoes aside, he picks her up and goes to lay down on the bed) Watch the thorns!
Richard : (as he apparently lands on one) Oww!
[Scene – Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel’s in the kitchen, Joey enters holding “Little Women” and looking sad]
Rachel : (noticing Joey) What?
Joey : (on the verge of tears) Beth is really, really sick.
Rachel : (sits him down and comforts him, as a mother would) Awww. Awww-aww-aww.
Joey : Jo’s there, but I don’t think there’s anything she can do.
Rachel : Aww … Joey?
Joey : Yeah.
Rachel : You wanna put the book in the freezer?
Joey : Okay.
Rachel : Okay.