100年戦略

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

Ross : This is so exciting, I haven’t seen my monkey in almost a year.

Chandler : What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I’m not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

Security guard : C’mon people, back up please, back up, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon.

Ross : Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

Security guard : I’m sorry guys, closed set.

Ross : Uh, I’m sorry, you don’t understand, I’m, I’m, I’m a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

Security guard : Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

Monica : Ross, there he is.

Ross : Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn’t react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way….. [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross’s shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

Security guard : Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh…

Joey : Closed set. We know but we’re friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

Ross : Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It’s your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

Joey : Woah, dude, burn.

Ross : I don’t get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

Trainer : Hey don’t take it personal, he’s under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

Rachel : Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

Trainer : In human terms, I’d say Cybill Shepard.

All : Woah.

Chandler : [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

Director’s assistant : Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey’s ready for the subway set?

Joey : Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one’s he?

Director’s assistant : The one in the director’s chair.

Joey : Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

Phoebe : OK. Um, how come I’m walking with you?

Joey : Well, we’re, we’re just goin’ over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin’, is he lookin’?

Susie : We’ve got a problem.

Director’s assistant : Tell me.

Susie : I can’t do Chris’s makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

Director’s assistant : Is it bad?

Susie : It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

Director’s assistant : I’ll talk to her.

Susie : I hate actors.

Chandler : [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn’t see ya.

Susie : Excuse me.

Chandler : Ahhhh.

Susie : Uh, is your name Chandler?

Chandler : Uh, yes, yes it is.

Susie : Chandler Bing?

Chandler : Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

Susie : I’m Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.

Chandler : Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

Susie : It’s nice to see you’re not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

Chandler : Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn’t a pimp.

Susie : Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

Chandler : Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don’t do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

Monica : Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Rachel : What what what what?

Monica : Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn’t know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

Rachel : Ya think?

Monica : The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

Rachel : No, was he any good in it?

Monica : Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

Rachel : Wow, so why don’t you go talk to him?

Monica : Oh, yeah.

Rachel : What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he’s cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

Monica : He could hear me.

Rachel : OK, I’m doin’ it for ya.

Monica : Oh Rachel don’t, don’t you dare, don’t, don’t. Tell him I cook.

Rachel : Excuse me. Hi.

Van Damme : Hi.

Rachel : Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you’re cute.

Van Damme : You don’t think I’m cute?

Rachel : I, I don’t know, um, do you think you’re cute? OK, we’re kinda gettin’ off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you’re cute. So what should I tell her?

Van Damme : You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

Chandler : No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

Susie : OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

Chandler : OK that’s not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

Susie : Oh that’s me, I gotta go.

Chandler : Oh uh, o, OK.

Susie : Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

Chandler : Well, uh, let’s try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie’s, 8 o’clock.

Susie : I’ll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I’ll get to see your underwear.

Chandler : No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

Monica : So what’d he say?

Rachel : Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

Monica : Well, thanks anyway.

Rachel : He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

Monica : Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that’s what you want to do…

Rachel : Jean-Claude she said yes, I’ll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

Rachel : And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that’s where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

Joey : Oh man, she’s so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

Rachel : Does anybody need anything?

Monica : Oh, I’ll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I’ll get it. If I ask you to, you’ll probably end up drinking it yourself.

Rachel : That is so unfair.

Phoebe : I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

Ross : Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel’s trainer. He’s gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

Joey : You’re blowin’ me off for a monkey?

Ross : Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

Joey : Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

Chandler : Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

Phoebe : Stick a fork what?

Chandler : Like, when you’re cooking a steak.

Phoebe : Oh, OK, I don’t eat meat.

Chandler : Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

Phoebe : Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

Chandler : OK, then, eat me, I’m done.

Chandler : I’ve met the perfect woman. OK, we’re sitting on her couch, we’re fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, ‘Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?’

Monica : What did you say?

Chandler : Ahh, I believe my exact words were, ‘Flaign,en – sten’. I mean I didn’t know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

Phoebe : Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE : Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

Chandler : Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn’t take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

Susie : Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

Susie : But um, here’s an idea, have you ever worn women’s underwear?

Chandler : Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna’s, and there were three of us in there.

Susie : Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

Chandler : You want me to wear your panties?

Susie : Could ya?

Chandler : Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You’re swell.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

Ross : OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel’s favorite dish, banannacake.

Joey : Oooh.

Ross : With mealworms.

Joey : Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What’dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

Ross : Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey’s gotta work. No it, it’s no big deal, it’ not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

Phoebe : OK, Rachel, why don’t you start talking first.

Rachel : Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can’t see you in the TV set?

Phoebe : Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share…

Monica : Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

Rachel : That is the most ridiculous.

Monica : You sold me out.

Rachel : I did not sell you out.

Monica : Yes you did. Absolutely.

Rachel : Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

Monica : Did you just flick me?

Rachel : OK, well, you wouldn’t let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

Monica : Quit flicking [flicks]

Rachel : Ow, you stop flicking.

Monica : You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying “Happy thoughts”. Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

Phoebe : OK, now I’m gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

Monica and Rachel : Ow. Ow. Ow.

Phoebe : Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

Rachel : Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

Monica : Uh-huh.

Rachel : You want me to just call him up and tell him that you’re seeing him instead? That’s what you want?

Monica : OK.

Rachel : Oh that’s what you want.

Monica : Yes.

Rachel : Fine.

Monica : Fine,

Phoebe : There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel’s). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director’s Assistant are there.]

Ross : Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

Joey : Forget about it.

Susie : How you doin there squirmy?

Chandler : I’m hangin in. . . and a little out.

Joey : So, assistant to the director. That’s a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

Director’s assistant : I have nothing to do with casting.

Joey : So what’re you guys gonna eat?

Susie : How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

Chandler : Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

Susie : I want you right here, right now.

Chandler : Right now, right here. Don’t ya think we’re in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

Susie : Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

Chandler : I’m going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

Susie : C’mon.

Chandler : I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Susie : Alright mister, let’s see those panties.

Chandler : Alrighty. [we see Chandler’s pants drop from under the stall door]

Susie : Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

Chandler : What?

Susie : If you didn’t have your shirt tucked into them.

Chandler : Oh.

Susie : Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

Chandler : OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we’re gonna miss hearing about the specials.

Susie : C’mon hurry, hurry.

Chandler : Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

Susie : Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

Chandler : OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

Susie : Oh, somebody’s been doing his buns of steel video.

Chandler : Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-… Susie? Susie.

Susie : This is for the fourth grade.

Chandler : Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

Susie : Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that’s what I mean.

Chandler : What, what’s what you mean?

Susie : My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants ’till I was 18.

Chandler : That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

Susie : Well um, why don’t you call me in 20 years and tell me if you’re still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

Chandler : Alright, I hope you realize you’re not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

Monica : I can’t believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I’m on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

Van Damme : Sure.

Monica : This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

Van Damme : Normally, I would not do it.

Monica : Well, what made you make the exception for me?

Van Damme : ‘Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and…

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel’s apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

Monica : Say you’re sorry.

Rachel : No. [hitting each other]

Monica : Say it.

Rachel : No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

Monica : Rachel, you say you’re sorry or your sweater gets it.

Rachel : OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

Monica : Say you’re sorry.

Rachel : OK, you wanna play? OK, let’s play, let’s play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica’s purse]

Monica : What’re you gonna do?

Rachel : You give me back my sweater or it’s handbag marinara.

Monica : You don’t have the guts.

Rachel : Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn’t too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel’s sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica’s purse]

Phoebe : Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

Phoebe : Yes that’s right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

Monica : I’ll help you fix your sweater.

Rachel : I’ll help you throw out your purse.

Monica : I’m sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

Rachel : Well, I’m sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

Monica : I’m sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel’s gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel’s. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

Chandler : Joey?

Joey : Ma?

Chandler : Joey!

Joey : Chandler? What’re you still doin’ here, I though you guys took off.

Chandler : Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

Joey : Are you naked in there?

Chandler : Not exactly. . . I’m wearin panties.

Joey : Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

Chandler : No, no, this is the first time.

Joey : Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

Chandler : I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

Joey : Well, let me see.

Chandler : No. I’m not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

Joey : Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone’s flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

Ross : [to Joey who’s looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don’t like that.

Joey : Chandler’s wearing panties.

Ross : What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

Chandler : No, no, you don’t have to see.

Ross : Hi Tushie.

Chandler : Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

Joey : Can’t help you, I’m not wearing any.

Chandler : How can you not be wearing any underwear?

Joey : Oh, I’m gettin’ heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

Chandler : Alright look Ross I’ll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

All : Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

Chandler : Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

Phoebe : I’m almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

Joey : Hey, hey, and I’m in the movie.

Ross : What happened?

Joey : One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I’m dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

Ross : Ahh, oh that’s OK, I mean, he’s probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he’s moved on. Hey, that, that’s the way it goes right.

Phoebe : [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

Ross : What?

[“Looks Like We Made It” starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

Van Damme : [to Rachel] I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

Rachel : OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

Van Damme : Goodbye.

Monica : Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

Rachel : OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

Monica : OK.

Van Damme : Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

Monica and Rachel : Oh, no no no no no.

Van Damme : Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

Monica and Rachel : No no no no.

Rachel : Impressive.

Monica : But no. Maybe if I were baking.

Monica and Rachel : Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

Ross : Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin’ that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

Phoebe : You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

Rachel : Oh yeah.

Phoebe : Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

Chandler : How long you been waitin’ to say that?

Phoebe : About 20 minutes.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

Van Damme : Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

Joey : Aaaaagggghhhhh.

Director : Cut.

Van Damme : Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

Joey : Aaaaagggghhhhh.

Director : Cut.

Van Damme : Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

Joey : Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

Director : Cut.

Van Damme : Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dead.