100年戦略

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]

Ross : And here’s little Ben nodding off…

Monica : Awww, look at Aunt Monica’s little boy!

Phoebe : Oh, look, he’s got Ross’s haircut!

Rachel : Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

[Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.]

Ross : [quietly] That would be nice.

[Chandler, annoyed with Ross’s fawning, makes a ‘pfft’ noise.]

Rachel : Pardon?

Chandler : Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated]

[Joey is looking at his check.]

Joey : Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I’ll pay you back.

Chandler : Oh, yeah, right, OK… inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me… 17 jillion dollars.

Joey : I will, really. I’ll pay you back this time.

Chandler : [sigh]… And where’s this money coming from? [gives money to Joey]

Joey : Well… I’m helping out down at the NYU Med School with some… research.

Ross : [overhearing] What kind of research?

Joey : Oh, just, y’know…. science.

Ross : Science. Yeah, I think I’ve heard of that. [everyone’s interest is piqued, they all look over]

Joey : [sigh]… It’s a fertility study.

[Rachel laughs.]

Monica : Oh, Joey, please tell me you’re only donating your time.

Joey : Alright, come on you guys, it’s not that big a deal. Really… I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross : Hey.

Phoebe : Wow, ooh, you’re gonna be making money hand over fist!

Credits

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel’s birthday.]

Monica : OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns…

Phoebe : We’ve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew… [hands meat to Monica]

[Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.]

Chandler : [in a deep voice] Men are here.

Joey : We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler : Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica/Phoebe : Ewww!

Monica : Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she’s gonna be late.

Joey : Oh, OK.

Phoebe : So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone?

Joey : I don’t know, she’s, uh…. she’s pretty great.

Monica : Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey : What, you think I’m gonna tell a girl I like that I’m also seeing a cup?

Monica : Man’s got a point.

Joey : Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler : Crazy bitch.

Joey : Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I’m not allowed to conduct any… ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica : Joey… we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe : Hey.

Monica : Hey.

Ross : Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags]

Phoebe : How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross : I’m going to China.

Phoebe : Jeez, you say one thing, and…

Monica : You’re going to China?

Ross : Yeah, i-it’s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don’t want us to have the bone, so I’m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo–it’s–it’s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I’m gonna be gone for like, uh… like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can’t. So here’s my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um… here’s a picture of me… [hands it to Monica]

Phoebe : Oh, let me see! [takes the picture]

Ross : [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol’s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn’t forget me?

Monica : Yeah.

[Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.]

Phoebe : Hi, Ben. I’m your father. I am… the head. Aaaaaahhhh…. [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Ross : Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica : Oh no, she’s out having drinks with Carl.

Ross : Oh. [pause] Hey, who’s Carl?

Monica : You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

Ross : No.

Phoebe : Oh, well, see, there’s this guy she met at the–

Ross : At the coffeehouse, right.

Phoebe : So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry.

Ross : OK, I’m gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Phoebe : Oh, hey, y’know what? Tell them that bone story.

[Ross goes outisde on the balcony.]

Ross : Hi.

Joey : Hey!

Chandler : Hey!

Ross : [sigh]….I have to go to China.

Joey : The country?

Ross : No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom’s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?

Chandler : Uh, let’s see… Alvin… Simon… Theodore…. no.

Ross : Well, Rachel’s having drinks with him tonight.

Joey : Oh no! How can she do that when she’s never shown any interest in you?!?

Chandler : Forget about her.

Joey : He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler : Course there, they just call it food.

Ross : Yeah… I guess. I don’t–I don’t know. Alright, just… just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel]

Joey : Listen, buddy, we’re just looking out for you.

Ross : I know.

Joey : We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but… I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug]

Chandler : I’m still on my first. I just think you’re nice.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey’s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]

Melanie : Anyway, that’s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ‘The Three Basketeers.’

Joey : Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.

Chandler : [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey’s stupidity]

Monica : [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers?

Rachel : Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room]

[Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.]

Monica : Hey, hold on there, tiger. How’s it going? How you holding up?

Joey : Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we’re gonna… complete the transaction, if you know what I–

[Monica rolls her eyes.]

Joey : Then you do. Heh, heh.

Monica : So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

Joey : What do you mean?

Monica : Y’know, just be there for her.

[Long pause… Joey looks confused.]

Joey : Not following you.

Monica : Think about it.

[They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.]

Rachel : OK, I’m guessing this is from…

[Melanie smiles.]

Rachel : Well, thank you, Melanie.

Chandler : [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me.

Rachel : [picks it up] OK… ah, it’s light… [shakes it]…it rattles… it’s… [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him]

[Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.]

Rachel : This one’s from Joey… feels like a book. Thinks it’s a book… feels like a book. And…[opens it]…it’s a book!

Phoebe : Oh, it’s Dr. Seuss!

Joey : [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times.

Melanie : There is a little child inside this man!

Chandler : Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.

[Rachel picks up the next gift.]

Rachel : Who’s this from?

Chandler : Oh, that’s Ross’s.

Rachel : Oh… [opens it]… [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe : Remembered what?

Rachel : It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can’t believe he remembered!

Chandler : Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game]

Phoebe : Oh, it’s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica : I can’t believe he did this.

Chandler : Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

[Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross’s crush on Rachel.]

Rachel : What did you just say?

Chandler : [panicked] ahem… um… Crystal duck.

Rachel : No, no, no…. the, um, the… ‘love’ part?

Chandler : [stuttering incoherently] F-hah…. flennin….

Rachel : Oh…. my God.

Chandler : [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no….

Joey : [pats Chandler on the leg] That’s good, just keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.]

Rachel : I mean, this is unbelievable.

Phoebe : I know. This is really, really huge.

Chandler : No it’s not. It’s small. It’s tiny. It’s petite. It’s wee.

Phoebe : Nuh-uh. I don’t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

Chandler : OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica : I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

Rachel : No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just… [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Joey : Well, given that he’s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn’t mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel : Ross? All this time? Well, I’ve got to talk to him. [gets up to leave]

Chandler : [quickly] H-He’s in China!

Joey : The country.

Monica : No, no, wait. [checks Ross’s itinerary] His flight doesn’t leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Chandler : What about the time difference?

Monica : From here to the airport?

Chandler : Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You’re never gonna make it!

Monica : Rachel, what’re you gonna say to him?

Rachel : I-I-I don’t know.

Chandler : Well then maybe you shouldn’t go.

Joey : He’s right, cause if you’re just gonna, like, break his heart, that’s the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica : Yeah, but if it’s good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel : I don’t know. Maybe I’ll know when I see him.

Phoebe : Here, look, alright, does this help?

[Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.]

Rachel : Noooo… look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y’know, I just, I’ve just gotta talk to him. I… I gotta… OK, I’ll see you later. [opens door]

Chandler : Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves]

[Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ‘How To Speak Chinese’ tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross : [something in Chinese]

Flight attendant : Alright!

Ross : Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway]

[Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.]

Rachel : Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me….

[Rachel gets up to the jetway.]

Flight attendant : Hi!

Rachel : Hi.

Flight attendant : May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel : Oh, no, no, I don’t have one. I just need to talk to my friend.

Flight attendant : Oh, oooh. I’m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel : No, I know, but I–he just went on. He’s right there, he’s got the blue jacket on, I… can I j-just…

Flight attendant : No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel : OK, alright, OK, um… then could you please, uh… just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight attendant : Alright. What’s the message?

Rachel : Uh… I don’t know.

[Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Flight attendant : Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh… I have a message for you.

Man : [confused] What?

Flight attendant : It’s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

Man : [to wife]: Toby… Oh, for God’s sake, I don’t know what she’s talking about! There’s no Rachel! Don’t give me that deep freeze.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.]

Melanie : Mmmmmm… Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey… I think I blacked out there for a minute!

Joey : Heh, heh. It was nothin’.

Melanie : Well, now we’ve gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest]

Joey : [panicked] Uhhh.. y’know what? Forget about me. Let’s, uh… let’s give you another turn.

Melanie : [surprised] M-Me again?

Joey : Sure! Why not?

Melanie : Boy, somebody’s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.

[Joey starts to kiss her.]

Melanie : Oooh, I gotta tell you… you are nothing like I thought you would be.

Joey : How do you mean?

Melanie : I don’t know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who’re always ‘me, me, me.’ But you… you’re a giver. You’re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean… you’re practically a woman.

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel’s gifts.]

Monica : Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh… do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it’s only a little bit torn… so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Rachel : I don’t know. I don’t know… I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back… and, uh, oh, you guys, y’know, it’s Ross. Y’know what I mean? I mean, it’s Ross.

Phoebe/Monica : Sure.

Rachel : I don’t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling… but I’m thinking… oh, I’m thinking it’d be really great.

Monica : Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we’d be like friends-in-law! Y’know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it’s like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe : Yeah, but, y’know, it’s… it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

Monica : Another good point.

Phoebe : No, I mean, I mean, when you’re at the fifteenth date, y’know, you’re already in a very relationshippy place. Y’know, it’s… you’re committed.

Rachel : [confused] Huh?

Phoebe : Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn’t work out?

Monica : Why isn’t it working out?

Rachel : I don’t know… sometimes it doesn’t.

Monica : Is he not cute enough for you?

Rachel : No!

Monica : Does he not make enough money?

Rachel : No, I’m just….

Phoebe : Maybe there’s someone else.

Rachel : Wha–

Monica : Is there? Is there someone else?

Rachel : No! There is.. there is noone else!

Monica : Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]

Chandler : Hey, big–

Joey : Shhhh!

Chandler : [quietly] –spender.

Joey : She’s still asleep.

Chandler : So how’d it go?

Joey : Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you’re great in bed?

Chandler : The fact that you’d even ask that question shows how little you know me.

Joey : Well, it’s like, last night, I couldn’t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got… man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler : Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

Joey : It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler : I didn’t know you had another level.

Joey : I know! Neither did I!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica : Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel : Yeah.

Monica : Oh, from who?

Rachel : From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica : Well, it’s the thought. Hey, doesn’t Ross’s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel : Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y’know, honey, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided this–this whole Ross thing, it’s just not a good idea.

Monica : Oh, why?

Rachel : Because, I feel like I wouldn’t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don’t wanna–

Monica : [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!

Rachel : Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you’re already so…

Monica : I am not ‘so’! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but… I’ll be good. I promise.

[Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.]

Rachel : Who is it?

Voice : It’s me, Carl.

Rachel : C’mon up.

Monica : Behind my brother’s back? [Rachel glares at her] … is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won’t be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey : Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler : Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey : Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y’know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

Chandler : Really? So, you’re gonna stick with this ‘it’s all for her’ thing?

Joey : What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.]

[Scene: The balcony of Monica’s apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]

Carl : I’m just sayin’, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I’m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m not against environmental issues per se…. it’s just that guy!

[Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross–a figment of Rachel’s imagination– shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.]

Ross : I can’t believe you’d rather go out with him than me.

Rachel : Would you excuse me, please? I’m trying to have a date here.

Ross : Fine, just stop thinking about me.

[She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.]

Ross : Can’t do it, can you?

Rachel : So I’m thinking about you. So what?

Ross : I don’t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Rachel : Well… he happens to be a very nice… guy….

Carl : I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

Ross : Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

Rachel : Ross, it’s too hard.

Ross : No, no, no… why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I’ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.

Rachel : Ross, you’re like my best friend.

Ross : I know.

Rachel : If we broke up, and I lost you…

Ross : Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we’re gonna break up?

Rachel : Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven’t broken up?

Ross : [pause] No. But… it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean… so, the only question is… are you attracted to me?

Rachel : I don’t know… I mean, I’ve never looked at you that way before.

Ross : Well, start looking.

[They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.]

Rachel : Wow.

Carl : Exactly! And you just know I’m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel : Right! You’re right!

Carl : Heh… y’know?

Rachel : You know what?

Carl : What?

Rachel : I forgot… I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I’m so… if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do…. [gives him her drink] I mean–I’m sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I’m sorry.

[Rachel leaves.]

Carl : But…

[Scene: Airport. Madonna’s Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel : [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel’s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]

Man : For God’s sake, will you let it go? There’s no Rachel!

[A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.]

Ross : Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

[Ross picks up the bag… then he and the woman (Julie) kiss.]

Julie : Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross : No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie : Really?

Ross : Yeah.

Julie : You don’t think they’ll judge and ridicule me?

Ross : No, no, they will. I just… uh…

Ross/Julie : Can’t wait.

Ross : Come on, they’re gonna love you.

[Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross’s arrival… not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]