[02-02]The One With The Breast Milk (父とおチチ)

Monica : Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he’s gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn’t resist.
Phoebe : Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
Chandler : You know, it’s…something funny about sneakers. I’ll be right back.
Joey : I gotta get one, too.
Ross : What are you guys doing?
Chandler : We’re just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?
Ross : Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
Joey : Yeah, we know, but there’s a baby suckin’ on it.
Ross : This is my son having lunch, ok? It’s gonna happen a lot, so you’d better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you’re uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol’s fine with it, now come on.
Chandler : Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Carol : Sure.
Joey : Uh, does it hurt?
Carol : It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey : Chandler?
Chandler : So, uh, how often can you do it?
Carol : As much as he needs.
Joey : Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
Julie : Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
Rachel : Yeah, I forget which ones.
Julie : Oh, you’re busy, that’s ok, I’ll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you’re losin’ your apron here, let me get it. There you go.
Rachel : Thank you. What a bitch.
Julie : Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who’s quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?
Phoebe : I can’t, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
Monica : Ok, um, I’ll go with you.
Julie : Great.
Ross : Hi, honey.
Chandler : Hey, sweetums.
Ross : Hello to the rest.
Joey : Monica what’re you doin’? You can’t go shopping with her? What about Rachel?
Monica : It’s gonna be a problem, isn’t it?
Chandler : Come on, you’re going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That’s like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
Monica : But I’m–
Phoebe : Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
Ross : So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
Monica : Yeah, uh, it’s actually not that big a deal.
Ross : It’s a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
Monica : You’re welcome.
Phoebe : Woof, woof.
Joey : Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.
Annabelle : Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?
Joey : Who?
Annabelle : Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
Joey : What’s he doin’ in my section?
Annabelle : I guess he doesn’t know.
Joey : Well, he’s gonna. I’ll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin’?
Todd : Mornin’.
Joey : Listen, I know you’re new, but it’s kinda understood that everything from Young Men’s to the escalator is my territory.
Todd : Your territory, huh?
Joey : Yeah. Bijan for men?
Guy : No thanks.
Todd : Hombre?
Guy : Yeah. All right.
Todd : You were saying?
Monica : Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
Phoebe : What?
Monica : We were shopping, and we had lunch.
Phoebe : Oh, all right. What did I have?
Monica : You had a salad.
Phoebe : Oh, no wonder I don’t feel full.
Rachel : Hey, guys, what’s up.
Phoebe : I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
Rachel : Good, Pheebs. What’d you buy?
Phoebe : Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
Rachel : You went shopping for fur?
Phoebe : Yes, and then I realized I’m against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs.
Rachel : You bought boobs?
Phoebe : Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
Joey : Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work we could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
Annabelle : Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
Todd : Ready, Annabelle?
Annabelle : You bet. Maybe some other time?
Joey : Hey, it’s not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
Carol : Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won’t sleep.
Ross : Carol, we’ve been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It’s like we’re father and son.
Susan : Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don’t look so surprised. I’m a lovely person.
Rachel : Oh, this is so cute.
Susan : Oh, I got that for him.
Ross : My mommies love me. That’s clever.
Monica : Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju– Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that’d be great. See ya then. Bye.
Rachel : Did you just say Hi, Jew?
Monica : Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.
Phoebe : Ben, dinner!
Ross : Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn’t microwave that, did you, because it’s breast milk, and you’re not supposed to do that.
Phoebe : Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.
Chandler : What did you just do?
Phoebe : I licked my arm, what?
Ross : It’s breast milk.
Phoebe : So?
Rachel : Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.
Joey : What is the big deal?
Chandler : What did you just do?
Ross : Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?
Phoebe : You won’t even taste it?
Ross : No!
Phoebe : Not even if you just pretend that it’s milk?
Ross : Not even if Carol’s breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
Monica : Hey, where is everybody?
Rachel : They took Ben to the park. Where’ve you been?
Monica : Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.
Rachel : Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?
Monica : You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.
Rachel : And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket
Monica : That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.
Rachel : Monica, what is with you? Who’d you have lunch with?
Monica : Judy.
Rachel : Who?
Monica : Julie.
Rachel : What?
Monica : Jody.
Rachel : You were with Julie?
Monica : Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother’s girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were…shopping.
Rachel : Oh. Oh my god.
Monica : Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn’t mean anything to me.
Rachel : Yeah, right.
Monica : Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I’m sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.
Rachel : Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
Monica : That is not true!
Rachel : Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?
Monica : Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
Rachel : Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
Monica : Hi, who’s this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It’s Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it’s not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don’t care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve.
Carol : How did we do?
Phoebe : Oh, I tasted Ben’s milk, and Ross freaked out.
Ross : I did not freak out.
Carol : Why’d you freak out?
Ross : Because it’s breast milk. It’s gross.
Carol : My breast milk is gross?
Susan : This should be fun.
Ross : No, no, Carol. There’s nothing wrong with it. I just don’t think breast milk is for adults.
Chandler : Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
Carol : Ross, you’re being silly. I’ve tried it, it’s no big deal. Just taste it.
Ross : That would be no.
Phoebe : Come on. It doesn’t taste bad.
Joey : Yeah, it’s kinda sweet, sorta like, uh–
Susan : Cantaloupe juice.
Joey : Exactly.
Ross : You’ve tasted it? You’ve tasted it.
Susan : Uh huh.
Ross : Oh, you’ve tasted it.
Susan : You can keep saying it, but it won’t stop being true.
Ross : Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
Chandler : Howdy.
Joey : Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
Chandler : Well, maybe it’s because of the way you’re dressed.
Joey : Or maybe it’s because this guy’s doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
Chandler : What do you care? You’re an actor. This is your day job. This isn’t supposed to mean anything to you.
Joey : I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don’t know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Chandler : All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody’s gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where’re you gonna run?
Joey : Yeah I guess you’re right.
Chandler : You’re damn right I’m right. I say you show this guy what you’re made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
Joey : I’m gonna do it.
Chandler : All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she’ll fix you up with a nice hooker.
Monica : I don’t know what else to say.
Rachel : Well that works out good, because I’m not listening.
Monica : I feel terrible, I really do.
Rachel : Oh, I’m sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
Monica : Rachel, say that I’m friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
Rachel : Yes.
Monica : It’s that terrible?
Rachel : Yes. Monica, you don’t get it. It’s bad enough that she’s stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she’s actually, but now she’s actually stealing you.
Monica : Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I’m friends with her doesn’t make me any less friends with you. I mean, you’re my…We’re, we’re…Oh, I love you.
Rachel : I love you too.
Phoebe : You guys, um I know that this really doesn’t have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.
Monica : Look, I know that you’re in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie’s guts, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you’d like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?
Rachel : I’d do anything for you, you know that.
Monica : I’d do anything for you.
Phoebe : Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Joey : Mornin’. I said, mornin’.
Todd : I heard ya.
Store Guy : All right, everybody, I’m openin’ the doors. You boys ready?
Todd : Ready.
Joey : Yeah, I’m ready.
Customer : You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I’m suing!
Store Guy : Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?
Todd : I’m sorry. I am such a doofus. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
Annabelle : My god, what happened?
Joey : These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all…stop lastin’. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?
Annabelle : Sure.
Julie : So.
Rachel : So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we’ve never really talked. I guess you’d know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
Julie : I know, I probably shouldn’t even tell you this, but I’m pretty much totally intimidated by you.
Rachel : Really? Me?
Julie : Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it’s probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don’t.
Rachel : Well, you’re not totally paranoid.
Julie : Oy.
Rachel : Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I’m not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica’s always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she’s right.
Julie : Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?
Rachel : Yeah, that’d be great. I’d love it.
Julie : I’d love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I’ll talk to you later.
Rachel : All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.


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