100年戦略

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]

Phoebe : What else? What else?

Joey : Uh, well he’s 33.

Phoebe : Oh. Ah-uh.

Joey : A widower.

Phoebe : Oh.

Joey : He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually.

Phoebe : Enter Pheebs.

[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]

Chandler : Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers?

Monica : We could, or we can have sex in it.

Chandler : Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!

(They start making out again.)

Monica : (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!

(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)

Monica : Does that sound like Janice?

Chandler : If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]

Monica : Hey!

Ross : Hey!

Chandler : Hi.

Rachel : Oh hi.

Monica : I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?

Rachel : Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernadette out your ass?

Chandler : Weirdest thing. Did I hear (A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice) Mother of God it’s true!

Janice : Chandler Bing!

Chandler : Jan-Janice!

Ross : Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.

Janice : Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.

Chandler : Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?

Janice : It’s you. This is yours.

Chandler : What?!

Janice : (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)

Chandler : That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]

Phoebe : Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had to which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?

Cliff : I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you’re making me eat him.

Phoebe : Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I’m sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)

Cliff : No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy.

Phoebe : Oh, I’ll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)

Cliff : Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe : Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]

Rachel : Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out?

Ross : Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave.

Rachel : Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long : Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero.

Rachel : Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.

Dr. Long : Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.

Rachel : What?

Dr. Long : Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom.

Rachel : My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]

Cliff : Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)

Phoebe : Y’know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)

Cliff : Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before!

Phoebe : Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.

Cliff : I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!

Phoebe : Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?

Joey : (entering) Rachel’s having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist.

Cliff : That-that’s him! You know him?

Phoebe : Okay. Okay. I, Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I’m coming off right now.

Cliff : I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?

Joey : Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)

Cliff : And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.

Phoebe : You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?

Cliff : I don’t think so.

Joey : Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!

Phoebe : Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.

Joey : Right!

Phoebe : Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot.

Cliff : It doesn’t happen to me either.

Joey : Me neither.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]

Dr. Long : Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4…

Rachel : 3-2-1 oh!!

Dr. Long : Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.

Rachel : I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t.

Ross : Sweetie you’re doing great.

Rachel : Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!

Dr. Long : Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.

Ross : What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!

Rachel : Don’t say, “Oh my God!” Oh my God what?

Ross : What is that?

Dr. Long : It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech.

Ross : Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.

Rachel : Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?

Dr. Long : She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!

Ross : Go!

Dr. Long : Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening!

Rachel : I’m sorry, I can’t!

Ross : Yes you can!

Rachel : I can’t!

Ross : Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go!

Rachel : I can’t. Please, you do it for me.

Ross : No! Come on let’s, One more time! One final push! Ready? 1…2…3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)

Dr. Long : Good!

Ross : (from the floor) Keep pushing!

Rachel : Are you okay?

Ross : You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!

Dr. Long : Here we go!

Ross : Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming!

Rachel : Oh God!

Ross : Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here.

(The newest friend cries.)

Ross : Oh she’s…she’s perfect.

Rachel : Oh, she’s so tiny. (Starts crying) Where’d she go?

Ross : Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up.

Rachel : Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny.

Dr. Long : Here she is!

(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)

Rachel : Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you.

Dr. Long : Do we have a name yet?

Rachel : No, not yet.

Dr. Long : That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.

Rachel : Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.

(Ross and Rachel look into each other’s eyes and kiss.)

Rachel : Hello baby girl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]

Phoebe : Can we come in?

Ross : Oh, come in.

Phoebe : Hi!

Joey : There she is!

Phoebe : Oh, she’s so beautiful.

Rachel : Here. (Hands her to Monica.)

Monica : Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!

Chandler : It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.

Joey : (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y’know what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh.

Rachel : What?

Joey : Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good.

Phoebe : Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You’re so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won’t.

(Rachel starts crying again.)

Monica : What’s the matter?

Rachel : Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.

Ross : The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived.

Rachel : So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)

Joey : What’s the matter now?

Rachel : I was reliving it.

Phoebe : Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)

Chandler : So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?

Phoebe : Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!

Ross : Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names.

Rachel : Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it.

Ross : Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?

Rachel : That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella.

Chandler : So then I guess Ferdinand is out.

Joey : What was the other one Ross?

Ross : Umm, Delilah.

Rachel : Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.

Ross : So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl.

Phoebe : Yay!

Rachel : Well what are we going to do?

Monica : It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name.

Ross : Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.

Chandler : You do?

Monica : Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen.

Chandler : Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it?

Rachel : Well tell us! What are they?

Monica : Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel.

Rachel : And if it’s a girl?

Monica : I don’t want to say.

Rachel : Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it!

Monica : Okay. It’s Emma.

Rachel : (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don’t want it.

Monica : Take it.

Rachel : What?

Monica : It’s clearly an Emma.

Rachel : Oh honey, but you love that name.

Monica : Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed. I mean… (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that’s you. You’re our little Em. Oh what’s that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!

[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]

Chandler : That was amazing.

Monica : I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.

Chandler : And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]

Janice : (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.

Rachel : Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he?

Janice : He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?

Rachel : Oh, I’m fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)

Janice : Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone.

Rachel : Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross.

Janice : Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?

Rachel : Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross!

Janice : I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family.

Rachel : Well I, That’s never gonna happen with Ross.

Janice : Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.

Rachel : Really?

Janice : I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.

Rachel : Well… That’s…y’know. That’s, We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? I-I, Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I, things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something.

Ross : (entering) Hey Janice!

Janice : Oh hi!

Ross : Who’s this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)

Janice : Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.

Ross : No-no. No.

Janice : I’m gonna leave the three of you alone.

Ross : Okay.

Janice : Bye. (Exits.)

Ross : Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

Rachel : Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y’know what I was, I was thinking about?

Ross : Huh?

Rachel : Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?

Ross : Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we can’t let that happen again, y’know?

Rachel : (pause) Right.

Ross : I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we?

Rachel : No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn’t have any sodas?

Ross : Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.

Rachel : That’s all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]

Phoebe : Is she in there?

Ross : Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)

Phoebe : Oh!

Ross : Look at Emma!

Phoebe : I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?

Ross : Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel.

(Pause)

Phoebe : I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.

Ross : It’s…it’s complicated okay?

Phoebe : Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.

Ross : Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It’s just if-if we got together again and it didn’t work out…I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything. (Starts to cry.) Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now.

Phoebe : I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.

Ross : Yeah, exactly.

Phoebe : Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]

Joey : Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she’s wiping her eyes.) What’s the matter?

Rachel : Nothing.

Joey : What is it? Hey!

Rachel : Really it’s nothing. I’m just…

Joey : Rach come on, what?

Rachel : I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.

Joey : What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?

Rachel : Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.

Joey : Okay, how long was I watching that woman?

Rachel : I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right?

Joey : Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel : I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?

Joey : Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen.

Rachel : Joey. Honey what would I do without you?

(They hug.)

Joey : You don’t have to worry about that okay?

(Pause)

Rachel : Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat.

Joey : Sure.

Rachel : Okay.

(He moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.)

Joey : My God.

Rachel : Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel : (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel’s room.]

[Fade to black.]

Closing Credits

[That’s the end of the eighth season.]