100年戦略

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel : Oh my God!

Phoebe : I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel : Oh my God!

Phoebe : Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel : No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.

Phoebe : Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)

Rachel : Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.

Phoebe : Right.

Rachel : Okay?

Phoebe : Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel : No. Why?

Phoebe : Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel : Anything?

Ross : No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!

Phoebe : You told them he was missing?

Ross : No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.

Rachel : All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)

Ross : No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!

Rachel : Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!

Ross : Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel : All right, well how much time do you need?

Ross : Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?

Rachel : One hour.

Ross : Give me two.

Rachel : Then why do you ask?!

(They all go into the hallway.)

Ross : Okay, wish me luck.

Phoebe : Okay. I’m going with you.

Ross : Why?!

Phoebe : Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.

Rachel : All right, I’ll see you guys later.

Phoebe : Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?

Rachel : I’ll figure something out.

Phoebe : All right. Good luck.

Rachel : Thanks.

(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)

Monica : Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.

Rachel : Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica : About what?

Rachel : Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!

Monica : Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?

Rachel : No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.

Monica : Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel : Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.

Monica : (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]

Joey : Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.

The Director : Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)

Joey : I’m having surgery!

The Director : What?!

Joey : Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.

The Director : What kind of surgery?!

Joey : Transplant.

The Director : But you’re supposed to work on Monday.

Joey : Hair transplant.

The Director : But you’re not bald.

Joey : It’s not on my head.

The Director : Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.

Joey : Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!

Richard : I’m wearing two belts.

Joey : Are you drunk?

Richard : No!

Joey : Yes you are!

Richard : All right.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]

Ross : We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!

Phoebe : Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)

Ross : That is an old, Chinese woman!

Phoebe : He could be in disguise, y’know.

Ross : Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?

[Cut to an office building.]

Ross : So this is your office?

Chandler : How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!

Phoebe : What the hell are you doing?!

Chandler : Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?

Ross : She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.

Chandler : No! No! No! I can’t do that!

Phoebe : Why not?!

Chandler : Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!

Ross : What’s wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler : The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!

Ross : Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler : No.

Ross : Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler : It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.

Phoebe : But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler : I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.

Ross : Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler : Well yeah, but then…

Ross : (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?

Chandler : Depends on what you mean by we.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]

Rachel : The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…

Monica : (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!

Rachel : I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.

Monica : (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel : Okay. But wait!

Monica : What?!

Rachel : Let’s go to lunch.

Monica : I can’t go to lunch!!

Rachel : Right.

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)

Rachel : Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)

Monica : (entering) What’s going on?

Rachel : Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.

Monica : Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.

Rachel : We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.

Monica : How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!

Phoebe : (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…

Rachel : Oh!

Monica : Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, “Oh my God! The worst has happened!”

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]

Joey : I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard : That can be arranged.

(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)

The Director : Let’s reset.

Joey : What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!

The Director : Let’s take it from there.

Richard : (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.

Joey : Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?

Richard : Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!

Joey : Thank you. Thank you.

The Director : Still rolling, annnnd action!

Joey : I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard : Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe : So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?

(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)

Mrs. Geller : Here comes the bride.

(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)

Phoebe : Oh my God Monica!

Monica : I wanna wear this everyday.

Rachel : You look so beautiful.

Monica : (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel : Hello?

Joey : (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel : Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine.

Joey : Damnit!

Rachel : What? Why? Where are you?

Joey : I’m still on the set!

Rachel : Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey : I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this.

Rachel : Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister.

Joey : No! No, I’m the minister! All right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now.

Rachel : Ugh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey : Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power!

(She hangs up anyway.)

[Scene: Chandler’s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]

Ross : There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler : No.

Ross : I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler : Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit?

Ross : Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler : Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that.

Ross : Yeah.

Chandler : Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)

Ross : Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!

Chandler : Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross : Okay.

Chandler : Okay.

(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)

Chandler : Oh fresh air!

(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)

Phoebe : (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know.

Rachel : Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on.

Phoebe : Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that.

Rachel : Okay.

Phoebe : Okay.

(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he’s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]

Rachel : Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The Priest emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He’s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

The Priest : I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel : Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.

[Scene: Monica’s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica’s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross : Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?

Mr. Geller : I thought he was with you.

Ross : He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek.

Mr. Geller : You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating.

Ross : (pause) You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.

Mrs. Geller : Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress.

Mrs. Bing : As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Mr. Bing : But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then.

Mrs. Bing : Honey, it isn’t good luck.

(Monica enters.)

Ross : Oh my God! Monica!

Monica : I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’?

Ross : Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler.

Monica : Are you okay?

Ross : Uh-huh.

Monica : Well, you’re-you’re sweating.

Ross : These-these are beads of joy.

Monica : Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me.

Ross : Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe : Yeah!

(They both go out into the hall.)

Phoebe : What’s going on?

Ross : Chandler’s gone again!

Phoebe : Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!

(Ross just glares at her.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]

Joey : Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered!

The Director : I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still shooting.

(He walks away and Joey does Ross’s fist thing. He then enters Richard’s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)

Richard : You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?

Joey : So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day.

Richard : Well have we finished the scene?

Joey : Yeah! You…you were wonderful.

Richard : As were you.

Joey : So I got your car, it’s right outside.

Richard : Why? Are we done for the day?

Joey : That’s what you told me.

Richard : Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)

Joey : No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman’s carry and carries him out.) Here we go.

Richard : Is that my ass? (He’s looking at Joey’s.)

(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)

[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]

Ross : (turning a corner) There he is!!

Chandler : What?

(Ross runs over and tackles him.)

Phoebe : Hey! Oh!

Ross : You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!

Chandler : Ross! (He starts to get up.)

Ross : Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister!

Chandler : (standing up) That’s right! I’m not!

Ross : Then where the hell have you been?!

Chandler : I know about Monica.

Phoebe : You know?!

Ross : What?

Chandler : Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross : What?! What?! Talking about what?!

Chandler : You don’t know?

Ross : Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now…

Phoebe : What? You’ll hi-ya?

Chandler : Monica’s pregnant.

Ross : Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out?

Chandler : Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes…

Phoebe and Ross : Cigarettes?!!

Chandler : Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary.

Phoebe : Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3.

Chandler : But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay.

Ross : Dude. (Hugs him.)

(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)

Mr. Geller : Way to go son! I knew you’d find him!

[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It’s time for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. We’ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we’ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]

Mr. Bing : Our little boy is getting married.

Mrs. Bing : Oh look at you! So handsome!

Chandler : You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I’m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)

(He walks up onto the altar and notices the Priest.)

The Priest : Are you Chandler?

Chandler : Are you Joey?

(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)

Ross : Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe : What?

Ross : I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce.

(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)

Mrs. Geller : Oh I wish you’re grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica : She’s right there.

Mrs. Geller : Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.

Mr. Geller : I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)

(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)

Chandler : You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)

Monica : Not now.

Chandler : Okay.

(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the Priest.)

Monica : (To Chandler) Who is this?

The Priest : I am Father Kalebasous.

Chandler : (in Monica’s ear) He’s Greek Orthodox.

Rachel : (leaning in) As are you…

The Priest : Let us begin. Dearly beloved…

Joey : (entering) That’s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the Priest) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He’s still in costume) but you won’t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?

(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)

Monica : (To Rachel) He took off?

Rachel : Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)

Monica : Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go!

Joey : Chandler?

(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)

Chandler : (To Ross) No, that’s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I’m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)

Joey : You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler : I do.

Monica : I do.

Joey : Yeah you do!

Ross : Rings?

Joey : Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings.

(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other’s fingers.)

Joey : We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.

(They kiss and everyone applauds.)

Chandler : (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.

Monica : What baby?

Chandler : Our baby.

Monica : We have a baby?

Chandler : Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica : I didn’t take a pregnancy test.

Chandler : Then…who did?

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe : Oh and they’re gonna have a baby.

Rachel : Uh-huh.

(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)

[Fade to black.]

Ending Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}