100年戦略

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting on the couch, Chandler is reading a newspaper, Joey is leafing through a magazine he is not really interested in, and he finally throws it on the table]

Joey : Can I see the comics?

Chandler : This is the New York Times.

Joey : Okay – *may I* see the comics? (Monica and Phoebe enter)

Monica : Guys … I thought you were taking Ross to the game.

Chandler : We are. He’s meeting us here.

Monica : No, Rachel is meeting *us* here.

Phoebe : (to Monica) Oh, c’mon, they can be in the same room.

Joey : (to Phoebe) Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.

Phoebe : Why? What happened now?

Joey : Well, Ross was hangin’ out over at our place? Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturizer from Chandler, an-

Chandler : (stopping him as if he were giving away a big secret) Hey! Ch- b- ch-. How hard is it to say “something”? “Rachel came over to borrow … something”.

Joey : Anyway, her and Ross just … started yellin’ at each other.

Phoebe : Wait, why was he yelling at her? He’s the one who slept with someone else.

Joey : Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should have forgiven him by now.

Phoebe : (shocked) Whoa! He is so unreasonable! (incensed) God! (suddenly turning understanding) Although, I think I understand what he means. Oh my god, this is like “60 Minutes”. Okay? When- when- at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug, and then – y’know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Chandler : You know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. (he ponders the similarites for a moment) Man, I hope Ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.

Phoebe : You know, I had a dream that Ross and Rachel were still together – they never broke up. And we were all just, like, hangin’ out and everyone was happy …

Joey : I had that same dream!

Phoebe : Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.

Joey : Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Chandler : Y’know what? Maybe it’s gonna be okay. I mean, it’s been a week …

Joey : Yeah … I mean, it’s never taken me more than a week to get over a relationship. (chuckles to himself)

Monica : (to Joey) It’s never taken you more than a *shower* to get over a relationship. (Rachel enters, and Monica and Phoebe quickly rush to greet her at the door) Okay! Let’s go! Let’s hit the road …

Rachel : Hey!

Monica : … let’s get the show on it!

Rachel : (to Monica) Okay, lemme just get a cup of coffee.

Monica : Oh, Rachel, I know the *best* coffeehouse, and it’s so close.

Rachel : Closer than here?

Phoebe : (discovering someone else’s stale mug of coffee) Wait, oh, look! I found coffee! (offers the mug to Rachel, laughing) okay, let’s skedaddle.

Rachel : Pheebs, I’m not gonna drink somebody’s old coffee.

Phoebe : OK … your highness. (Ross enters, realizes that Rachel is standing there, they both glare at each other near the doorway, Phoebe clears her throat, and disguises her voice like Ross) Rachel, I’m really sorry. (then, disguising her voice like Rachel) Um, that’s okay, Ross, you wanna get back together? (then, disguising her voice like Ross) Yeah, okay. (back to her normal voice, excited, adressing Joey and Chandler) Did anyone else hear that?

OPENING CREDITS

Scene : Chandler and Joey’s apartment

[Chandler is standing in the kitchen area, Monica and Phoebe are seated at the counter, we see Joey attempting to eat Chinese food from a take out box using chopsticks. After his final failed attempt results in food flung to the floor, he turns to Phoebe, who offers him a fork as a knock is heard at the door. Chandler answers, it is Rachel]

Rachel : Is he here?

Chandler : No.

Rachel : (smiling) Oh. Here’s your moisturizer. (Chandler again acts as if this is a well-kept secret, glancing over his shoulder, hoping nobody had heard, then, to Monica, Phoebe and Joey) Hi!

Monica : Hey.

Phoebe : Hi.

Rachel : You guys are gonna love me. Okay, check it out: Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein Lingerie Show, and you guys are coming with me. (they all react by looking down and/or around, not meeting Rachel’s glance) ‘Kay, I said that out loud, right?

Chandler : Yes, yes, it’s just that we, uh- we kind of already (clears throat) made plans with Ross. (he moves his head as if he’s going to say something more, then, suddenly realizing that there is nothing more to be said, he stops himself)

Rachel : (let down, but still trying to remain cheery) Oh. Well, okay. Well, there you go.

Phoebe : No, it’s just that he got this new, like, home theater dealie, and he wants, y’know, wants us to check it out.

Rachel : Mm-hmm.

Chandler : (chuckling) Yeah, he’s real excited about it, too – he even, uh, recorded showtimes on his answering machine.

Rachel : Ohh.

Monica : We’re sorry, honey.

Rachel : Oh, pfff, it’s okay.

Joey : (chasing after Rachel as she walks to the door) Hey, b-, Rach, it’s, it’s uh- it’s not that we don’t want to … really, uh- (he checks to see if the others are looking, then, in a hushed voice) Are we talking models in their underwear?

Rachel : (nodding) And heels. (Joey’s jaw drops, and he looks to Chandler with a face that says “can’t we go, please?”, in response Chandler sternly mouths the word “c’mon”, bringing Joey back to earth) Ehhh-ehh – Ross did ask us first, and we set that night aside, so …

Rachel : No, hey, c’mon, y’know? If he asked you first, that’s only fair. (she walks out the door)

Chandler : (as soon as the door shuts, pained) Ahhhh! (he cRosses to the oversized entertainment center)

Monica : (also in grief) Ohhh!

Phoebe : Boy, do I feel bad.

Joey : Oh, yeah.

Monica : Very bad.

Phoebe : (noticing Chandler is lighting a cigarette, in disbelief) Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica : Chandler!

Chandler : (noticing the cigarette and pointing to it with the free hand, as if he had no control over it) Oh my god!

Joey : You’re smoking again?

Chandler : Well, actually, yesterday I was “smoking again”, today I’m … I’m “smoking still”.

Phoebe : But, why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler : Look, I’m telling you – this is just like my parents’ divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.

Monica : (doing the math) Weren’t you nine?

Chandler : Yeah? I’m telling you something, that, uh, first smoke after nap time … (there is another knock at the door) Oh, that’s great – with my luck, that’s gonna be him.

Phoebe : “Him”? “Him” Ross?

Chandler : (matter-of-factly) No. Hymn, uh 253 – “His Eyes Are On The Sparrow”. When my parents got divorced is when I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Rachel : Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because, I have my sister on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend and go skiing! Huh? I’m asking you first, right? I mean, I’m (holding her hands to make quotation marks in the air) “playing by the rules”.

Joey, Monica and Phoebe : (enthusiastically) Absolutely! Yeah!

Rachel : (noticing Chandler is smoking) Chandler! You’re smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler : (angrily) Hey, shut up! You’re not my real mom!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler is smoking by an open window in the apartment, Ross is in the kitchen, Phoebe and Joey are seated at the counter]

Joey : Hey, could you close that window, Chandler? My nipples could cut glass over here.

Phoebe : (to Joey) Wait, really? ‘Cause mine get me out of tickets.

Ross : (coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of food) Look, you guys, uh, I just want to say I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It’s been a pretty hard time right now, so, I just want to say thanks.

Chandler : Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window. (Phoebe pats Ross on the back, Monica cuddles up to her brother)

Ross : Oh, hey, hey (walks over and displays his new home theater) huh? How ’bout this weekend we have a laser disk marathon, okay? And maybe, a tournament on my new (opens the doors on a new dart board on the column by the counter) dart board? Hah? Huh? Whaddya think? Huh? Two days of darts: (adopting a Scottish accent) it’ll be gr-reat!

Joey : It’ll be great for next weekend.

Ross : No no no! This weekend, guys.

Joey : It’ll be great for next weekend. I mean, (adopting a Scottish accent even worse than Ross’s) it’ll be gr-reat! (looks to Chandler for approval, but gets only a stern look)

Ross : What’s goin’ on?

Phoebe : We were, um, sort of invited to go skiing. Y’know, Rachel’s sister’s cabin? (sensing the mounting tension, Chandler lights a cigarette and walks to his open window)

Ross : So, for the whole weekend?

Monica : We’re really sorry, but, um- she did ask us first.

Ross : Yeah, that’s okay, I mean, if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I’m alone by myself, y’know, then totally, totally understand. (he shuts the doors on the new dart board)

Phoebe : Y’know what? I can stay, I’m gonna stay. ‘Cause the last time I went skiing I was too afraid to jump off the chairlift, I just went ’round and ’round.

Joey : (to Phoebe) Uh, Pheebs, we kinda need you to drive everybody up there in your grandmother’s cab, but, you know what? I’ll stay.

Monica : (stopping Joey) No, I’ll stay. He’s my brother.

Ross : What, a “pity stay”?

Monica : No! We’re gonna have fun … we can make fudge!

Ross : “Pity food”?! Y’know what? That’s okay, alright? I don’t need any of you to stay, okay? Nobody stays.

Chandler : (from the window) Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.

[Scene: Phoebe’s grandmother’s cab en route to the cabin, Phoebe’s driving, Rachel is in the passenger’s seat, Chandler, Monica and Joey are in the backseat]

Joey : (to Chandler and Monica, in a hushed tone) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross?

Monica : Why, do you think he’s still mad at us?

Chandler : (to Joey) Well, he’s prolly more mad since you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.

Joey : What? Mine aren’t tinted!

Phoebe : (noticing in the rear view mirror that Chandler is about to light another cigarette) Chandler!

Chandler : (with unlit cigarette in mouth) Wha-at?

Phoebe : What does the sign say?

Chandler : (noticing a sign on the back of Phoebe’s seat) “Beam me up, Jesus”.

Phoebe : No, the “no smoking” sign. There’s no smoking in my grandmother’s cab.

Chandler : OK, well, then I- I have to go to the bathroom.

Joey : Ohh …

Phoebe : Oh, please …

Monica : Chandler, no – no unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas.

Chandler : Oh, g- c’mon, there’s a rest stop right up there, c’mon I really have to go-o … (Chandler hangs on the “o” of “go” as a child might, waiting for a reaction)

Joey : Oh, now I have to go! (Chandler looks pleased with his results)

[Scene: the rest stop as the cab is pulling in]

Chandler : (to the others in the cab) Here we go – ‘kay, brace yourselves. (Joey and Chandler brace as if for impact)

Monica : (to Chandler) What? (Phoebe applies the brakes in her usual, sudden way – sending Monica to the divider between the front and back seats) Okay – owww. (Joey gets out of the car and walks quickly to the bathroom, Chandler climbs over Monica in the back seat so as to most quickly leave the car to smoke)

Phoebe : (to Rachel) Aren’t you gonna go?

Rachel : No, thank you.

Monica : (outside the car, to Phoebe) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. (shuts the rear door to the cab)

Rachel : (explaining to Phoebe) Well, they never have any paper in there, y’know? So my rule is: “no tissue, no tushie”. (Phoebe gets out and starts walking to the restroom, leaving the driver’s door open. Rachel, alone in the cab as it’s running, looks around, then changes her mind) Well, if everybody’s going … (she gets out and start to close the door, Phoebe notices)

Phoebe : Oh, y’know what, don’t close it (Rachel already having pushed the door cannot stop it in time before it closes) the … keys are in there …

Chandler : Oh, no no NO NO!

Joey : (emerging from the restroom) What’s goin’ on?

Chandler : My lighter’s in there!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: the rest stop, Chandler is holding his cigarette to the tailpipe of the cab]

Chandler : (hits the back bumper in frustration) Damn! The tailpipe’s not hot enough to light this.

Joey : Relax, okay? I- I can get this open. A- anybody got a coat hanger?

Chandler : Oh, I do. Oh, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.

Monica : (to Chandler) So, if your parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person?

Joey : Look, I just need a wire-somethin’ to jimmy it – oh, hey! (to the girls) One of you guys give me the underwire from your bra!

Monica : What?

Rachel : Wha-at?

Joey : C’mon, who has the biggest boobs?

Rachel : (gasps in a high pitch)

Monica : No way.

Phoebe : God!

Joey : Whoever has the biggest boobs has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.

Phoebe : No, no.

Monica : You’re not getting my bra.

Rachel : Mine are too expensive.

Joey : ‘Kay, if you wanna get back in the car, (pats the fender) we need that wire – your call. (leans on the car casually)

Phoebe : Okay, Monica’s are the biggest.

Monica : (laughs) These tiny little non-breasts? Please – gotta be Rachel.

Rachel : W- no, no-no, mine are deceptively small, I mean, I- I actually sometimes s- stuff my bra.

Monica : Alright, well then your bra would still be big.

Rachel : No, I stuff out-side the bra.

Chandler : Ladies, lis- let’s just compromise, okay? Phoebe, Rachel, take off Monica’s bra.

Phoebe : Alright, forget it. (zips up her jacket) Nevermind, you can have mine. (she pulls her arms inside her coat so she can remove her bra)

Monica : (to Phoebe) Thank you.

Rachel : (noticing that Chandler has just thrown an empty pack of cigarettes to the ground) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there. (pointing nearby)

Chandler : Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.

Phoebe : (finishing up her bra maneuver, handing her bra to Joey) ‘Kay. There. Here.

Joey : Thank you Phoebe, that’s very, very (rips the bra open and gets at the underwire) generous.

Chandler : Okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass.

Joey : (getting the door open) And there you go!

Monica and Phoebe : Hey! Oh!

Rachel : Oh, yayy!

Monica : (noticing Chandler has scrambled in the back of the cab, grabbed his long lost lighter, and is lighting up near the open window on one side, in a scolding tone) Oh, Chandler!

Chandler : (with cigarette in mouth) At least let me smoke it to the good part.

Phoebe : ‘Kay. (she starts to back the car out, but after a few feet the engine suddenly stops, Phoebe looks at her instrument panel) Oh, no.

Rachel : What?

Chandler : What?

Rachel : What’s it- what’s goin’ on?

Phoebe : Yeah, this has happened before.

Rachel : So you know how to fix it?

Phoebe : Yep, put more gas in.

[Scene: Carol’s apartment, a dinner table is nicely set including champagne, candles and wine glasses, there is a knock at her door and Carol runs to answer it, and after looking through the peephole, opens it to find Ross]

Carol : Hi!

Ross : Hi!

Carol : What are you doing here?

Ross : (walking in) Oh, just, uh, I was just wondering, when uh, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was um, half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home?

Carol : Uh, yeah, but now it’s Susan and me in Mexico, and the hostages coming home.

Ross : Ohh. Where’s Ben?

Carol : He’s sleeping.

Ross : Oh. Huh. (noticing the table) Ooo. Ooo! (chuckling) Is this a uh- is this a bad time?

Carol : (nervously) Um, yeah, actually – Susan’s gonna be here any minute, it’s um, kind of an anniversary.

Ross : Oh. I thought you guys got married in, uh, January …

Carol : Different kind of anniversary.

Ross : Oh. (ponders her meaning of “different”, and upon realizing) Oh.

Carol : (clearing her throat, trying to clear him out of the apartment) So, anyway …

Ross : (notcing the table setting) Candles, champagne, a- anniversaries are great. (chuckles to himself) ‘Cause, you know, love lasts forever, y’know? Nothing like it in this lifetime. Money in the bank. So, Rachel and I broke up …

Carol : (going to hug him) God, Ross, I am so sorry.

Ross : Yeah, well.

Carol : You know what? I wanna talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we can really get into it. You free for dinner tomorrow night?

Ross : Oh, yeah, I’d love that.

Carol : Oh, me too.

Ross : I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job … (he sits at the table)

[Scene: the rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are standing by, anxiously awaiting news]

Phoebe : (covering the phone, to Rachel and Monica) Okay, yeah, Triple-A can pick us up.

Rachel : Yeah!

Monica : Oh, good.

Phoebe : Yeah, just, what town are we near?

Monica : Umm – Free- Freemont, F- W- Westmont, ub, Westburg?

Phoebe : (to Monica) ‘Kay, why are you answering? Do you know at least what route we’re on?

Rachel : (with certainty) Y- we are definitely on Route 27.

Phoebe : (on the phone) Okay, we are at a rest stop on Route 27. (listens to the phone, then covering the phone, to Rachel) Okay, there is no “Route 27”. (listens to the phone, then, to Rachel) ‘Kay, either 93 or 76.

Rachel : I don’t know, I’m sorry – I always slept in the back when we drove up here.

Phoebe : (on the phone) Okay, hey, can you just, um, send someone up and down 76 and just check every rest stop? And, and, also 93? (listens to the phone, then, cheerfully) Okay. (hangs up) Yeah, no, they don’t do that.

Rachel : Uhhh! Okay, well, somebody will come and save us.

Monica : Who? I mean, have you seen a car come by in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car to pick us up.

Rachel : No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross. We will just have to … live here.

Phoebe : But, it’s so co …

Rachel : No, you guys, I’m not getting in a car with him. You’ll have to think of something else.

Phoebe : Oh, good. Ooo! Joey and Chandler are back. (Joey walks up the road, supporting a weakened Chandler)

Monica : (sarcastically) So the going for help went well.

Joey : Oh, yeah. “Smokey Joe” here got halfway to the highway and collapsed.

Chandler : I have the lung capacity of a two-year-old.

Monica : Then why are you smoking?

Chandler : (motioning to his lungs) Well, it’s very unsettling.

[Scene: CAROL’s apartment, at the nicely set dinner table, Ross is drinking Coke from a wine glass and eating CAROL’s anniversary dinner]

Ross : Right? Right? I mean, it’s pretty unbelievable, y’know? I mean, they just (takes a bite) took off. Took off, without even lookin’ back. Y’know, I don’t- I don’t need them. Huh! I’ve got you guys now as friends – you and Susan.

Carol : Ahh, Susan will be so pleased. (Ross’s beeper goes off, he checks the display)

Ross : 717? (to CAROL) Where’s 717? (he gets up and dials the phone, CAROL passes him as she takes the nearly empty plate towards the kitchen, he takes one of the last morsels) Hey, you have more of these for Susan, right?

Carol : No, but that’s okay. I’ll just put out pickles, or something.

Phoebe : (at the rest stop with Monica looking on, she answers the phone when it rings, whispering) Ross, thank god.

Ross : Pheebs? Why- why are you whispering?

Phoebe : I … ate a bug.

Monica : (noticing Rachel is coming) Hey, Rach! The tampons here are only a penny! Let’s stock up (she hustles Rachel into the women’s room).

Phoebe : Listen, Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don’t know where we are, so we can’t get a tow truck.

Ross : (taking a sarcastic tone) Oh, now you want a favor.

Phoebe : Yes, please.

Ross : Well, uh- I’m sorry your car broke down, Pheebs, but I’m a little too busy with some of my *real* friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely, oka-

Carol : (taking the phone from Ross) Phoebe, hang on a second. (she picks up keys off of the table and holds them in front of Ross, and instructs him) Here – take my car, go pick up your friends.

Ross : No, I’m not going to pick them up …

Carol : Liss-ten. We both know you’re gonna do it ’cause you’re not a jerk, okay? So you can either sulk here for half an hour and then go pick them up, or you can save us both time and sulk in the car.

Ross : No, Rachel doesn’t want me to …

Carol : Look, I- I am sorry that Rachel dumped you ’cause she fell in love with that Mark guy and you were the innocent victim in all of this, but don’t punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.

Ross : (realizing) Yeah, you’re right.

Carol : (on the phone) Phoebe, hang on a second, Ross wants to tell you something. (listening on the phone) What? (in shock, to Ross) You slept with someone else?

Ross : (to CAROL) We were ON A BREAK, okay?! (takes the phone from CAROL, to Phoebe on the phone) We were, we were … yeah? (listening) Where are y-? (listening) I’ll find you. (hangs up the phone)

Carol : (disappointed) You slept with another woman.

Ross : (defensive) Oh, y- y- you’re one to talk. (CAROL slowly realizes she can’t say anything in response)

[Scene: the rest stop, Joey has just finished arranging branches to spell out the word “PLEH”, approximately three feet high]

Joey : OK, done.

Monica : What’s “PLEH”?

Joey : That’s “HELP” spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air. (gives Monica a look as if she should have known better, then he looks skyward)

Monica : Huh. What’s “doofus” spell backwards? (a Jeep approaches the rest stop)

Rachel : Oh! Oh! Car! Car! (noticing that Ross is the driver) Ucchh!

Phoebe : Oh, it’s Ross on one of his drives!

Joey : Heyy!

Chandler : Hey!

Phoebe : Hi!

Rachel : (angrily, to Phoebe) What is he doing here?

Ross : “He” is saving your butt. Unless of course I’m stepping on some toes here, in which case I could just mosey on – I’ve got plenty of people to help on the interstate.

Chandler : No, no, we need you, you big (something), c’mon …

Joey : C’mon, c’mon! We need your help!

Monica : Please, we need your help, please.

Rachel : (throwing her hands in the air) Alright, fine, fine! (she walks away from the group)

Ross : Hey.

Joey : (greeting Ross as he approaches with a gas can) Hey-hey-hey (then, noticing he is walking through and messing up the “PLEH” sign, agitated) aaAAAHHH!

Chandler : (sarcastically, to Joey) Oh, no, now it’s not gonna make any sense!

Phoebe : (as Ross fills the cab’s gas tank, to Monica, Joey and Chandler) You guys, what- what do we do about Ross – he drove all the way up here. What do we do, just, like, send him back and then we’re gonna go skiing?

Chandler : (lamenting) Oh, this is horrible. It’s just horrible.

Joey : Hey, y- you guys, you think we should ask Ross to come along?

Monica : I know, but what about Rachel? I mean, how are we gonna even ask her?

Rachel : (joining the circle) Ask me what?

Monica : Um – if uh, it might be okay if Ross came skiing.

Joey : I wasn’t … yeah, I wasn’t gonna ask you that.

Phoebe : No, no, I wasn’t gonna ask that.

Chandler : No.

Rachel : You guys are unbelievable. No he cannot come!

Ross : Excuse me?

Chandler : (to Ross, as if in answer) It’s horrible?

Ross : (to Rachel) Oh, please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin?

Rachel : Why would you even wanna come Ross, you’re a horrible skier!

Ross : (steadying himself by putting his hand on Joey’s shoulder, as if mortally wounded) Oh, oh – hitting me where it hurts: my ski skills!

Monica : Here we go again.

Joey : I- I can’t handle this, you guys. (walking away from the confrontation)

Chandler : Y’know, I can handle it. Handle’s my middle name. Actually, it’s the, uh, the middle part of my first name.

Ross : Alright, Pheebs, your cab’s ready.

Rachel : Alright, let’s go!

Ross : (to Rachel) You’re welcome.

Rachel : Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me, or sleeping with someone else?

Ross : We were on a break!

Rachel : Oh, c- y’know Ross, why don’t you just put *that* on your answering machine?

Ross : Hey, hey, it’s valid, okay? And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Monica agrees with me.

Rachel : (looking past Ross at Monica, with an icy delivery) What?

Monica : (in a tiny voice) I don’t know.

Ross : (to Monica) That’s what you said last night.

Monica : What I said was- was that I … understood. (deflecting the attention, she points at Joey) Joey is the one who agreed with you.

Ross : Okay.

Rachel : Really, Joey?

Joey : (first scolding at Monica, then suddenly flustered at being pinned down, he pretends not to hear) What? (looking to Chandler for a restatement of the question)

Phoebe : You know what? But there i- there is no right or wrong, here …

Rachel : No, I think it’s very obvious who’s wrong here.

Ross : Obviously not to Joey.

Joey : (again flustered as they all look to him for a response, he pretends not to hear again) What?

Ross : Look, look, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do, they no-no-no-no …

Rachel : You don’t know anything, y’know, you and this like, innocent little puppy dog

act …

Phoebe : (trying to make them stop)

Chandler : (drawing the attention) Hey, just guess what I am! (as he does a strange little dance some distance from the argument, it works for only a moment as they continue bickering while Chandler continues his dance, Ross grabs Monica and pulls her toward him to help make his case, Monica clearly does not appreciate it)

Phoebe : (yelling, as Chandler continues to dance) Hey, hey, hey, HEY, HEY!!! Look what you’re doing to Chandler! (he stops dancing, to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know that this is really, really hard for you guys, okay? (Ross stops listening and walks back toward CAROL’s Jeep) You don’t – alright, you don’t have to love each other … okay? You don’t even, you don’t even have to like each other much right now, but – please you have to figure out a way to be around each other.

Joey : Yeah, and not put us in the middle!

Phoebe : Yeah, otherwise, I mean, that- that’s just, that’s it for us hanging out together. Y’know? Is that what you want? (she pauses as Ross and Rachel start to understand) Can you be civil?

Rachel : Yeah.

Ross : I can.

Phoebe : Okay. Good, alright. Let’s get back in the car ’cause it’s freezing and my chest is unsupported.

Joey : Uh, wai- wai- wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who’s going with who?

Ross : Look – you guys should, you guys should go. No, um, y’know, you y- planned this all out, and … I don’t wanna ruin it, so, you guys should just go.

Joey : Aww, c’mon, man, you drove all the way up here …

Monica : (something)

Ross : No, no, hey, no-no, really – um, gotta take the car back anyway, I’m spending all day tomorrow with Ben (laughs) it’s fine, okay? Just go – no guilt, I promise.

Rachel : Thank you. (Joey pats Ross on the shoulder, then goes to get in the cab along with Rachel)

Monica : (to Ross as she hugs him and kisses him on the cheek) Alright, we’ll call you when we get back.

Ross : Okay. (Monica leaves to get in the cab)

Phoebe : (to Ross as she hugs him and kisses him on the cheek) Maybe we can, like, go to a movie or something …

Ross : Okay.

Phoebe : … y’know? Or, okay, or- or- the RODEO!

Ross : That’d be great.

Phoebe : Okay. (Phoebe leaves to get in the cab)

Chandler : (making reference to his earlier dancing) I was … being Shelley Winters from “The Poseidon Adventure”.

Ross : I know. (Chandler leaves to get in the cab)

Phoebe and Monica : (as the cab pulls away and Ross gets back in the Jeep) Bye! (Ross attempts to start the Jeep, but the battery is dead. After three attempts at restarting it and as the camera pulls away, Ross hits his forehead on the steering wheel, sounding the horn)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Carol’s apartment, late at night, the apartment bell is ringing, Carol appears from the bedroom, turning on the light and going to answer the door, she looks through the peephole and is exasperated to find it is Ross, she opens the door]

Carol : (breathless) Ross!

Ross : Hi, sorry I’m late, uh, were you sleepin’?

Carol : (somewhat impatiently) Uhh, no. (she picks something [!] out of her mouth)

Ross : (unaware of the connotation) Oh, great! So, uh, oh, I had to get you a whole new battery – I got you the best one I could ’cause that’s not where you wanna skimp.

Carol : You’re a genius, Ross.

Ross : Yeah, well – it came to about a hundred and twelve dollars, but what the hell – just call it an even one-ten?

Carol : Okay. I’ll pay you tomorrow, Ross, okay? Bye! (she hustles him out the door, trying to close the conversation, but Ross continues on)

Ross : So they, uh … they all took off, it was pretty hard watching ’em go, y’know?

Carol : Yeah, okay, bye. (slams the door in his face, quickly locking it and turning off the light)

Ross : (after a brief pause, from behind the door) So, I’m gonna take off, then.