100年戦略

[Pre- intro scene: Chandler’s office block. Chandler is on a coffee break.]

[Enter Shelley]

Shelley : Hey gorgeous, how’s it going?

Chandler : Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights… does it get better than this?

Shelley : Question. You’re not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.

Chandler : Ah, y’see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said ‘co-dependent’, or ‘self-destructive’…

Shelley : Do you want a date Saturday?

Chandler : Yes please.

Shelley : Okay. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s-

Chandler : He’s a he?

Shelley : Well yeah! …Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I’m just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now- [backs out of the room] -okay, goodbye…

[Opening credits]

[Scene 1: Mon+Rach’s. Everyone is there.]

Chandler : …Couldn’t enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?

Rachel : Um… yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y’know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be…

Chandler : You did?

Rachel : Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe’s entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

Chandler : Huh. Did, uh… any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

Monica : I did.

Phoebe : Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Joey : Not me.

Ross : Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y’know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.

Chandler : You’re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn’t?

Ross : No. No, it’s just ’cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also liked her, so…

[Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler’s look and abruptly stops]

Chandler : Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?

Phoebe : I dunno, ’cause you’re smart, you’re funny…

Chandler : Ross is smart and funny, d’you ever think that about him?

All : Yeah! Right!

Chandler : WHAT IS IT?!

Monica : Okay, I-I d’know, you-you just- you have a quality.

All : Yes. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler : Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

[Phone rings; Mon gets it]

Monica : Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it’s Paolo calling from Rome.

Rachel : Oh my God! Calling from Rome! [Takes phone] Bon giorno, caro mio.

Ross : [To Joey] So he’s calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.

Rachel : Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. [Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler] I’m talking to Rome.

Monica : Hey dad, what’s up? Oh God. Ross, it’s Nana.

[Scene 2: Hospital.

[ Mr.+Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter. Everyone says hi and kisses]

Ross : So, uh, how’s she doing?

Aunt Lillian : The doctor says it’s a matter of hours.

Monica : How-how are you, Mom?

Mrs. Geller : Me? I’m fine, fine. I’m glad you’re here. …What’s with your hair?

Monica : What?

Mrs. Geller : What’s different?

Monica : Nothing.

Mrs. Geller : Oh, maybe that’s it.

[Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside]

Monica : She is unbelievable, our mother is…

Ross : Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.

Monica : Oh God!

[They hug. Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana]

Monica : The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.

Ross : Oh! …Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet ‘n’ Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.

Mr. Geller : Not just restaurants, from our house.

[The nurse comes out of Nana’s room]

Nurse : Mrs. Geller?

[Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana’s room]

Ross : She looks so small.

Monica : I know.

Ross : Well, at least she’s with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.

Monica : G’bye, Nana. [She kisses her on the forehead]

Ross : Bye, Nana.

[He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room]

Monica : Ross!

[Ross runs out too]

Mrs. Geller : What is going on?!

Ross : Y’know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she’s not, quite..

Mrs. Geller : What?

Ross : She’s not- past, she’s present, she’s back.

Aunt Lillian : [Reentering] What’s going on?

Mr. Geller : She may have died.

Aunt Lillian : She may have died?

Mr. Geller : We’re looking into it.

[Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana’s room]

Ross : I, uh, I’ll go see. [He goes in]

Nurse : This almost never happens!

[Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family]

Ross : Now she’s passed.

[Scene 3: Central Perk.

[ The other four are there]

Chandler : I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?

Rachel : [Exasperated] Yes, Chandler, that’s exactly what it is. It’s your hair.

Phoebe : Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

[Enter Monica and Ross]

Rachel : So, um, did she…

Ross : Twice.

Joey : Twice?

Phoebe : Oh, that sucks!

Joey : You guys okay?

Ross : I dunno, it’s weird. I mean, I know she’s gone, but I just don’t feel, uh…

Phoebe : Maybe that’s ’cause she’s not really gone.

Ross : Nono, she’s gone.

Monica : We checked. A lot.

Phoebe : Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she’s like right here, y’know? [She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously] Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y’know? …I miss her.

Rachel : Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? [Gives her a pencil]

Phoebe : Thanks!

Rachel : Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.

Joey : Now, see, I don’t believe any of that. I think once you’re dead, you’re dead! You’re gone! You’re worm food! [Realises his tactlessness] …So Chandler looks gay, huh?

Phoebe : Y’know, I dunno who this is, but it’s not Debbie. [Hands back the pencil]

Scene 4 : Nana’s house.

[ Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes]

Ross : I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.

Mrs. Geller : Well, that doesn’t mean she can’t look nice!

[They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers]

Mrs. Geller : Sweetie, you think you can get in there?

Ross : [Sarcastic] I don’t see why not.

[He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout]

Ross : Here’s my retainer!

Scene 5 : Mon+Rach’s.

[ Monica is talking to her father]

Mr. Geller : I was just thinking. When my time comes-

Monica : Dad!

Mr. Geller : Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.

Monica : You what?

Mr. Geller : I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.

Monica : Define fun.

Mr. Geller : C’mon, you’ll make a day of it! You’ll rent a boat, pack a lunch…

Monica : …And then we throw your body in the water… Gee, that does sound fun.

Mr. Geller : Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says ‘Jack Geller, so predictable’. Maybe after I’m gone, they’ll say ‘Buried at sea! Huh!’.

Monica : That’s probably what they’ll say.

Mr. Geller : I’d like that.

Scene 6 : Chandler’s office block.

[ Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters]

Chandler : Hey, gorgeous.

Shelley : [Sheepish] Hey. Look, I’m sorry about yesterday, I, um-

Chandler : No, nono, don’t- don’t worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.

Shelley : Oh! Okay! Phew!

Chandler : So, uh… what do you think it is about me?

Shelley : I dunno, uh… you just have a-a…

Chandler : …Quality, right, great.

Shelley : Y’know, it’s a shame, because you and Lowell would’ve made a great couple.

Chandler : Lowell? Financial Services’ Lowell, that’s who you saw me with?

Shelley : What? He’s cute!

Chandler : Well, yeah… ‘s’no Brian in Payroll.

Shelley : Is Brian…?

Chandler : No! Uh, I d’know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I’d like to think you’d set me up with someone like him.

Shelley : Well, I think Brian’s a little out of your league.

Chandler : Excuse me? You don’t think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. …I’m really not.

[Cut to Nana’s]

Ross : [Holding a dress out from inside the closet] This one?

Aunt Lillian : No.

Ross : I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.

Aunt Lillian : You know, whatever we pick, she would’ve told us it’s the wrong one.

Mrs. Geller : You’re right. We’ll go with the burgundy.

Ross : Oh! A fine choice. I’m coming out. [Starts to climb over the furniture]

Aunt Lillian : Wait! We need shoes!

[Ross falls back inside]

Ross : Okay. Um, how about these? [Holds out a pair]

Mrs. Geller : That’s really a day shoe.

Ross : And where she’s going everyone else’ll be dressier?

Aunt Lillian : Could we see something in a slimmer heel?

Ross : [Forages around] Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.

Aunt Lillian : No, it really should be burgundy.

Mrs. Geller : Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?

Ross : No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.

[He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet ‘n’ Los.]

Ross : Oh my God..

Mrs. Geller : Is everything all right, dear?

Ross : Yeah, just… just Nana stuff.

[He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet ‘n’ Los rain down on him]

[Commercial]

Scene 7 : Mon+Rach’s.

[ Mon+Rach are preparing to leave for the funeral]

Ross : [Entering] How we doing, you guys ready?

Monica : Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?

Ross : Some days it’s all I can think about.

Phoebe : [Entering] Hi, sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my bearings.

Rachel : Oh, you-you mean your earrings?

Phoebe : What’d I say?

Rachel : [Sticking her foot out]Hm-m.

Monica : Are these the shoes?

Rachel : Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.

Ross : What, we-uh- we don’t have shoes here, or…?

Joey : [Entering with Chandler] Morning. We ready to go?

Chandler : Well, don’t we look nice all dressed up?…It’s stuff like that, isn’t it?

[They all leave]

Scene 8 : The cemetary, after the funeral

Monica : It was a really beautiful service.

Mrs. Geller : It really was. Oh, c’mere, sweetheart. [Hugs her] Y’know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.

[Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching]

Joey : What?

Chandler : Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.

Joey : Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. [He has a pocket TV]

Chandler : You’re watching a football game at a funeral?

Joey : No, it’s the pre-game. I’m gonna watch it at the reception.

Chandler : You are a frightening, frightening man.

[Rachel steps in a patch of mud]

Rachel : Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!

Ross : Oh, I hope they’re not ruined.

Phoebe : God, what a great day. …What? Weather-wise!

Ross : I know, uh, the air, the-the trees… even though Nana’s gone there’s, there’s something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- [Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave]

All : God! Ross!

Ross : I’m fine. Just-just… having my worst fear realised…

Scene 9 : The wake, at the Gellers’ house.

[ Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he’s injured]

Phoebe : Okay, don’t worry, I’m just checking to see if the muscle’s in spasm…huh.

Ross : What, what is it?

Phoebe : You missed a belt loop.

Ross : Oh! No-n-

Phoebe : Okay, it’s in spasm.

Mrs. Geller : Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. [Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears]

[Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat]

Chandler : Oh, no-

Andrea : Sorry- Hi, I’m Dorothy’s daughter.

Chandler : Hi, I’m Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.

[They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned]

Phoebe : Hey, look who’s up! How do you feel?

Ross : I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.

Monica : Wow, those pills really worked, huh?

Ross : Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! …I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister [Kisses Mon], I love Pheebs.. [Hugs her]

Phoebe : Ooh! That’s so nice…

Ross : …Chandler!

Chandler : Hey.

Ross : [Hugs him] And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn’t matter to me.

Andrea : [Turns to a friend] You were right. [They walk off and leave Chandler.]

Ross : Rachel. Rachel Rachel. [Sits down beside her] I love you the most.

Rachel : [Humouring him] Oh, well you know who I love the most?

Ross : No.

Rachel : You!

Ross : Oh.. you don’t get it! [Passes out and slumps across her]

[Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment]

Mr. Geller : Whaddya got there?

Joey : [Hides the TV, but he still has an earphone] Just a, uh… hearing disability.

Mr. Geller : What’s the score?

Joey : Seventeen-fourteen Giants… three minutes to go in the third.

Mr. Geller : Beautiful! [Turns to watch with him]

[Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game]

Rachel : [Still trapped under Ross] Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?

Mrs. Geller : [To Mon] Your grandmother would have hated this.

Monica : Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.

Mrs. Geller : No, I’d be hearing about ‘Why didn’t I get the honey-glazed ham?’, I didn’t spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she’d be saying ‘Why are you wasting your money? I don’t need flowers, I’m dead’.

Monica : That sounds like Nana.

Mrs. Geller : Do you know what it’s like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?

Monica : …I can imagine.

Mrs. Geller : I’m telling you, it’s a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.

Monica : That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?

Mrs. Geller : Tell her what?

Monica : How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair… for example.

Mrs. Geller : I’m not sure I know what you’re getting at.

Monica : Do you think things would have been better if you’d just told her the truth?

Mrs. Geller : …No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it’s nicer when people just get along.

Monica : Huh.

Mrs. Geller : More wine, dear?

Monica : Oh, I think so.

Mrs. Geller : [Reaches out to fiddle with Mon’s hair again, and realises] Those earrings look really lovely on you.

Monica : Thank you. They’re yours.

Mrs. Geller : Actually they were Nana’s.

[There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.]

Mr. Geller : Now I’m depressed! …[To everyone] Even more than I was.

Scene 10 : Central Perk.

[ The gang are looking at old photos]

Rachel : Hey, who’s this little naked guy?

Ross : That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel : Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross : Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler : Who are those people?

Ross : Got me.

Monica : Oh, that’s Nana, right there in the middle. [Reads the back] ‘Me and the gang at Java Joe’s’.

Rachel : Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica : Let’s see, 1939… yeah, 24, 25?

Ross : Looks like a fun gang. [They all look at each other and smile]

Joey : Ooh, look look look look look! I got Monica naked!

Ross : [Looking] Nono, that would be me again. I’m, uh, just trying something.

End credits.

Scene : Chandler’s office block, yet another coffee break. Enter Lowell…

Chandler : Hey, Lowell.

Lowell : Hey, Chandler.

Chandler : So how’s it going there in Financial Services?

Lowell : It’s like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How ’bout you?

Chandler : Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh… I’m not.

Lowell : I know. That’s what I told her.

Chandler : Really.

Lowell : Yeah.

Chandler : So- you can tell?

Lowell : Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of… radar.

Chandler : So you don’t think I have a, a quality?

Lowell : Speaking for my people, I’d have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.

Chandler : He is ?

Lowell : Yup, and waaay out of your league. [Exits]

Chandler : Out of my league. I could get a Brian. [Brian enters behind him] If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. [Sees him] Hey, Brian.