[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s a scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]
Jennifer Aniston (V.O.) : Previously on Friends.
Monica : Erica, are you okay?
Erica : Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes.
Monica : Oh my God!
Chandler : Relax! We’ll just get her some antacids.
Monica : She doesn’t have a stomach-ache. She’s in labor!
Chandler : Oh my God!
[Cut to Ross’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are there. It’s another scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]
Rachel : So if you think I didn’t say goodbye to you because you don’t mean as much to me as everybody else, you’re wrong. It’s because you mean more to me.
Ross : Rach!
Rachel : What?!
(He walks over and kisses her. They pull back, Rachel looks at him, and they kiss again.)
[Scene: Ross’s bedroom. Rachel is putting on her shoes as Ross shows up from underneath the covers.]
Ross : Hey.
Rachel : Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home.
Ross : Oh. This was amazing.
Rachel : It really was. You’ve learned some new moves!
Ross : Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me “Sex for Dummies” as a joke.
Rachel : Ah.
Ross : Who’s laughing now?
Rachel : I know!
[Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.]
Monica : Breathe, breathe, breathe… Good.
Chandler : Next time, can I say breathe?
Monica : No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips?
Erica : No, I’m okay.
Monica : Alright, I’ll be right back.
Chandler : Where are you going?
Monica : To use the bathroom.
Chandler : You can’t leave me alone with her.
Monica : What?
Chandler : This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!
Monica : What kind of social situation are you comfortable with?
Chandler : It’s just that we’ve never spent any time, you know, alone together.
Monica : You’ll be fine. Nah, you won’t, but I’ll be back in two minutes.
Chandler : Okay.
(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)
Chandler : So, ah… Any plans for the summer?
Erica : I don’t know. Maybe church-camp?
Chandler : Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?
Erica : What?
Chandler : Well, it’s just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.
(Erica just looks at him like he’s crazy.)
Chandler : One of life’s great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there’s something even more painful than those things? Like this.
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.]
Phoebe : Morning.
Joey : Hey!
Phoebe : What’s that?
Joey : It’s my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.
Phoebe : It’s a baby chick and duck!
Joey : Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr.
Phoebe : I did not see that coming.
Joey : Yeah, I figure they’ll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.
Phoebe : Yes.
Joey : Yeah. It’s a shame people can’t visit there.
Phoebe : That is the rule, though.
Phoebe : Guess what? You’re almost an uncle!
Ross : What?
Joey : Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!
Ross : Oh my God!
Phoebe : Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it’s gonna be a girl.
Ross : Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl.
Phoebe : Have you seen him throw a ball?
Ross : Is Rachel here?
Joey : Uh, I think she’s still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.
Ross : Uh, we, y’know, we worked things out.
Phoebe : What’s that smile? Did something happen with you two?
Ross : Hey, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I’m also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!
Joey : Oh my God. You and Rachel?
Ross : I know, it’s pretty great.
Joey : So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together?
Ross : Oh, I.. I don’t know. We didn’t really get to talk.
Phoebe : But do you wanna get back together?
Ross : I don’t know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together.
Phoebe : (screaming) YAY!
Ross : Shhh!
Phoebe : (quietly) Yay!
Joey : So, so is she still going to Paris?
Ross : Wow, I hadn’t thought of that. I hope not.
Phoebe : Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I’m in a musical! (Singing) “Daa – raa… When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes…”
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel : Morning!
Phoebe : Guess we’ll never know how it ends.
Joey : Okay.
Ross : Hey.
Rachel : Hey.
Ross : Hey. How did you sleep?
Rachel : Good. You?
Ross : Good.
Joey : I bet you did!
Ross : Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute?
Joey : Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?
Rachel : Chick and the duck? Didn’t they die…
Phoebe : (interrupting) Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm.
(Joey and Phoebe leave.)
Ross : So…
(He kisses her.)
Ross : Morning.
Rachel : You too. Last night was just wonderful.
Ross : It really was.
Rachel : I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face.
Ross : I know, me too. It was… You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it’s everything you want it to be.
Rachel : Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.)
[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]
Monica : It’s just a little bit more, honey.
Erica : Help me! This hurts!
Chandler : Is it really that bad?
Erica : Uh-huh! I think it’s time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!
(Monica gives Chandler a look.)
Doctor : The baby’s head is crowning.
(Monica walks down to Erica’s legs to watch the birth.)
Monica : Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!
(Chandler is standing by Erica’s head.)
Chandler : I’m okay.
Monica : Chandler, you don’t wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It’s the miracle of life!
Chandler : Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.
Doctor : Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders…
(The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.)
Monica : It’s a… It’s a boy!
Chandler : Wow!
Erica : Is he okay?
Doctor : He’s just fine.
Monica : Oh, you did it!
Chandler : (emotional) It’s a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I’m gonna pretend I don’t see.
Doctor : Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?
(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)
Chandler : Well, that’s spongy.
Monica : (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I’m gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!
Chandler : I know. He has your eyes.
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler : I mean, I know that’s not possible, but he does.
Nurse : We’ll just get him cleaned up a bit.
(The doctor hands the boy to the nurse, and she walks over to another part of the room with him.)
Chandler : Okay.
Monica : (To Erica) Oh my God, he’s beautiful. Thank you so much.
Erica : I’m really happy for you guys.
Chandler : How do you feel?
Erica : I’m tired!
Doctor : Well, you don’t have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.
(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)
Monica : I… I’m sorry, who should be along in a what now?
Doctor : The next baby should be along in a minute.
Monica : We only ordered one!
Doctor : You know it’s twins, right?
Chandler : Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
Doctor : I can’t believe you didn’t know it’s twins! This has never happened before.
Chandler : Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.
Monica : (to the doctor) Wait, did you know it was twins?
Doctor : Yeah, it’s here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio.
Monica : (to Erica) Anybody tell you?
Erica : I don’t think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby’s. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that’s good ’cause I’m having a baby.
Monica : This is unbelievable.
Erica : Twins actually run in my family.
Chandler : Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?
(They walk over to the door.)
Chandler : What do we do?
Monica : What do you mean “what do we do”?
Chandler : (panicking) Twins! Twins!!
Monica : Chandler, you’re panicking!
Chandler : Uh-huh! Join me, won’t you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?
Monica : We can’t split them up!
Chandler : Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they’ll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that’s a great day for everybody.
Monica : Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?
Chandler : What if they’re not? What if it’s adopted by a king?
Monica : Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.
Chandler : Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!
Monica : That doesn’t matter! We have waited so long for this. I don’t care if it’s two babies. I don’t care if it’s three babies! I don’t care if the entire cast of “Eight is Enough” comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!
Chandler : (smiles) Okay. Shhh…
(He hugs her.)
Chandler : Okay.
Monica : Okay!
Chandler : Okay!
Doctor : It looks like we’re about ready over here.
(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica’s bed.)
Doctor : Come on, Erica, start pushing again now.
Erica : Ow!
Doctor : Here she comes!
Chandler : (shocked) She? It’s a girl?
Doctor : Yeah.
Chandler : (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that’s enough!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Ross : And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye.
Joey : Oh my God! What did you say?
Ross : Nothing! What do you say to that?
Phoebe : Ross, you’ve got to tell her how you feel!
Ross : No way!
Joey : You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?
Ross : What?
Joey : Dude, I’m just trying to speak your language.
Phoebe : Ross, Rachel doesn’t know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go.
Ross : You really think so?
Phoebe : I’m telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there’d be a really good convincing song. (Singing) “Bam-bam, don’t take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don’t let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam…”
(Rachel enters and interrupts Phoebe’s song.)
Rachel : Hi!
Phoebe : Can’t a girl finish a song around here?
Joey : Hey!
Rachel : Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom’s.
Ross : Okay.
Joey : Oh, you’re not taking her with you tonight?
Rachel : No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday.
Phoebe : Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom.
Rachel : Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma!
(Rachel walks up to the counter.)
Ross : Alright, you know what? You’re right. I should at least tell her how I feel.
(He stands up.)
Joey : Ross, wait!
Ross : What? What?
Joey : Could you get me a muffin?
(Ross walks up to Rachel, but Gunther gets there first.)
Gunther : Rachel?
Rachel : Yeah?
Gunther : I… I know you’re leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you.
(Ross is shocked.)
Gunther : I… I don’t know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel : (touched) Gunther… Oh… I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I’m in a cafe, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I’ll think of you. Aw.
(She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.)
Rachel : Oh… Bye guys.
Ross : Oh my God!
Phoebe : Unbelievable!
Joey : Hey, you know what might help?
Ross : I’m not getting you a muffin!
[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]
Monica : Do you think they recognize each other from in there?
Chandler : Maybe. Unless they’re like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they’re pushed through a vagina and they meet.
Nurse : We’re going to take Erica to recovery now.
Monica : There’s something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica : Oh my God, that’s just like my name!
Monica : Son of a gun, it is!
Erica : Anyway, I’m gonna go and get some rest. I’m really glad I picked you guys. You’re gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.
Monica : Okay, well, bye!
Erica : Bye!
Chandler : Bye!
Monica : We’ll call you!
Erica : Okay.
Chandler : Have fun at church-camp!
(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)
Monica : Oh, look at these little bunnies!
Chandler : I know! You ready to trade?
Monica : Okay.
Chandler : Okay.
Monica : Alright, let’s see..
(They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.)
Chandler : We could trade later.
Monica : Yeah, I’m good.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there. There is a white crib decorated with balloons in the middle of the apartment. Also, there are boxes all over the apartment. Joey is working on something on the coffee table.]
Phoebe : Hey, what are you working on?
Joey : It’s a… It’s a “welcome home” sign for the baby.
(He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, “Welcome Home Baby.” There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.)
Phoebe : How sweet! Oh, is that the baby?
(She points at the stain.)
Joey : No, I sat in the paint.
(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)
Ross : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel?
Ross : No, and I’m not going to.
Phoebe : What?
Joey : Why not?
Ross : Because she’s just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun.
Phoebe : How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he’s sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night.
Ross : Yeah, and she still wants to go! It’s pretty clear where she is.
Joey : Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes…
(He sits down in the wet paint again.)
Phoebe : Uh, Joe?
Joey : Damn it!
Ross : Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don’t have to do it now. Okay? I’ll be seeing her again. We’ve got time.
Phoebe : No, you don’t! She’s going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It’s… It’s a city of Gunthers!
(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)
Mike : Hey!
Phoebe : Hey! What do you have there?
Mike : Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it’d be better, but..
(He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, “Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.”)
Ross : Oh my God! You did that yourself?
Phoebe : Honey, that’s gorgeous!
Joey : You know, the baby can’t read, Mike!
Rachel : Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can’t believe they’re not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!
Joey : Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there’s some big surprise.
Phoebe : Yeah, did she sound happy about it? ‘Cause my friend Ethel’s baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard.
(Monica enters carrying her son.)
Rachel : Oh my God!
Ross : Oh my God!
(They all walk over to see the baby.)
Rachel : Hi! Oh my gosh!
(Chandler enters carrying his daughter.)
Chandler : Hey.
(Everybody turns around.)
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel : Hey.
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica’s carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn’t figured it out yet.)
Joey : (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise?
Rachel : Oh.
(Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.)
Ross : Oh my God!
Rachel : What… What…
Ross : Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right?
Monica : Yes, it’s twins!
Ross : Oh my God.
Joey : Oh, they’re so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they?
Monica : (points at the baby she’s holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that’s a girl.
Chandler : Her name is Erica.
Rachel : Aw..
Joey : Hey, that pregnant girl’s name was Erica.
Chandler : Yeah. It’s a shame you two didn’t get to spend more time together.
Monica : Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad.
Ross : Aw, he’s gonna be so happy.
Phoebe : Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a ’40s newspaper guy, you know? “Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I’m gonna blow this story wide open!”
(Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.)
Rachel : Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful.
Mike : (To Phoebe) I want one.
Phoebe : Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I’ll try slip it in my coat.
Mike : Seriously. Wanna make one of those?
Phoebe : One? How about a whole bunch?
Mike : Really?
Phoebe : Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull.
Rachel : Oh, you guys, I can’t believe this. But I’ll leave now, or I’m gonna miss my plane.
Monica : I’m just so glad you got to see the babies.
Rachel : Me too. Oh, I’m just sorry I’m not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can’t say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.
Monica : I love you.
Chandler : I love you.
Monica : Call us when you get there.
Rachel : I will. Ross, come here.
(She pulls him over to the door.)
Rachel : I just want you to know.. Last night.. I’ll never forget it.
Ross : Neither will I.
(They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.)
Rachel : Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they’re gonna really hate me over there.
Phoebe : So, you just let her go?
Ross : Yeah.
Joey : Hey, maybe that’s for the best.
Ross : Yeah?
Joey : Yeah. You know? You just… Look, you gotta… You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?
Phoebe : But now she’ll never know how he feels!
Joey : Maybe that’s okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you’ve been trying to for so long, maybe now that you’re on different continents.. (Looks at Phoebe) Right?
Joey : Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her.
Ross : Yeah, that’s true. Except I don’t wanna get over her.
Joey : What?
Ross : I don’t! I wanna be with her.
Joey : Really?
Ross : Yeah, I’m gonna go after her.
Joey : Yeah, you are!
Phoebe : Woo!
(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)
Phoebe : Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat!
Ross : My coat…
Joey : This is so cool!
Chandler : I have no idea what’s going on, but I am excited!
Joey : But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she’s going to say?
Ross : I don’t know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where – where is my coat?!
Phoebe : You didn’t bring one! My cab’s downstairs, I’ll drive you to the airport.
Ross : Okay, guys, wish me luck.
Phoebe : Hurry!
Joey : Good luck, good luck!
(Phoebe and Ross leave.)