[Scene: Chandler’s office in Tulsa. His assistant is showing him photographs.]
Jo Lynn : This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
Chandler : Yep. That’s a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya?
(Phone rings. Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)
Chandler : Chandler Bing.
Joey : Hey. How come you’re answering your own phone? Where’s your crazy assistant?
(She frowns. Chandler picks up the hand set.)
Chandler : What’s up Joe?
Joey : Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?
Chandler : Braid each other’s hair and ride horseback on the beach?
Joey : No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . . courtside!
Chandler : Courtside? Oh my God.
Joey : Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
Chandler : That’s so cool. I’ll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their couch as the phone rings.)
Monica : Hello?
Chandler : Joey just called. He’s got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Monica : Really? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game, we won’t have a night together for another week.
Chandler : But hey, it’s courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause) That’s not the way to convince you.
Monica : Chandler look, I don’t want to be one of those wives who says, “You can’t go to the game. You have to spend time with me.” So, if you could just realize it on your own.
Chandler : I know. You’re right. I want to see you too. I’ve just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He’s really looking forward to this.
Monica : Tell him that you haven’t seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have is precious.
Chandler : Yeah, ah, ah… I’ll think of something.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is in the living room covering Emma. Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress.]
Ross : Wow! (pause) Wow, You look… uh… It’s just, ah… That dress… uh…
Rachel : Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Ross : Well, well, they’re good. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this. You, you clean up good.
Rachel : Oh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He stares for a moment.) Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma.)
Ross : Oh right, right. (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.) So, are you, ah, you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?
Rachel : Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Ross : Oh, it’s fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
Rachel : Phoebe’s Mike?
Ross : Yeah.
Rachel : I didn’t know you guys hung out.
Ross : We don’t. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel : Oh that’s so cute: Ross and Mike’s first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about?
Ross : I don’t know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in college. He’s been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door.)
Rachel : Yeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter.)
Phoebe : Hi
Rachel : Hey.
Phoebe : (spotting Rachel’s dress) Oooh. Girl’s night out indeed.
Rachel : (to Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross…
Ross : Rach, Rach, we’ll be fine, all right? You go have fun.
Rachel : Okay. You too. And I hope you score. (to Mike) Bye.
Mike : Bye.
Ross : So . . . Welcome.
Mike : (Holds up a six pack of Foster’s Lager) I got beer.
Ross : I got bottled breast milk.
Mike : Eh, why don’t we start with the beer?
Ross : Okay. (They sit.) So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
Mike : Yeah.
Ross : You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
Mike : Ah? (pause) Do you have one here?
Ross : No.
Mike : Okay. (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
Ross : Um . . . ah . . . you know, I’m divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You’ve been divorced?
Mike : Yeah. (pause) Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t . . . I don’t really like to talk about it.
Ross : (pause) That’s okay. We’ll talk about (pause) something else. (They pause. They drink.)
Mike : So, you’re a paleontologist, right?
Ross : Yeah.
Mike : My cousin’s a paleontologist.
Ross : Ah? (Mike nods. Another pause.) Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica is wearing a sexy negligee. She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase. He sets the case by the door.)
Monica : Hi.
Chandler : Hey.
Monica : Welcome home.
Chandler : (Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.) Oh well, look at you.
Monica : Yeah. What do you think?
Chandler : Well, it looks great. It’s just that . . . well, I’m wearing the same thing underneath. So . . .
Monica : Oh.
Chandler : See what I mean. (They kiss.)
(There is a loud thud at the door.)
Joey : Hey! How come the door’s locked?
Monica : Just a second.
Chandler : (hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can’t know that I’m here.
Monica : Why not?
Chandler : Because I didn’t know how to tell him that I couldn’t go to the Knicks game. So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Monica : So, you lied to him?
Chandler : Achhh. It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you.
Joey : Hey! Open the door. What’s going on? (He knocks.)
(Monica goes to the door. Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)
Joey : What are you . .. (He sees her in her negligee.) Why are you dressed like that?
Monica : Oh, because, um . . . well, Chandler’s going to be home in a couple of days. So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction.
Joey : Oh, I thought I heard a man’s voice before.
Monica : Oh I was just doing Chandler’s side of the conversation. You know, like, “Hi, How do I look?” (As Chandler) “Really sexy. Could I BE any more turned on?”
Joey : Okay. (pause. He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.) Whoa, whoa. Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Monica : Because. . . one of them is for you.
(Monica turns to get the wine. Chandler peeps through the peephole. Joey, seeing something, peeps back. Chandler ducks. Monica returns with two glasses of wine. She gives one to Joey.)
Monica : Cheers. (She clinks his glass and pulls back.) Okay, buh-bye. (She closes the door.)
Chandler : You know, it’s funny. I’ve been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, and shows his move, but it looks really awkward.) Hi ya.
Monica : You might want to keep practicing.
Chandler : Yah.
(Chandler’s cell rings. He looks at it.)
Chandler : It’s Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe.
Joey : Dude, come home!
Chandler : What? Why?
Joey : COME HOME.
Chandler : Look I, I can’t. What’s going on?
Joey : I don’t know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monica’s cheatin’ on ya. I told you shouldn’t have married someone so much hotter than you.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other. Chandler nods.)
Joey : All right look. (He walks to the hallway.) If you can’t come home and deal with this, then I’m gonna.
Chandler : NO!
Joey : (outside the apartment door) I just heard him!
Chandler : (softly) Can you hear him now?
Joey : (listens at the door.) No. (pause) All right, I’m going in.
Chandler : No! Wait!
Joey : I heard him again!
Chandler : (writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I’m coming home.
Joey : Okay. Great. I’ll see you when you get here. I’m gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
Chandler : Is that really necessary?
Joey : Absolutely. You’d do it for me. Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle. Ross stares off to the side.]
Ross : Shouldn’t the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how long has it been?
Mike : (looking at his watch) Eleven minutes. (long pause) And now twelve. So, do you like the beer?
Ross : I do. I do. Although, it’s actually a lager.
Mike : huh. (pause) What’s the difference between beer and lager?
Ross : I don’t know. We could look it up.
Mike : (nods) Things are about to get wild.
[Scene: A bar. Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a couch.]
Phoebe : Oh God. Remember the girls’ nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Rachel : Oh God. It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe : I know. (sighs) So, what’s going on with you and Ross?
Rachel : Well, um . . . I don’t know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
Phoebe : Oh my God! I love things. What happened?
Rachel : Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.
Phoebe : Eye-contact?
Rachel : Mm-hmm.
Phoebe : I hope you were using protection.
Waiter : (with tray and two drinks) Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Rachel : Oh. (to Phoebe) Should we send them something back?
Phoebe : Oooh. Let’s do. Let’s send them mashed potatoes.
Rachel : No! Wait! No, no. Don’t do that! That’s going to make them think they can come over here.
Phoebe : So? What if they do?
Rachel : Well, we’re not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.
Phoebe : Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. We’re just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as “eye-contact.”
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the couch.]
Monica : Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you’re not in Tulsa.
Chandler : Don’t you think it’s better for him to think that you’re cheating on me, than for him to think that I’m cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking “Did you hear yourself?”) I heard it.
Monica : I don’t want him to think that I’m having an affair.
Chandler : All right. I’ve got a plan. I’ll go down the fire escape.
Monica : Yes, because all good plans start with, “I’ll go down the fire escape.”
Chandler : Hear me out woman. I’ll go down the fire escape. Then, I’ll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it’ll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there’s no guy in here.
Monica : Aren’t you afraid that Joey’s going to figure all of this out? (pause) I heard it.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
Chandler : I’m just going to wait for a little while.
Monica : Scary pigeon’s back?
Chandler : It’s huge.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. The pizza is almost done. Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth. He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink. Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the couch.]
[Scene: The bar. Two men are chatting with Rachel and Phoebe.]
Rachel : Oh my God. I can’t believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
Bill : “Spuds” is your grandmother?
Rachel : That’s my bubby!
Kevin : So, we’re on our way to a couple of parties. Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
Phoebe : Yeah. . . I’m sorry. We weren’t really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I, I have a boyfriend.
Kevin : All right. It’s no big deal.
Bill : So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?
Rachel : Oh, well, it’s complicated. I don’t actually have a boyfriend. But um. . .
Bill : Then, can I have your number?
Rachel : (pause) I’m sorry, no.
Bill : Okay. (They start to walk away.)
Rachel : Oh sure. (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.)
Phoebe : (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you’re giving your real number.
Bill : Okay, thanks. I’ll give you a call later tonight.
Rachel : Great.
Bill : Bye
Phoebe : Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that’s great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel : I don’t know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse.
Phoebe : What about Ross? What about your moment? Don’t you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel : No. No, because I know exactly how the conversation’s gonna go. “Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before.”
Rachel : (lowers voice to imitate Ross) “Yeah.” (Clears throat.) “Me too.”
Rachel : (as herself) “Well, but I’m not sure I really want to do anything about it.”
Rachel : (as Ross) “Yeah.” (Clears throat twice.) “Me neither.” (Clears throat again.)
Rachel : (as herself) “Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we’re really feeling?”
Rachel : (as Ross) “Yeah. That works for me.” (Clears throat twice more.)
Phoebe : Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Rachel : Oh, thanks.
Phoebe : But, your Rachel wasn’t whiny enough.
Rachel : (whining) Wha. . . hey!
Phoebe : Better!
Rachel : Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just move on with my life.
Phoebe : Really? You’re moving on from Ross?
Rachel : I don’t know. Do I have to decide right now?
Phoebe : Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and that’s a pretty clear message.
Rachel : Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.) Oh my God. He’s gone.
Phoebe : (imitating Rachel) “Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He’s gone.” (smiles) Dead on.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Mike are sitting on the couch. They seem really bored.]
Mike : Ya know, I’m going to take off.
Ross : So soon?
Mike : Well, yeah.
Ross : Okay. Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
Mike : Ah, you mean lager.
Ross : Ah yeah. Good times.
(Mike leaves. Ross closes the door behind him.)
Mike : (In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief. Back in the hall, Mike’s cell rings.)
Mike : Hello?
Phoebe : (calling from the bar on her cell.) Hey, Mike, it’s me. Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
Mike : Uh, no. I just left.
Phoebe : Well, you have to go back in.
Mike : Wha . . .? Go back? To the “land where time stands still”?
Phoebe : I’m so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn’t want Ross to answer the phone. So, you have to intercept all his calls.
Mike : I can’t do that!
Phoebe : (to Rachel) He says he can’t do that.
Rachel : Oh give me. (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.) Hi, Mike? Hi. Listen. I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this I . . . Phoebe will do anything you want. Seriously, I’m talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe : All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello? Hi. I’m sorry about her, but she wasn’t wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike : All right. I’ll do it. (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.) But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe : (knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike. Bye.
(Mike knocks on Ross’s door. Ross opens it.)
Mike : Hey buddy.
Ross : Uh, hi.
Mike : Um, can I come back in?
Ross : (putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.) Why? (He starts to lower his arm.)
Mike : (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Ross : (whining) But you left.
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica’s apartment. Chandler enters from the stairs. Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]
Joey : Wow! That didn’t take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler : (pause) Well, you’re forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods. Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
Monica : Chandler! You’re home!
Chandler : That’s right. You’re husband’s home. So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look. Monica gives a similar look.)
Monica : What are you saying?
Chandler : Joey said that you’re in here with another man.
Monica : There’s no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. (She slaps Chandler. Chandler gets shocked.)
Joey : All right. All right. Then, maybe you won’t mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat. Then he proceeds to their bedroom.) Bwa-ah-ah!
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
Chandler : (To Monica) What is he doing?
Monica : (smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey : (emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Chandler : All right. Well, I’ll check the guest room.
Joey : (sniffing the air and then Monica.) Why do I smell men’s cologne?
Monica : (sniffing Joey) I think that’s you.
Joey : (sniffs his shirt.) Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler : There’s nobody here Joe.
Joey : I guess not.
Monica : I can’t believe you thought I was cheating. (pointing at Joey) You own me an apology.
Joey : Yeah, right Monica. I’m so sorry.
Monica : (suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, it’s an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see ya.
Joey : (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler : (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can’t put that in the closet?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Mike is reading from a book.]
Mike : So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating isn’t it.
Ross : Maybe you should look up “fascinating.”
Mike : I’ll get it. (He lunges across Ross’s lap on the couch to reach the phone. Ross stares at him with wide eyes.) Hello? Ross’s place. Mike speaking. (pause. Hands phone to Ross) It’s for you.
Ross : (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don’t understand what just happened here.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey, Monica, and Chandler are still there.]
Joey : What’s going on?
Chandler : I’m sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn’t know . . . I didn’t think you’d understand.
Joey : What? You think I’m too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think I’m like, “Duh.” (He strikes himself in the head with the bat. He stands dazed for a moment.)
Monica : Joey?
Joey : Yeah? (His eyes bug out.)
Monica : I don’t know what to say. We shouldn’t have lied to you.
Chandler : Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey : (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn’t. But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Chandler : I’m sorry. That’s the one thing I can’t do. I promised I’d be with Monica.
Joey : All right.
Monica : (taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
Chandler : What?
Monica : You should go to the game. It’s okay. I want you to.
Chandler : Really? You’re gonna be okay?
Monica : Yeah, I’ll be fine. You know, maybe I’ll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler : You’re gonna put on sweats and clean, aren’t you?
Monica : It’s gonna be so hot! (She kisses him.)
Chandler : Okay, bye.
Monica : Have fun.
Joey : Thanks. (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall. Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.) Here’s your ticket.
Chandler : Hey, listen. I’m never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you’re stupid.
Joey : Thanks man.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
Joey : Where are you going?
Chandler : Game’s tomorrow night Joe.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel : Hi.
(Everyone exchanges greetings.)
Ross : Oh God. (He hugs Rachel)
Rachel : Oh . . .
Mike : I’m so glad you’re back. (He hugs Phoebe.)
Phoebe : Oh.
Rachel : Wow. So, what did you guys do?
Ross : Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
Mike : It’s true. I did.
Phoebe : (pause) Well, good bye.
Rachel : That was fun Pheebs.
Phoebe : I know. That was fun. (She and Mike exit.)
Rachel : See you guys. (She closes the door.)
Ross : Rachel, lock the door. Lock the door, seriously.
Rachel : Oh shoot. I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks. (She exits to the hallway and closes the door behind her.) Wait, wait. Sorry. Did he call? Did that guy call?
Mike : No. Just his mom.
Rachel : Oh, around 8:30?
Mike : Yeah.
Rachel : Then, again at 9:00?
Mike : (nods) uh-huh.
Rachel : Yeah.
(Inside the apartment the phone rings. Ross answers it.)
Ross : Hello. (listens) Ah, no, she’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (grabs a pad and pen) Bill from the bar? (writes) Okay, “Bill from the bar.” I’ll make sure she gets your number.
(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the pad. Then, he stops and re-reads it. Rachel enters.)
Rachel : Aaah. (She goes to tend Emma.)
Ross : So, ah . . . So, how was it? Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time?
Rachel : Oh, it was so much fun. It felt so good to be out.
Ross : (holds up the message) Uh, Rach.
Rachel : (still looking at Emma) Yeah?
Ross : (pauses, then crunches up the note and stuffs it in his pocket.) Never mind.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch. Ross enters.]
Ross : Hey you guys. (He sits.)
Mike : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey. I’ll be right back. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. (She rises and exits.)
(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone. They sheepishly exchange glances.)
Mike : (finally) Stout. That’s a kind of beer.
(Ross smiles slightly. Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet. He exits the coffee shop.