[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a book and Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe : Hey, Ross. I’m so glad someone’s here. Could you zip me up?
(Phoebe turns around and Ross gets surprise at the open zip.)
Ross : Sure. (Starts to zip her up.)
Phoebe : Thank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
Ross : People. (Shake his head.) So why are you so dressed up?
Phoebe : Oh, Mike’s picking me up for a date.
Ross : Oh, how’s that going? Is it getting serious?
Phoebe : Well, I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, you know, I like him. But you know, am I ready to take my Grade A loins off the meat market? I’m not quite sure.
Ross : You know, I really admire your whole dating attitude. It’s so healthy. I’m always like, “Is this moving too fast? Is this moving too slow? Where’s this going?”
Phoebe : I know. Now, you are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross : You’re so much better off. You know, you just go from guy to guy having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
Phoebe : (looks a bit confused) I wouldn’t say “never.” You know, there is that guy…. Okay, well what about… Okay, there’s gotta be someone.
Ross : There isn’t! That’s what I’m saying.
Phoebe : Oh, my god you are right.
Ross : I know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.
Phoebe : I can’t believe I never realized this before. I’m in my 30s, and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what’s wrong with me?
Ross : No, no, no, umm, there’s nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don’t strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe : I wanna get married! (Starts to cry, gets the tissues and put them on her face.)
Ross : No, please. Please don’t cry because of me. I don’t know what I’m talking about, okay? I’ve been divorced three times.
Phoebe : No at least you’ve been married. Oh, my God! I want to trade lives with Ross?!
Mike : Phoebe. (Finds Phoebe crying.) What’s wrong?
Phoebe : Nothing. I’m excited about our date. (Stops crying.) Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike…. (Starts crying again.)
Ross : Sorry. I didn’t catch that.
Mike : Mike Hanigan.
Ross : Ross Geller. (They shake hands.)
Mike : (To Phoebe) So are you sure you’re ready to go?
Phoebe : Uh-hum. (Stops crying and turns to Ross.) How do I look? (Her makeup is coming off.)
Ross : Do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe : No. (About to start crying again.)
Ross : You look great!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is reading a magazine and Monica enters.]
Monica : Hey, Joey.
Joey : Hey. (beckoning her) This girl won’t turn around. I can’t tell whether she’s hot or not. What do you think?
Monica : Joey, I am not going to objectify women with you. (Takes a look at the woman.) But, if her face is as nice as her ass… Mama!
Joey : All right. Thanks. Oh, hey. Have you talked to Chandler?
Monica : Yeah, I guess he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
Joey : How come?
Monica : I don’t know. He has to work. It’s just there’s some big rush on the… (Can’t remember the word.) Damn it. I’m gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey : Oh, hey, why don’t you fly out there and surprise him?
Monica : Maybe I will. Yeah, We’ll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
Joey : Oh, wait. You should bring your black see-through teddy with the attached garters.
Monica : How do you know I have one of those?
Joey : Didn’t until just now.
(Monica leaves and Joey starts looking at the woman he was talking about.)
Joey : Hot. Not hot. (The woman starts to leave and Joey looks at her face.) Hot!
The woman : (turning around) Excuse me?
Joey : Uh, (stands up) I said that I think you’re hot. And… now I’m embarrassed.
The woman : Oh, I thought you said “hi.”
Joey : That would’ve been better. I’ll try that. Hi, I’m Joey.
Hayley : I’m Hayley. (They shake hands.)
Joey : Look, I don’t normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther : HA!
Joey : (To Gunther) Gesundheit.
Joey : But…
Hayley : I would love to go out with you.
Joey : Really? Great. Did I..? Did I actually ask you?
Hayley : Oh, That’s just where you were going. I figured I’d help you out. You don’t seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
Gunther : HA!
Joey : (To Gunther) Seriously, Gunther. You should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse, you could die.
[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment. Phoebe and Ross are talking.]
Ross : So how’d the date go?
Phoebe : Well, it was awful. Every time I thought about what you said, I cried.
Ross : So he hasn’t called?
Phoebe : Would you call this girl: (Pretends crying.) “Thanks for… a lovely… evening”?
Ross : Now I feel terrible. It is all my fault.
Phoebe : You know what you should feel terrible about? This could’ve been my serious guy. He was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross : We are a rare breed.
[Scene: Hayley’s. Joey and Hayley enters.]
Hayley : What a great dinner.
Joey : Yeah. Hey, thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley : (Laughs) You’re welcome again. I’m gonna go make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
Joey : Do you have any cake?
(Heyley laughs and go to the kitchen and Joey looks confused.)
Joey (in his head) : So this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice. We’ve got a lot in common. (Finds a magazine on the floor.) Oh, Victoria’s Secret. We even like the same books. (Put the magazine on the floor, and looks at a painting on the wall.) Oh, there’s a scary painting. Wait a minute. I think I’ve been scared by that painting before. You know what? This whole place looks familiar. I have definitely been in this apartment. (Finds cactus next to a couch.) I know I’ve seen this weird plant before. (Touches the cactus.) Aww! It did that the last time! Oh, my god. I’ve gone out with this girl before. Yeah! We had sex on this couch! And then on that chair, and… (looks at another couch.) No. no, we didn’t do it here, which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place.
Joey : (tries to bend, and hit his hip on the cactus.) Aww! That’s why.
[Scene: Mike’s. There’s a knock, and Mike gets it. And that is Ross.]
Ross : Hey, Mike. Sorry to just drop by like this. Can I come it?
Mike : Sure. Who are you?
Ross : I’m Ross. Phoebe’s friend from the coffeehouse? (Mike remembers) I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike : Okay. (Lets Ross in.) Unless… You’re not gonna try and get me join a cult, are you?
Ross : No.
Mike : No, it’s just, you know, you have that look. (Close the door.)
Ross : (To himself) Damn Supercuts!
Mike : Well, what’s up? Is Phoebe okay?
Ross : Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Phoebe is great. But… I’m an idiot, okay? Look, right before you guys went out, I accidentally got here all upset.
Mike : Oh, that is why she was weird.
Ross : Yes. Yeah. I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship. But you should know, she is so much fun. A wonderful person. Please, don’t blow her off.
Mike : I’m not gonna blow her off. I just got off the phone with her. We’re going out tomorrow night. I mean, that’s okay with you, stranger from the coffeehouse.
Ross : Well, then, I didn’t need to bother you. You or the four other Mike Hanigans I bothered. (Starts to leave.)
Mike : Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that true what you said? Phoebe’s never had a serous relationship?
Ross : (Realize he shouldn’t have said that.) Of course she has. If she’s never had a serious relationship, do you think I’d go broadcasting it like some kind of unstoppable moron?
Mike : But you did say it.
Ross : Yes. Yes, I did. And I will also say what I’m about to say, vis-a-vis… the following. Phoebe has never had a serious relationship… since… her super-serious relationship… with… Vikram.
Mike : Vikram?
Ross : What? That’s a real name!
[Scene: Chandler’s hotel room in Tulsa. Chandler comes back from work singing.]
Chandler : (singing) Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain. And the wavin’ wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind comes right behind the rain. (Stop singing.) Stop it! Why couldn’t they have sent me to Texas? (Looks at his clock.) Seven o’clock. Maybe I’ll hit the gym. (Sits on a couch and grab the remote.) Who am I kidding? Pay-per-view porn.
(Monica shows up and is walking in the whole to look for Chandler’s room. And she finds the room and take the key out of her purse, and then notices the painting on the wall is a little tilting and fix it. Then finally she goes into the room.)
Chandler : (Gets surprised and switches the channel.) Do not disturb! Do not disturb!
Monica : (entering) Surprise!
Chandler : Monica?
Monica : Is everything all right?
Chandler : Yeah, everything’s great. I was just… watching some regular television there. Oh, what a pleasant surprise.
(They hug. Then, Monica realizes some shark movie is on TV.)
Monica : I’m gonna go freshen up, okay?
Chandler : Okay, honey. (Monica goes to the bathroom, and Chandler closes the front door.) That was close.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. Rachel is taking care of Emma. Then the phone rings and she gets it.]
Rachel : Hello.
Monica : Hey, Rach, it’s me. Okay, I just got to Chandler’s room, and I caught him… molesting himself.
Rachel : Oh, that couldn’t have been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
Monica : Yeah. Well, the weird part is he was getting off… to a shark-attack show!
Rachel : No!
Monica : Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Rachel and Monica are having conversation.]
Rachel : While watching sharks.
Monica : Yeah.
Rachel : Are you sure that was what he was doing.
Monica : Do you know how many times I’ve seen him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what he was doing.
Rachel : Man! Sharks! I always knew there was something weird about that dude. You promise to love him no matter what.
Monica : “What” means, like, if he gets a disease or kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws.
Rachel : You know what, honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can’t understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archeologist, and I was this naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica : Are you talking about my brother?
Rachel : Yeah, well, I didn’t disguise that very well, did I?
Joey : Hey.
Rachel : Hi.
Joey : Listen to this. I went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date I realized… I already slept with her.
Rachel : Basically, you’ve slept with all the women in New York, and now you’re going around again?
Joey : That’s not even the weird part. She didn’t remember sleeping with me!
Monica : You don’t remember sleeping with her.
Joey : But she should’ve remembered sleeping with me. I am very memorable! You guys know.
Rachel : How do we know? We’ve never slept with you.
Joey : And whose fault is that?
Monica : What’s the big deal? You forgot, she forgot. Maybe you were having an off night.
Joey : Hey! (Points a finger at her.) I never have an off night. Okay? Although, sometimes if I’m a little bloated, I don’t feel that sexy. But even then, I’m better than most!
Monica : Honey, why don’t you just let it go and ask her out again?
Rachel : Yeah, you’re both so slutty, you don’t remember who you slept with. You’re made for each other.
Joey : Interesting. Well, all right. Well, I’ll go out with her again and I’ll try to get past it. (Trys to take a snack in the bowl on the table.) No salt! Bloaty! (Starts to leave.)
Monica : Joey?
Joey : What?
Monica : You don’t think sharks are sexy, do you?
Joey : No. Wait a minute. Wait, what was the Little Mermaid?
[Scene: Phoebe’s. There is a knock.]
Phoebe : It’s open!
(That is Ross, and he enters.)
Ross : Hey.
Phoebe : Oh, Mike called! We’re going out again! Yeah! Yeah!
Ross : Yeah! (They jump together.) Quick thing. I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe : What? What did you…? What did you do, Ross?!
Ross : Oh, boy. You got mad at that part. I went over there, you know, to tell him how… How, God, great you are. But… Well, you know me. Blah-blah-blah. And I ended up telling that….
Phoebe : What?
Ross : You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe : What! Why?
Ross : Well, he seemed… to bum hard when I told him you’d never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe : (angry) If you hadn’t just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer… a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
Ross : Well, Phoebe, I think you’ll feel differently when you know a little bit about Vikram. Okay, he’s a… He’s a kite designer. And he used to date Oprah.
Phoebe : I’m not going along with some lie you made up, Ross. No, I’m just gonna be honest with him.
Ross : Good. Yeah, just to be honest with him.
Phoebe : Yeah, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Ross : No.
Phoebe : Oh, okay. So I haven’t been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Okay? I haven’t had a real boyfriend. You know, if he can’t handle it, he can leave. Which he will. And, you know, that’s okay. So I’ll just be alone forever. You know, all right. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. I’ll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.
(Phoebe sits, and there’s a knock.)
Ross : I’ll get it.
Phoebe : Okay.
(Ross opens the door, and that is Mike.)
Mike : (Looks a bit surprised) I’m trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren’t there. (Goes in, and finds Phoebe crying.) Phoebe, are you okay?
Phoebe : Yeah. (Stands up.) That’s… There’s just… There’s something you should know. (Pause) Vikram Just called. (Mike and Ross get stunned.)
[Scene: Hayley’s. Joey and Hayley’s are talking with glasses of wine, sitting on a couch.]
Hayley : So it was really a shock after 25 years of marriage, my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced. I took it the hardest because I was the youngest.
Joey : Sure. Yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley : What?
Joey : How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley : What! When?
Joey : I don’t know!
Hayley : I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
Joey : Come on, come on. Search your brain, all right? It was… a certain amount of time ago. I was here. You were here. We had sex here, here, here (while pointing at the each place.) Not there (pointing at the couch next to the cactus.) Anything?
Hayley : No, it’s not ringing any bells.
Joey : My God, woman! How many people have you been with not to remember this?
(Her female roommate comes in.)
Roommate : Hey, Hayley. We really gotta fix that doorknob. (Notice Joey.) Joey?
Joey : (Remembers.) Oh, (pointing at the roommate) I slept with you! And you obviously remember me! Hey, I still got it! (To Hayley) So we’re good. (Hayley looks angry.) I’ll let myself out. (Leaves.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s. Mike and Phoebe are talking on a couch.]
Phoebe : And I said, “Okay, Vikram… you can’t call every time you get lonely, you know? You gave up the right when you slept with Rachel.”
Mike : Rachel? I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe : Yeah, well…. Yeah. You know, but Emma’s birth certificate might say “Geller”… but her eyes say “Mukherjee.”
Mike : That is so wrong. And on top of that, he’s glue sniffer?
Phoebe : I know. But he calls, and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.
Mike : I think there’s somebody better out there for you. I mean, you know I’m… I’m not saying me, but…. Maybe… me. Oh, and you don’t have to worry about glue sniffing with me. Although, I do smell the occasional Magic Marker. Yeah, anyway, I just…. I think I can make you happy.
Phoebe : Okay, I can’t do this.
Mike : What’s wrong.
Phoebe : Well, there is no Vikram. Ross made him up. Because I… I… I really never have been in a long-term relationship. I’ve never lived with a guy. I’ve never even celebrated an anniversary. So…. If that’s too weird for you… and you wanna leave, I totally understand. In fact, I’ll close my eyes to make it less awkward.
(Mike kisses Phoebe.)
Phoebe : (smiling.) You kissed me.
Mike : Uh-hum.
Phoebe : So, you don’t think I’m a total freak?
Mike : No. Well…. Look can I…? Can I think you’re a little weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you?
Phoebe : I guess so. Can I think it’s cool that you kissed me, and also kiss you again? (Mike tries to kiss but Phoebe has one more thing to say.) And be a little concerned about the Magic Markers?
Mike : Oh, definitely.
(They kiss, and the phone starts to ring. Then there is a beep sound.)
Ross (on the phone) : This is Vikram.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler comes back home from Tulsa.]
Chandler : Hi, honey, I’m home.
Monica : (coming out of the bedroom.) Hi. How was your fright?
Chandler : It was great.
Monica : Why don’t you sit down. Get yourself comfortable. Because I have a little… surprise for you.
(Chandler sits on the couch, and Monica goes to the VCR.)
Chandler : Well, well, well. It must be 5:00 in Tulsa, because it’s “sex o’clock” in N.Y.C.!
Monica : (Sits next to him.) Okay. This is how much I love you. (Press a button on the remote, and some shark movie comes on the screen.)
Voice on the tape : The great white….
(Monica hugs Chandler, but he has no idea what’s going on.)
Chandler : Honey? Why am I watching bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica : (Looks at the screen.) Is this…? Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something… toothier?
Chandler : No, I’m just not sure that you got the right movie, that’s all.
Monica : Oh, this is the only one they had at our video store. Though they did have something called Crocodile Killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler : Does, what have to be always sharks?
Monica : Look, we can do something else. Do you want me to get into the tub and… thrash?
Chandler : What’s going on?
Monica : It’s okay. It’s okay. I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler : Let me be a part of this!
Monica : I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler : No, they don’t.
Monica : Then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?
Chandler : Oh, my God! When you came in, I switched the channel. I was just watching regular porn.
Monica : Really?
Chandler : Yeah. Just some good, old-fashioned, American girl-on-girl action.
Monica : Can I tell you how happy that makes me?
Chandler : You are an amazing wife. No, really you are amazing. You were actually gonna do this for me? Where do you find the strength and the understanding for something like that?
Monica : I’m very, very drunk right now.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are talking on the couch.]
Joey : Ordinarily, I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe : You know, maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about your whole dating attitude. You’re in your 30s and you have never been in a long-term relationship. Here you go from woman to woman… meaningless experience to meaningless experience. Never even worring that it doesn’t turn into something more serious.
Joey : You’re right. I love my life! (Goes over to a woman on the counter, but she looks angry and Joey comes back to the couch.) I actually did sleep with her.