[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica : Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe : Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler : Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica : Old?
Chandler : The young hot ball and chain.
Monica : That’s much better.
Rachel : (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross : Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica : We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross : Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?
Joey : No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross : (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler : What’s up?
Ross : Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler : Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross : No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler : But you’re still my friend?
Ross : Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler : During this time…are you, are you still my best man?
Ross : Nope.
Chandler : Do I still call you Ross?
Ross : Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!
Chandler : (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross : No problem.
Chandler : So are we…friends again?
Ross : Yeah.
Chandler : Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel : What ‘cha doing Mon?
Monica : I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe : What are they?
Monica : Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.
Rachel : Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!
Monica : I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey : (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?
Rachel : The commercial?
Joey : No!
Phoebe : That play?
Joey : No!
Monica : That other play?
Joey : Nooo!
Phoebe : The movie?
Joey : Yes!!
Phoebe : Ohh!
Joey : Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe : Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!
Joey : Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe : Congratulations!
Rachel : Oh that’s great!
Monica : Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!
Joey : Oh no, I’ll be done by then.
Monica : Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!
Joey : I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel : Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey : Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe : Go ahead.
Rachel : You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica : Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel : Mexico?
Phoebe : Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director : (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.
Joey : Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director : (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.
Joey : I’m doing my scenes with you?
Richard : Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey : Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard : No I didn’t.
Joey : I think you did.
Richard : I think I lost. Three times.
Joey : Uh…Cookie?
The Director : (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard : Yeah, sure.
The Director : Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!
Joey : We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard : Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey : (wiping his face) What?!
Richard : (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey : (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard : No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director : Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey : (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director : I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard : We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica : Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler : (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica : (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler : Yes, include more people in this.
Monica : Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?
Chandler : Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica : I just, I can’t believe that we made it!
Chandler : Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.
Monica : I’m sorry but…nothing.
Chandler : What?
Monica : Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.
Chandler : Honestly? Me too.
Monica : Really?
Chandler : Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica : Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler : Okay. I’ll be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica : (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica : Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler : We’re the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel : Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler : Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross : (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica : What is that?
Ross : Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe : Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler : Hi.
Mrs. Bing : Chandler!
Chandler : Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing : Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica : Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller : (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller : (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller : Jack!
Mr. Geller : What?! I’ve never seen one before!
Monica : Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller : I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!
Mr. Bing : (entering) Hello all!
Chandler : Hi…dad.
Monica : Hi Mr.…Bing.
Mr. Bing : Nora!
Mrs. Bing : Charles.
Monica : It-it’s so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing : Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing : Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler : Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller : …of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller : You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.
Ross : Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica : Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?
Rachel : Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!
Monica : He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel : Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!
Woman : I’m Amanda.
Rachel : Oh I get it! A…man…duh!
Ross : (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller : Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross : Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All : To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica : All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel : I’ll do it.
Monica : Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel : I said I’ll do it!
Monica : Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.
Rachel : Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!
Monica : Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel : Well of course that is what I’m here for!
Monica : Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel : Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey : Hey! Where have you been?
Ross : Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey : Oh.
Ross : What? Are you going back to work?
Joey : Yeah.
Ross : Nice shades.
Joey : Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?
Ross : And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey : Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross : Hey, where’s Chandler?
Joey : Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross : (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross : Hey!
Rachel : Hi!
Ross : Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel : She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?
Ross : I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel : What?!
Ross : He left that.
Rachel : (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Phoebe : (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe : Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel : Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe : Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Ross : I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe : Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!
Rachel : Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross : Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel : Okay.
Phoebe : (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross : (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard : Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)
Joey : Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard : Just the last two pages.
Joey : All right.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard : I found the picture!
(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey : Picture? What picture?
Richard : Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey : Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…
Richard : Oh, thanks.
Joey : But you’re spittin’ all over me man!
Richard : Well of course I am!
Joey : You know you’ve been spitting on me?!
Richard : That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey : (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.
Richard : Great!
Joey : Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross : Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther : No. No, I haven’t seen him.
Ross : Oh damn!
Gunther : He’s getting married tomorrow right?
Ross : Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther : I wasn’t invited.
Ross : Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller : Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller : I certainly see what the girls like coming here.
Ross : Why?!
Mrs. Geller : The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross : (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller : Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross : What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller : Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…
Ross : Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?
Mr. Geller : And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director : Action!
Richard : I found the picture!
Joey : What picture?!
Richard : The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey : You went through my personal property?
Richard : Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey : (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director : Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey : Great scene yeah?
Richard : Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey : Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director : (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey : Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director : You are now.
Joey : No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel : (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe : Oh man.
Rachel : Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe : Okay. Well there’s one down.
Monica : (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe : Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.
Monica : (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel : God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…
Phoebe : Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel : I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!
Phoebe : Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!
Rachel : I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe : Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!
Rachel : Oh!
Phoebe : No-no! I-I…I found one.
Rachel : Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel : Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe : (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel : Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!
Phoebe : Oh here’s a whole bunch.
Rachel : Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, “Oh that poor girl.” Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe : (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel : What?
Phoebe : There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.