[Scene: The Building’s Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They’re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that’s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]
Monica : (looking up) Ross, when’s this comet thing start?
Ross : Well, technically it seven billion years ago… (Well, technically you’d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)
All : (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up a leave.)
Ross : Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don’t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King.
All : Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)
Phoebe : (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing?
Chandler : (looking up with her) That’s a plane!
Phoebe : Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too.
Tag : Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.
Rachel : No. No, you can’t.
Tag : What?
Rachel : Oh I don’t-I don’t know.
Ross : Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Joey : (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder?
Ross : Huh?
Joey : Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)
[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]
Monica : Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)
Chandler : (with a quivering voice) No, I’m not!
Joey : Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket?
Chandler : Because it’s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)
Rachel : Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie.
Phoebe : Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie!
Rachel : Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.
Phoebe : Shh! Get me out of here.
Rachel : Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)
Joey : (whispering) Ross!
Ross : What?
Joey : Come here, check this out!
Ross : What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.)
Joey : No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)
Ross : Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!
Joey : (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude.
Ross : Show me where?
Joey : Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)
Ross : (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open?
Joey : (annoyed) I don’t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.
Ross : Joey!
Joey : What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!
Ross : It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Joey : (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler’s sitting in bed, wide awake.]
Chandler : (whispering) Monica!
Monica : She’s sleeping.
Chandler : I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?
Monica : Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up.
Chandler : Sorry, I just…can’t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I’m like…(Fake snores.)
Monica : It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Chandler : What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]
Phoebe : (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don’t be a space ship. Please don’t be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it’s the smoke detector that’s beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can…
Smoke Detector : Beep!
Phoebe : Don’t interrupt me!!
[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]
Ross : Rachel!! Monica!!
Joey : Come on!
(Ross gets fed up with Joey’s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)
Ross : I can’t believe this!!
Joey : All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down.
Ross : (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don’t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!!
Joey : Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)
Ross : (To Joey) I know, I wasn’t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fire escape!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
Chandler : Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I’m sorry, I thought maybe I’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.
Monica : With a wok? (Chandler’s holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.
Chandler : It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!
Monica : Here, let me make the milk, I’m up anyway.
Chandler : Hey, y’know what we can do? Y’know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. It’d be fun!
Monica : Okay that does sound like fun.
Chandler : Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?
Monica : The second sister dies?!
Chandler : (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.
Monica : The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
Chandler : That’s correct.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]
Rachel : You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable.
Tag : Sure.
Rachel : Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?
Tag : If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it’s not working.)
Rachel : No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?
Tag : What contracts?
Rachel : Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don’t get.
Tag : Like what?
Rachel : Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!
Tag : Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts!
Rachel : Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, “Must go out today,” and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem to bossy.
Tag : I’m telling you, you never gave them to me.
Rachel : Y’know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.
Tag : No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!
Rachel : Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!
Tag : You wanna go down to the office right now?
Rachel : No! Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office.
Tag : Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either.
Rachel : Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won’t budge.]
Joey : All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck.
Ross : Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey : Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Ross : Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.
Joey : What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross : Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.
Joey : (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Ross : Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?
Joey : No.
Ross : Okay. Well, you be careful.
Joey : What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg.
Ross : Well I’m jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die!
Joey : Well all right so, it looks like we’re even!
[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]
Phoebe : Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do… (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]
Monica : Okay, here’s your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)
Chandler : (startled) What? What? What?
Monica : Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I’m sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.)
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.]
Tag : Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk.
Rachel : Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got—Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.
Tag : It’s my sister.
Rachel : Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
Tag : So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
Rachel : In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, “Must go out today.” So you just keep looking in there! All right?
[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]
Tag : It’s not here.
Rachel : Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?
Tag : How could I have left them in the copy room?
Rachel : I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please.
Tag : Fine.
Rachel : Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don’t get it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.]
Monica : Are you still awake?
Chandler : Yeah! You?
Monica : You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn’t respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we’re both up…
Chandler : (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room.
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]
Joey : Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! “Do you want soup or salad?” Both! Always order both!
Ross : (looking in the window behind them) Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later.
Joey : Yeah? Really? No one’s home?
Ross : I don’t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there… (Joey nods his disapproval.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]
Phoebe : Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]
Monica : What?! What are you doing?!
Chandler : Do you know what just happened?
Monica : Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.
Chandler : No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep.
Monica : Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)
Chandler : (turning the light back on) Monica?
Monica : What?!
Chandler : I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!
Monica : Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella!
Chandler : Okay.
Monica : Give me the good stuff.
Chandler : Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don’t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn’t move as he gets out of bed and as he’s heading for the door.) And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
Monica : Okay, I’m up! I’m up!
[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, she’s returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.]
Rachel : Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh… (She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) …fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me?
Tag : Still no luck.
Rachel : Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!
Tag : Do you want me to check again?
Rachel : Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it’s not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn’t see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)
Tag : Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?
Rachel : (thinks) Y’know, I don’t-I don’t know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her should at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)
Tag : (smirking) Any luck?
Rachel : Can I see you in my office for a minute?
Tag : (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she’s still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every ‘good’ boss.) Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relived this whole thing is over.
Rachel : You put these on my desk!
Tag : I did not!
Rachel : Oh really? So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.)
Tag : How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?
Rachel : (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now.
[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector’s wail.]
Phoebe : Oh my God! How did you get back here?!
A Disembodied Voice : (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!
Phoebe : (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer—fireman, can-can I help you?
The Fireman : We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
Phoebe : That’s not mine.
The Fireman : Yes it is.
Phoebe : How do you know?
The Fireman : The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, “Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica.”
Phoebe : Okay do you—Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!
The Fireman : Please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them.
Phoebe : Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!
The Fireman : There’s a reset button under the plastic cover.
Phoebe : There’s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There’s a reset button! My God! Why didn’t I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won’t move and Ross is watching from above.]
Ross : Okay, do-do you have a good grip?
Joey : Yeah!
Ross : Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now.
Joey : All right! Just hurry up!
Ross : Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.
Joey : I think face to face.
Ross : I would say that.
Joey : Face to face, yeah!
Ross : Okay, here I go.
Joey : All right.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)
Joey : (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!
Ross : I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.
(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)
Joey : Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.
Ross : So what do you want me to do?
Joey : Well, just shimmy down me and drop!
(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.)
Ross : Hi.
Joey : Hi.
Ross : (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.
Joey : (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!
Ross : It’s still looks pretty far!
Joey : It’s not that far! Just drop!
Ross : Do not rush me!!
(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey’s legs.)
Joey : Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear!
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)
Ross : Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they’re cuddling.]
Monica : That really was some of your best work.
Chandler : Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.
Monica : I have to be up in seven minutes.
Chandler : Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes…
Monica : Really?!
Chandler : Do you wanna?
Monica : Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish!
(She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.)