[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant, continued from earlier.]
Monica : What uh—What did you—What?!
Richard : I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Monica : Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here!
Richard : Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Monica : Oh God… (Starts looking around.) Why don’t they put chairs back here?!
Richard : I know this is crazy but am I too late?
Monica : What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?!
Richard : Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
Monica : What were you doing in Africa?
Richard : Working with blind kids.
Monica : Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.
Richard : Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am.
Monica : Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait!
Richard : You are?
Monica : Yeah!
Richard : Why?
Monica : Why? Because of the government.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]
Rachel : Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married.
Phoebe : I know, they’re gonna be so happy together.
Rachel : Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe : Not that often!
Rachel : No! I’m so happy for them!
Phoebe : Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel : I’m so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe : Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
(They both take a drink of coffee.)
Rachel : I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.
Phoebe : Totally. I’m like 90/10.
Rachel : Yeah me too.
(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)
Joey : Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
Rachel : (staring at him) Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Monica : So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you?
Chandler : Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports!
Monica : Yeah, but that’s pigs not people!
Chandler : If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica : Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?
Chandler : Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never.
Monica : Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
Chandler : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?!
Monica : Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler : (to them) It’s okay, I got a plan.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]
Rachel : We’re gonna find love!
Phoebe : Definitely!
Rachel : Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe : What do you mean?
Rachel : Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe : You mean a backup?
Rachel : Exactly!
Phoebe : Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel : You do?
Phoebe : Hm-mmm.
Rachel : Who?
Phoebe : Joey.
Rachel : Joey?!
Phoebe : Yeah!
Rachel : Are you serious?!
Phoebe : Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel : Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe : Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel : Oh, seriously?
Phoebe : Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
Rachel : Charming.
Phoebe : Well hey, it’s just a backup.
Rachel : Yeah.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Joey : Hey Monica!
Monica : Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Joey : This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Monica : Yeah, it’s great.
Joey : Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain!
Monica : I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship!
Joey : Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica : It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time!
Joey : Well, you know Chandler.
Monica : No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed.
Joey : Maybe you changed?
Monica : I didn’t change!
Joey : Maybe that’s the problem.
Monica : What?!
Joey : Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Monica : Is that some kind of boat talk?
Joey : I don’t know! (All excited) I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Monica : What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing?
Joey : Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
Monica : (starts for the door) Well there’s some people who do want to marry me.
Joey : There are?
Monica : Yeah! Richard!
Joey : R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?!
Monica : That’s right.
Joey : Chandler loves marriage!!
Monica : You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be!
Joey : You got that from what I said?!
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]
Narrator : When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
Ross : What happened you guys?
(There’s a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
Ross : Rach!
Rachel : Hey you!
Ross : Hey, come on in.
Rachel : Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Ross : Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
Rachel : Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it?
Ross : I guess so.
Rachel : So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, “What’s that?!”
Ross : Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.
Rachel : Exactly.
Ross : Ohh, yeah I already have one.
Rachel : What? Who?
Ross : Phoebe.
Rachel : Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.
Ross : Ohh, I don’t think so.
Rachel : Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross : That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Joey : Where the hell have you been?!
Chandler : I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Joey : Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!
Chandler : What?!
Joey : Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!
Chandler : My—Oh my God!
Joey : I know! They suck!!
Chandler : He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that!
Joey : I know!
Chandler : Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Joey : Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler : You’re right.
Joey : Yeah!
Chandler : Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I’m gonna get the ring! I’m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I’m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I’m just going to propose!
Joey : Okay.
Chandler : Okay great.
Joey : Dude-dude-dude!
Chandler : What?!
Joey : Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.
[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, he’s smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal…]
Monica : Hi.
Richard : Hi.
Monica : I don’t know why I’m here.
Richard : I didn’t ask. You wanna come in?
Monica : I don’t know.
Richard : Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
Monica : (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Richard : (standing up quickly) Drink?
Monica : Yeah, I’ll have a scotch…
Richard : …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Monica : (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?
Richard : Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.
Monica : No that’s, that’s okay.
Richard : So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica : Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard : Oh really?
Monica : Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.
Richard : Who is it?
Monica : Edward Nevski?
Richard : Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
Monica : No.
Richard : Ahh.
Monica : But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
(Richard mouths, “Wow!”)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]
Rachel : Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
Phoebe : Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler!
Rachel : What?!
Joey : (entering) Hey!
Ross : (entering) Hey!
Joey : Phoebe! We’re both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!
Ross : Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
Phoebe : I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!
(At the same time.)
Joey : No we weren’t!
Ross : I was not!
Phoebe : Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married!
Rachel : Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one!
Joey : Pick me!!
Ross : No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid!
Phoebe : All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard!
Joey : This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
Ross : Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
(Rachel gets all happy.)
Phoebe : No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.
Rachel : Oh God, Phoebe!
Phoebe : (To Rachel) I’m talking about massages.
Rachel : Oh.
(She turns her head away and when she’s not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, “No, I’m not.” Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)
Rachel : Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I’m gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
Joey : Okay that’s fair.
Ross : All right.
Phoebe : Good!
(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)
Rachel : Pick one.
Phoebe : Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Rachel : You’re welcome.
Phoebe : (reading) Ross!
Rachel : (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.
Phoebe : Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
Joey : Yeah.
[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]
Monica : (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!
Richard : Excuse me?
Monica : Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.
Richard : Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!
Monica : I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Richard : Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
Monica : Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that!
Richard : I think that’s fair.
Monica : Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Richard : It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.
Monica : Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm…
Richard : I know. (Backs away.)
Monica : Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can…
Richard : Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I’ll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)
[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
Richard : Chandler.
Chandler : Where is she? I’m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Richard : She’s not here and please come in.
Chandler : (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Richard : Okay, she was here, but she left.
Chandler : Well where did she go?
Richard : Well she said she had to think things over.
Chandler : Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy.
Richard : Oh, hey look nothing happened.
Chandler : Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Richard : Well all right, one thing happened?
Chandler : Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Richard : Well I’m sorry.
Chandler : And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Richard : Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not.
Chandler : But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised!
Richard : Well if it helps, it worked very well.
Chandler : It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard : You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)
Chandler : Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Richard : No I don’t have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me.
Chandler : Y’know Richard…you are a good guy.
Richard : I know. (Pause) I hate that!
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
Joey : Dude!
Chandler : I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Joey : She’s gone.
Chandler : What?
Joey : She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler : What are you talking about?
Joey : She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.
Chandler : Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!
Joey : I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.
Chandler : Well where… Where did she go?
Joey : To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would.
Chandler : I can’t believe I ruined this.
Joey : I am so sorry man.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
Monica : You wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
Chandler : Oh my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)
Monica : Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!
Chandler : Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
Monica : Yes.
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Monica : I knew you were likely to take a wife!
(They hug again.)
Joey : (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!
Monica : Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Rachel : Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been!
Phoebe : Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here!
Monica : Oh…
Rachel : Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about!
Joey : Yeah!
(They all hug again.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, it’s just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton.]