[Scene: Ross and Carol’s, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross : So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find…
Carol : Ooh, actually I’ve been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross : Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone’s been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol : Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so…
Ross : Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y’know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda…
Carol : Oh, me too.
Ross : Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben’s asleep.
Carol : Oh umm, y’know I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross : Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross : Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe : Hey.
Ross : Hey, how’s it going?
Phoebe : Well, I’ve got to get out of this bed, I’m going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica : (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe : What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica : But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross : She doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler : No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe : What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler : (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross : Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe : Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Chandler : Listen Phoebe, he’s right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe : I know! But if I didn’t work there, what else would I do?
Monica : Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe : Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler : Uh, what about y’know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe : Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change—ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel : Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic!
Joey : I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You’ll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel : Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey : (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you—ready for a refill?
Rachel : Oh, I probably shouldn’t—so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It’s like it’s raining!
Joey : Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong.
Rachel : Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey : It’s uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel : Okay. (Starts to go.) God y’know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani’s apartment…
Joey : Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it?
Rachel : Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica : I hope you’re hungry, we’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?
Dr. Roger : They have parasites?
Monica : No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger : What people?
Monica : People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger : So oysters, huh?
Monica : And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger : Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases…
Monica : No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!
Dr. Roger : Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay!
Monica : Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger : I’m sorry sweetie, it’s the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica : I can’t promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol’s, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross : We’re really gonna do this, huh?
Carol : Looks like it.
Ross : Y’know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at… (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol : (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross : Okay.
Carol : (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who’d you think it was gonna be?)
Susan : Hey! (They hug.)
Carol : Thank you so much for coming.
Susan : Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross : I’m-I’m Ross by the way.
Susan : (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you’ve done with this space.
Carol : Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan’s coat.)
Ross : How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica’s dinner.]
Chandler : I’m sorry you’re here with me instead of Roger.
Monica : Yeah, me too.
Chandler : Well, I could make it seem like he’s here. (Imitates him.) “Here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn’t add the second cous until 1979.” (Mumbles something further.)
Monica : Stop it!! That’s not funny!!
Chandler : Okay.
Monica : I’m sorry, okay? It just—tonight was supposed to be y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler : What was tonight?
Monica : You don’t want to know what tonight was.
Chandler : Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica : Well, tonight was—was going to be my first time.
Chandler : With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica : All right relax Mr. I’ve Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler : Four different women! I’ve had sex way more times!
Monica : How many?
Chandler : Nine.
Monica : I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler : Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica : No. He’s not a horrible guy.
Chandler : Hey that’s what I tell girls about me.
Monica : Chandler, I’m gonna die a virgin!
Chandler : No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica : Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler : Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Monica : I was kidding.
Chandler : So was I.
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel : Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey : Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel : Wow! Tell me something Joey—(She falls off the couch)—Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey : Yeah you did.
Rachel : Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey : Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel : Yeah?
Joey : When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel : Wow! I can’t, I can’t feel my hands.
Joey : Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler : We can’t do this.
Monica : No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler : Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y’know? Because you’ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn’t want to disappoint you.
Monica : Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you’re horrible, how would I know?
Chandler : I do like that.
Monica : It’s harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler : Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica : Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler : Stop it! We’re doing this! Let’s do it!
Monica : Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler : Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica : Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler : I have some moves.
Monica : I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin’ there?! (Giggles.) Oh y’know what? I’m sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler : Yeah, let’s just forget it.
Monica : What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Chandler : Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler : Oh yeah.
Monica : Chandler?
Chandler : (sexily) Yeah?
Monica : That’s the couch.
[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler : Oh my God!
Monica : I know! I’ll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler : Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey : (entering) Morning!
Rachel : (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Joey : Yeah.
Rachel : (groans) Oh God. Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey : Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel : Noo! Oh God we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh…
Joey : No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel : God I’m just a horrible person.
Joey : Wh-why?
Rachel : Because I’m married. That’s right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star’s apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey : That’s ridiculous! I’m not a “Star,” just a regular famous actor.
Rachel : Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person.
Joey : Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me…
Rachel : The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey : Wow! Uh okay, well uh… (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel : (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey : Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel : No! No-no-no…
Joey : Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for.
Rachel : But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her brother.
Joey : Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel : Yeah!
[Scene: Phoebe’s hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross : Hey!
Joey : Hey!
Ross : Look at you! You’re up!
Joey : All right!
Phoebe : I thought I’d try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I’ll be back soon.
Joey : Whoa-whoa-whoa! You’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe : No. I’ve learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when she’s there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe : Let’s go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who’s holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross : Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey : (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol’s great and I’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but I….
Ross : No! The reason I’m asking is that… I sorta had one last night.
Joey : You?
Ross : Yeah!
Joey : Wow!
Ross : Yeah!
Joey : All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross : It was, it was okay.
Joey : Just okay—Did you do it right?!
Ross : Look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think, “Would really anyone miss me if I weren’t here?”
Joey : Huh. But still Ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y’know what I mean?
Ross : Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross : It’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey : But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross : Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey : Not the other one?
Ross : No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey : Yeah, you don’t want that.
Ross : No!
Joey : Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross : Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey : You got a little bored?
Ross : A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey : Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross : Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard…
Joey : Sounds good.
Ross : It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler : Hey!
Monica : Hey!
Chandler : Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica : Hey, check me out, I’m a slut!
Chandler : So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica : Oh I can’t. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler : Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you’re still seeing him and uh, he’s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when… (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica : Are you okay?
Chandler : Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica : Great! It’s so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I’m all like, “Can the doctor see me now?”
Chandler : I bet he can.
Monica : Y’know, I don’t have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you’re okay?
Chandler : Oh yeah! Yeah! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel : Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry : You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel : Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Phoebe’s office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she’s been fired.]
Phoebe : Surprise! Look who’s back!
Arthur : Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe : Hey!
Arthur : (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn’t you get fired?
Phoebe : Uh, I don’t think so!
Jack : Phoebe?
Phoebe : Jack!! Hey!
Jack : What are you doing here?
Phoebe : All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack : Well, you were fired.
Phoebe : Nu-uh!
Jack : I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe : Oh, okay I didn’t get that message. So this doesn’t count—Anyway, I’ll be in my office.
Jack : Uh, Phoebe you-you don’t have an office.
Phoebe : That’s all right, I’ll work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack : (approaches her) Phoebe, listen…
Phoebe : You’re in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake…
Jack : You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe : Oh, so this is all about money! Y’know it’s bad enough that—Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack : Are you all right?
Phoebe : I’m having another heart attack!
Jack : What?!
Phoebe : I’m having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack : Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe : (to Arthur, he’s the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Woman : Hey Pheebs! How’s it going?!
Phoebe : Well, they fired me and I’m having heart attack.
Woman : Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe : Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel : Hi Ross!
Ross : Hey Rachel.
Rachel : Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross : Umm, no.
Rachel : Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross : That-that’s always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel : Me? I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good!! But, you know who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?!
Ross : Yeah.
Rachel : Sit down!
Ross : Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel : Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we’re going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?!
Ross : We’re sorry.
Rachel : No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross : Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s?
Rachel : Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross : Look I-I don’t know what’s going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel : Oh. (Doesn’t believe it.)
Ross : Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel : Who are these men?
Ross : Men. I guy I know.
Rachel : Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross : She is not… (Realizes) She’s gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can’t believe this.
Rachel : Good day for married people huh?
Ross : I’m sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel : I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great either.
Ross : Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe’s, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler : (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Monica : Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler : Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica : What?!
Chandler : I’m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica : Why would you do that?
Chandler : Because you shouldn’t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica : Really?
Chandler : Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don’t just happen. Y’know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y’know I was just lying there and I couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y’know with a friend.
Monica : Chandler!
Chandler : I know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know because I make too many jokes and I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I’m not technically a “doctor…”
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica : There was just one woman, wasn’t there?
Chandler : No, there were two.
Monica : Including me?
Chandler : Oh yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe : (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see…
One of them won’t do it, but the second one will set you free…
Tell all your hate and anger, it’s time to say good-bye…
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la…