[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]
Monica : Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)
Chandler : Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica.
[Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]
Monica : Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check!
Rachel : Who are you saying “check” too?
Monica : Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realised it was weird.
Phoebe : Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird.
Ross : (entering) Hey!
Monica : Hey!
Ross : Hey! Are you ready yet?
Monica : Yep! You got the tickets?
Ross : Oh! Got ‘em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!
[Cut to the guys’ apartment.]
Joey : It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.)
Chandler : You got your passport?
Joey : Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that.
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
Joey : Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)
Chandler : There it is.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.]
Monica : Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…
Phoebe : Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff?
Monica : Yeah, okay, give that a try!
Chandler : (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it!
Joey : Woo-hoo!!
Ross : Yeah, cheerie-o!
Joey : London baby!
Chandler : Okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying.
Joey : (louder) London baby!!
Chandler : Hey, y’know what? I was wrong.
Ross : Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going!
Phoebe : Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t—can’t get up.
Ross : Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you.
Phoebe : Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?
Ross : Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)
Phoebe : Oh, have a great wedding!
Ross : Thanks.
Phoebe : Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!
Chandler : Hey! (Trots over)
Phoebe : Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.
Chandler : Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)
Ross : (to Rachel) So, we’re off.
Rachel : Have fun!
Ross : Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there!
Rachel : Oh, I know.
Ross : So-so come! Why don’t you come?
Rachel : What?!
Ross : To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me.
Rachel : Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry.
Ross : Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off?
Rachel : Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t.
Ross : This is my wedding.
Monica : All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!!
Ross : Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.
Chandler : (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.
Phoebe : (laughs) Thank you.
(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.
Phoebe : Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)
Ross : All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs!
Joey : Bye, Pheebs!
(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says “bye.” In the hall, Joey says…)
Joey : London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)
Phoebe : Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything!
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]
Joey : Come on! Do something!
Chandler : I am, I’m ignoring you.
Joey : Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his “pop-up” map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)
Chandler : Oh, what the hell is that?
Joey : It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)
Chandler : Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!
Joey : I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.
Chandler : Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?
Joey : Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.)
[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]
Emily : …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be…
Ross : Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay?
Emily : Well, up yours too!
Ross : What?! No! No! That’s-that’s time-out!
Emily : Sorry.
Ross : Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.
Monica : Chicken Kiev?
Ross : Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute?
Monica : Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married!
Ross : Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here.
Emily : I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!
Monica : It’s nice.
Emily : Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)
[Cut to inside.]
Emily : (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?
Ross : It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right.
Emily : How’s it gonna be all right?!
Ross : Uh-huh, I see that.
Monica : (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.
Ross : What? What?
Monica : They torn it down a few days early.
[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]
Joey : All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler : I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey : Really? To what?
Chandler : To Put the Camera Away!!!
Joey : Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe : Oh. Oh.
Rachel : Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need?
Phoebe : Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel : Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe : Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel : Okay, that is all you.
Phoebe : So-so, what do you want for lunch?
Rachel : Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat.
Phoebe : Yeah, I do. What’s the matter?
Rachel : I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.
Phoebe : Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married…
Rachel : (interrupting) Still in love with?!
Phoebe : Yeah!
Rachel : I’m not in love with Ross!
Phoebe : Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.
Rachel : Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him—Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!!
Phoebe : We thought you knew!
Rachel : We?!
Phoebe : Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!
Rachel : You all know? Does Ross know?
Phoebe : Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything.
Rachel : Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me!
Phoebe : Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, “Hey, you like things clean.”
[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]
Joey : Hey!
The Vendor : So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards…
Joey : Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think?
Chandler : Well, I don’t have to buy that, “I’m with stupid” T-shirt anymore.
Joey : Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)
Chandler : All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?
Joey : Oh, I embarrass you?
Chandler : How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you?
The Vendor : He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!
Chandler : Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?
The Vendor : (looks around) They’re all tourists.
Chandler : All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey : Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.
The Vendor : Good choice.
Joey : Thanks.
Chandler : Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
[Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.]
Emily : Hello?
Ross : Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding.
Emily : We don’t have to.
Ross : Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
Emily : No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.
Ross : She said what?
Emily : She said, “If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it.”
Ross : Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right.
Emily : I realise that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right.
Ross : I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)
Emily : Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about.
Ross : The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married.
Emily : So what are you saying? It’s now or never?
Ross : No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)
Emily : Or?
Ross : There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!
Emily : It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross : (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please—(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]
Phoebe : Hey!
Rachel : (depressed) Hi.
Phoebe : So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?
Rachel : Manhattan does not have enough stores.
Phoebe : Well, I think I can help you get over him.
Rachel : You can?
Phoebe : Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.
Rachel : Um-hmm.
Phoebe : And a small piece of chocolate.
Rachel : Okay.
Phoebe : And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)
Rachel : Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?
Phoebe : Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.
Rachel : I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.
Phoebe : Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! Hah?
Rachel : I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.
Phoebe : Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy.
Rachel : Okay.
Phoebe : Okay?
Rachel : All right.
Phoebe : So uh, now look at the picture…
Rachel : Okay.
Phoebe : All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)
Rachel : Ow!
Phoebe : Okay, how do you feel now?
Rachel : Well, I like you less!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.]
Joey : Hey.
Chandler : Hey. (He nods at the hat.)
Joey : Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!
Chandler : No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day.
Joey : Me too.
Chandler : Yeah?
Joey : Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out!
Monica : (entering) Hey!
Joey : Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)
[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]
Joey : (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.
Fergie : (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?
Joey : (on tape) Oh, Chandler.
Fergie : Hi Chandler! (Waves)
Chandler : That’s… That’s was…
Monica : Oh my God!
Joey : That’s Fergie baby!!
Fergie : Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing.
Chandler : How did you? How? How?
Joey : Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey!
Monica : Hey!
Ross : Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.
Monica : (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!
Ross : Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!
Monica : Umm…
Chandler : I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey : Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)
Ross : Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all?
Monica : She said that?!
Ross : Yeah.
Monica : Why?!
Ross : I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.
Monica : Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am!
Ross : Excuse me?
Monica : Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?
Ross : I don’t know. A month?
Monica : Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.
Ross : I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.
Monica : Sometimes we were.
Ross : Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?
Monica : Okay.
Ross : Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)
Chandler : That was pretty intense huh?
Joey : Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!
Chandler : (glares at him) I hope he did!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the phone rings and Phoebe answers it.]
Phoebe : Hello.
Joey : (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey!
Phoebe : Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.
Joey : That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?
Phoebe : Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?
Joey : Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun.
Phoebe : So you’re not homesick yet?
Joey : No, I don’t think so.
Phoebe : All right, the seven of us miss you.
Joey : Who’s seven?
Phoebe : Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies…
Joey : Ahh, the babies miss me?
(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.)
Phoebe : Ooh, the pizza guy’s here!
Joey : What? You ordered pizza without me?!
Phoebe : Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special.
Joey : Two pizzas?!
Phoebe : Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.
Joey : Wait, well, where did you get it from?!
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
[Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Emily : Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!
Monica : You’ll see.
Emily : I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)
Emily : Oh God.
Ross : Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles…
Monica : And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go.
Ross : But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want.
Emily : It’s perfect.
Ross : And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain…
Emily : Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.)
Monica : Ohh. And I don’t even have a date.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is in her bedroom.]
Rachel : Pheebs?
Phoebe : Yeah?
Rachel : Do you remember where the duck food is?
Phoebe : Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why?
Rachel : (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London.
Phoebe : What?! What do you mean you’re going to London?
Rachel : Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)
Phoebe : I—Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily!
Rachel : Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.
Phoebe : That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, “Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy.”
Rachel : Ohh—Do you think he will?!
Phoebe : No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over.
Rachel : Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, “I do.” (Exits)
Phoebe : I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.