[Scene: Central Perk, open mic night, Ross is at the small table, Chandler is sitting on a barstool that he has pulled beside the couch, Phoebe, Monica and Joey are sitting on the couch watching LESLIE performing]
Leslie : (singing) Cuz everytime I see your face, I can’t help but fall from grace …
Joey : Wow. This girl’s good.
Phoebe : (sarcastically) Ho ho, yeah – a song with rhyming words – ooo, I never thought of that before!
Chandler : (to Phoebe) I like her.
Phoebe : Why? ‘Cuz she can sing *and* play guitar *and* do both at the same time?
Chandler : Well, that’s … pretty much all I’m looking for from these people.
Monica : (to Phoebe) Look at you, all jealous.
Ross : Yeah, Pheebs, c’mon – you two have completely different styles, y’know? She’s more (makes excited motions with his hands) … y’know, and … ‘n you’re more … (tries in vain to come up with some gesture to illustrate Phoebe’s “different style”, he wilts under Phoebe’s icy glare)
Leslie : (finishing her song) … please always stay beside me – eee. (everyone applauds except Phoebe)
Phoebe : Okay? See? See? Everybody else is happy she’s done.
Leslie : Okay, my next song’s called, (looks at Phoebe) “Phoebe Buffay, what can I say, I really loved when we were singin’ partners and I shouldn’t’ve left you that way”.
Phoebe : (as everybody looks to her for a reaction) Ohh, no … one of those “look for the hidden meaning” songs.
[Scene: same, LESLIE is done with her set, and she approaches Joey’s side of the couch]
Leslie : Hey Phoebe.
Phoebe : Hey Leslie. How’d you know I’d be here?
Leslie : I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here alot, so, ummm …
Chandler : Alright, listen – I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again, I’d like to know whether that’s several big fish, or just one big fish. (goes to the back)
Joey : So, uh, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Phoebe : Actually, I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Joey : Uh, a- anything we might’ve heard of?
Leslie : Uh, yeah, ummm … (singing) “Home is never far away …” (Ross, Joey and Monica recognize the jingle and join in)
Leslie, Ross, Joey and Monica : “… Home is Home Star Stew”
Leslie : Yeah, but I don’t do that anymore … I- I got kind of sick of it and then … I couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Phoebe : (without emotion) Mmm, bummer.
Leslie : (cRossing to Phoebe’s side of the couch) Well, I – y’know, I was just – ummm, I was just thinking, and just hopin’ that … mmm … maybe you’d wanna get back together? (sticking her finger up, like an old secret hand signal between friends)
Phoebe : (without emotion) No, but thanks.
Leslie : Aww c’mon Phoebe, wouldja just think about it?
Phoebe : Okay. (pauses 1 second, then, same as before) No, but thanks.
Leslie : OK. Uh, see ya Pheebs. (she leaves with her guitar)
Joey : (to Phoebe) Wow. That was kind of brutal.
Phoebe : Well, okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, alright? Once you, once you betray me, I become, like, the “Ice Woman”, y’know? I’m just … very cold, hard, unyielding, y’know, nothing, NOTHING can penetrate this icy exterior … (to Monica) can I have a tissue please?
Monica : Oh, yes.
[Scene: Central Perk, in front of the men’s room, Chandler is pacing, GUNTHER appears behind Chandler]
Gunther : Someone in there?
Chandler : No. This is just part of a daredevil game that I play called “Wait Until The Last Moment Before I Burst And Die”. (GUNTHER leaves, and someone comes out of the restroom, and Chandler addresses the person impatiently) Jeez, man, did you fall … (then, noticing it’s Ginger, an attractive girl) Hi! (then, in a polite sounding coverup effort) … So, uh, didja … di- di- did you fall hi?
Ginger : Someone was in the ladies room, I couldn’t wait. I left the lid up for you, though. (as Chandler chuckles, GUNTHER returns)
Chandler : Y’know what, uh, Gunther, ehh go, uh, go ‘head, I’m, I’m talking to, uh … (to Ginger) this is the part where you say your name.
Ginger : Ginger.
Chandler : Ginger, I’m talking to Ginger, so … (GUNTHER enters the bathroom and the door swings shut)
Ginger : Don’t you have to use the bathroom?
Chandler : Nope. Nope, I just, uh, I’d rather, uh, talk to you and … (after re-evaluating) yes I do. Yes I *do* have to go to the bathroom, heh heh. (knocks on bathroom door)
Gunther : (from behind the door) Someone in here.
Phoebe : Where’s Chandler?
Joey : Oh, he can’t make it, he said he had to go back to his, uh, job and do, uh, (sees Ginger walking his way) wwuuh-oh! (he ducks behind the coat rack)
Ginger : Joey? Joey Tribbiani. (as she moves nearer, he swings around, using the coat rack as a shield) Joey, I can see you, okay? You’re hiding behind the coats? (Joey shushes the already-silent Ross and Phoebe to make sure they don’t “give him away”, Ginger glances sideways in disgust at Monica before leaving)
Joey : Haahhh – close one. Heh!
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, MARK is packing his things, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Ross enters]
Ross : Hi!
Rachel : Hi, sweetie.
Ross : Hello! (he kisses Rachel)
Mark : (to Ross) Hey, Ross.
Ross : (over his shoulder) Uh-huh.
Rachel : I’ve got some bad news.
Ross : What?
Rachel : I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I’m gonna have to come back up here.
Ross : C’mon sweetie, you’ve had to work late every night for the past two weeks. What is it this time?
Mark : Uh, actually, it’s kind of my fault, I- I quit today.
Ross : (perking up, to Rachel) … but work comes first. (turning, to MARK with almost mock sadness) Oh, hey, but that’s sad about you, though. What happened? What happened? Burnout? Burn all out, didja?
Rachel : No, he’s leaving for a better job.
Ross : Oh, well that’s great, so I guess this is uh, this is “goodbye” then, huh? Goodbye. (throws pad in his box and chuckles to himself)
Mark : Okay then.
Ross : Okay.
Rachel : Well, well we’re gonna miss you around here!
Mark : Yeah, me too. (Rachel goes to hug MARK goodbye, but Ross continues holding Rachel’s right hand, thus keeping the embrace from getting too personal) So, see ya on Saturday.
Rachel : Yeah, you bet. (as Ross looks stunned, Rachel leads him out of the room forcefully by the hand)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe and Monica are using a Ouija Board at the kitchen table when Phoebe’s pager goes off, startling Monica]
Phoebe : (after checking the number displayed on the pager) Uchhh! (Phoebe gets up and puts the pager in a pot on the stovetop, puts a lid on the pot and puts the pot in the oven and returns to the table)
Monica : N- you know those are a delicacy in India.
Phoebe : Yah, that was Leslie, calling again to see if we can get back together. It’s like the twentieth time today (over her shoulder to the pager) yah, good luck, Leslie.
Monica : Wow. She musta hurt you pretty bad, huh?
Phoebe : Well, yah! Y’know, we were best friends. Ever since we were little – our moms worked on the barge together.
Monica : Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge!
Phoebe : (stern) You NEVER run on a barge.
Joey : (entering) Hey!
Monica : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey.
Joey : Is, uh, is Chandler around?
Monica : Nope, ummm, he met some girl at the coffeehouse.
Joey : Oooo!
Monica : Yeah, Ginger-something.
Joey : (with dread) Nooo. No, no! Uh, are you sure it wasn’t something that *sounded* like Ginger, like, uh, uh, “Gingeer”?
Monica : No, it was Ginger. (laughs to herself) I remember because when he told me, I said (singing, from Ginger’s line in the “Gilligan’s Island” theme) “the movie star”.
Joey : Oh, man! That’s the girl I was hidin’ from. When she finds out he’s my roommate, she’s gonna tell him what I did.
Monica : Why, what did you do?
Joey : Ho, whoa, ho, no, no, I can’t … (sits down on the couch) I can’t tell you that – it’s, like, the most awful, horrible thing I’ve ever done in my whole life!
Monica : Y’know what? Don’t tell us. We’ll just wait ’til Chandler gets home, because it-, it’ll be more fun that way.
Joey : Alright!
Monica : Okay. (she and Phoebe kneel behind the couch)
Joey : (exhales, exasperated) Okay – it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then, this one weekend, we went up to her dad’s cabin. Just me, her and … (annoyed) her annoying little dog, Pepper – hehhh. Well, that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner …
Monica : (standing up, interrupting) You gave her food poisoning!
Joey : I wish! After dinner, me, her and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw that the fire was dyin’ out, so … I picked up a log and threw it on … or at least what I thought was a log.
Phoebe : (standing up, interrupting) Oh my god! You threw Pepper on the fire!
Joey : I wish! See, I guess another thing I … probably shoulda toldja about Ginger is that she kinda has a, uh … artificial leg.
Monica : (she and Phoebe stand simultaneously, covering their mouths) Oh my god! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
Joey : I ran!
[Scene: exterior of a building at night, Chandler and Ginger are kissing by a lamppost]
Chandler : Well. That’s the best kiss I’ve had with anybody I met in a men’s room.
Ginger : (laughing) Actually, me too.
Chandler : (noticing Ginger has one foot in an icy puddle) Oh! Foot in the puddle. Foot all in the puddle.
Ginger : Oh, damn. I hate that.
Chandler : Yeah – we’re gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Ginger : Oh, don’t worry about it.
Chandler : No, really, y- you’re gonna freeze.
Ginger : No, I’m not, um …
Chandler : Hah – you’re not? What are you, whadda you got, a bionic foot?
Ginger : (looking hopeful) Someday, maybe.
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is joining Ross in bed who is reading a book and laughing]
Rachel : Funny book?
Ross : Hm? Oh, no, no, I’m just thinkin’ about somethin’ funny I heard today. (laughs) Um, Mar-, Mark saying, “I’ll see you Saturday”.
Rachel : Yah, at the lecture.
Ross : Hm?
Rachel : I told you that last week, you said you didn’t mind.
Ross : Oh, no-no-no, it’s, it’s not the lecture … uh, I mind, ummm (laughs)
Rachel : Ughh, please tell me it’s not ‘cuz I’m going with Mark.
Ross : (after a pause) Well …
Rachel : (sensing the tone, in disbelief) Oh my god, Ross!
Ross : Well, I’m sorry, but I- … look if you’re not workin’ with him anymore, I- why do you still have to do stuff with him?
Rachel : Because he’s my friend.
Ross : Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean …
Rachel : Okay, well, (with heavy sarcasm) if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Ross : Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
Rachel : I don’t know, you thought “see you Saturday” was funny. Look, honey, Mark is in fashion, okay? I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me …
Ross : P’haaaa! I would love to go with you.
Rachel : Really?
Ross : Yah! Hey, I- I have clothes. I even pick them out. I mean, for, for all you know, I could be a fashion … monger.
Rachel : Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross starts to look despondent) What?
Ross : What should I wear? Now I’m all nervous.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe is in the kitchen with her beeper in the covered pot on the kitchen table in front of her. She opens the lid and checks the beeper, shaking it as if it doesn’t work, then puts it back, as Monica enters from the bathroom]
Monica : You know they say a watched pot … never beeps.
Phoebe : It’s y’know … (clears her throat) it’s been a couple hours, and … she hasn’t called … not that I even care, so …
Monica : Phoebe, why don’t you just call her? You obviously want to.
Phoebe : You think you know me so well.
Monica : Well, dontcha wanna?
Phoebe : Yeah.
Monica : Okay, so I do know you.
Phoebe : That’s what I said.
Monica : Well, so?
Phoebe : I can’t. I can’t. She dumped me! I mean, I totally trusted her and then, one day, it was like, “okay, bye Pheebs” heh-heh, gone! Y’know what the saddest part is? When we were playing together, that was like the most fun I’ve ever had, in, like, all my lives.
[Scene: Central Perk, LESLIE is playing solo]
Leslie : (singing) My favorite shoes, so good to me, I wear them every day,
Down at the heel, holes in the toes, don’t care what people say,
My feet’s best friend, pals ’til the end, with them I’m one hot chickee,
Though late one night, not much light, I …
Phoebe : (entering suddenly) I stepped in something icky. (LESLIE lights up and continues with the chorus)
Leslie and Phoebe : “Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile,
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll … avoid the … pile!”
[Scene: Rachel’s fashion lecture, many are listening attentively, Rachel is taking notes, Ross is bored silly]
Lecturer : We’re beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colors. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink …
Ross : I’m really glad we came (she gives him a smile and returns to her notes) … you’re so pretty (another smile) … I love you. (after a smile, she puts her left hand over Ross’s mouth while she continues taking notes with her right hand)
[Scene: Central Perk, LESLIE and Phoebe are sitting on the couch, Phoebe is showing LESLIE some of her tunes]
Phoebe : (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you,
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.
Leslie : Phew! Wow, that’s great!
Phoebe : Oh yeah?
Leslie : (excited, as she hops up to the arm of the couch) Y’know, you could totally sell this! It’d be perfect for like, um, a kitty litter campaign!
Phoebe : I-, a jingle? No, no-no-no, no …
Leslie : W- why not? You make a ton of money!
Phoebe : Okay, w- if I was in this for the money, I would be a millionaire by now, y’know? Yeah, you just gotta get out of that jingle-head, sweetie.
Leslie : Ahhh! You’re right. You’re right! I’m sorry. (sits back down on the couch)
Phoebe : That’s okay.
Leslie : Okay.
Phoebe : Alright, I’m gonna play a song now that’s really, really sad.
Leslie : ‘kay.
Phoebe : Okay? It’s called “Magician Box Mix-up”. (Phoebe flips her guitar so she can play it upside down)
[Scene: Rachel’s fashion lecture, Rachel continues taking notes, Ross is asleep and leaning on Rachel’s side]
Lecturer : … oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general is very popular now … (Ross awakens suddenly, drawing in a deep breath and making a tiny squealing sound – this draws the attention and laughter of many of the other attendees, to the embarrassment of Rachel, Ross laughs to himself until he meets Rachel’s glare)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Chandler is at the counter, reading a newspaper as Monica enters]
Monica : Hi!
Chandler : Hey.
Monica : Oh, can I borrow this? My milk’s gone bad.
Chandler : Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half-and-half. Stole my car.
Monica : So, um … how was your date with Ginger?
Chandler : (reacting unsteadily) Great. (clears his throat, gets up and cRosses to the fussball table to get another newspaper) It was great, she’s, uh, she’s great, great looking, great personality, she’s greatness.
Monica : Sounds like she’s got the, uh … whole package.
Chandler : Joey told you about the leg, huh?
Monica : Uh-huh.
Chandler : Oh god. It freaked me out, okay? I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I mean, I like her, I don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like, “hey, y’know what? Where’s your leg?” I mean, I’m the smallest person in the world, aren’t I? I’m the smallest person in the world.
Joey : (entering, in a robe) Morning.
Chandler : Actually, *he’s* the smallest person in the world.
Joey : (to Chandler) Heard about the leg-burnin’, huh?
Chandler : It came up.
Joey : Listen, I uh, I know it’s a long shot, but, by any chance did she find that funny? (Chandler and Monica both leave, disgusted, the speed of their departures surprises Joey)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Ross and Rachel are returning from the lecture]
Ross : So I nodded off a little.
Rachel : “Nodded off”? Ross, you were snoring! My father’s boat didn’t make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Ross : C’mon, forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes – the man talked about strappy-backed dresses!
Rachel : Well, okay, how about four hours in a *freezing* museum auditorium, listening to Professor Pit-Stains and his “hey everybody, remember that thing that’s been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here’s a little bone we didn’t know it had!”
Ross : First of all, it’s “Professor Pittane”, and second of all, that little bone proved that that particular dinosaur had wings (sticks out his arms like wings) but didn’t fly. (abruptly puts his arms down at his sides)
Rachel : OK, see now, what I just heard: blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah BLAH blah blah! (sticks out her arms, then abruptly puts her arms down at her sides)
Ross : You know what, a hundred million people went to see a movie about what *I* do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called “Jurassic Parka”.
Rachel : Oh, that is so …
Ross : No-no-no, a bunch of out of control *jackets* take over an island (Ross makes an otherworldly sound and begins taking off his overcoat in a way that makes him look like he is struggling for his life, and he throws the overcoat on the couch when he is done and watches it carefully for a moment)
Rachel : Y’know, if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn’t go with Mark?
Ross : No. I – I wanted to be with you. I dunno, I feel like, lately, I feel like you’re slippin’ away from me, y’know? With this new job, and all these new people, and – got this whole other life goin’ on, and I – I know it’s dumb, but I- I just hate that I’m not a part of it.
Rachel : (softening up) That’s not dumb. But maybe it’s okay that you’re not a part of it. You know what I mean? I mean, it’s like I – I like that you’re not involved in that part of my life.
Ross : (sarcastically) That’s a little clearer.
Rachel : Honey, see, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, because I do, I love you, I love you so much. But my work, it’s – it’s for me, y’know? I’m out there, on my own, and I’m doing it, and it’s scary, but I love it, because it’s mine. I – but I mean is that okay?
Ross : Sure. (laughs and embraces Rachel, but appears to mouth the word “NO” behind her back)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Ginger and Chandler are silently eating Chinese food]
Ginger : You’re thinking about my leg, aren’t you.
Chandler : No. No, actually, I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
Ginger : (getting up from the table) Look, it’s okay if it bothers you. Really, I mean the only thing I need to know is *how* much it bothers you, ‘cuz I don’t like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?
Chandler : No, no, I don’t think so.
Ginger : Good. It’s just like anything else – you just have to get used to it. (they start to smooch and loosen their clothes as they sit on one of the recliners, suddenly Ginger stops with her hand on Chandler’s chest) What’s that?
Chandler : That’s, that’s my nubbin.
Ginger : What’s a nubbin?
Chandler : (clears his throat) It’s kind of a, uh … a third nipple kind of thing.
Ginger : Do you have three nipples?
Chandler : Well, y’know, two regulars … (clears his throat) and, uh, one that barely qualifies as a … (Chandler goes to resume the kissing, but Ginger pulls away and gets up from the chair, as Chandler becomes nervous) Uh, what?
Ginger : (gathering her things and putting on her coat) Nothing, y’know, I – I just remembered I have to leave.
Chandler : You, uh, you have (laughs) you have to leave, now? How come?
Ginger : Oh, well, it’s nubbin (quickly correcting herself) NOTHING, um … y’know what, I’m, I’m, I’ll see you later, okay. (Ginger walks out of the apartment and shuts the door on a disoriented Chandler, and as soon as the door is shut, she shivers and reacts, gRossed out at the thought of Chandler’s nubbin)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on stage and LESLIE joins her, entering from outside]
Phoebe : Oh, I thought you weren’t coming. What, where were you?
Leslie : C’mere, c’mere. (leads Phoebe to the right of the stage, taking her guitar away) Okay – don’t get mad, okay? (flashes the “secret hand signal between friends” from earlier)
Phoebe : (pokes LESLIE in the stomach) Okay, don’t give me a reason to get mad, okay? (flashes the hand signal back)
Leslie : Okay, okay. I played “Smelly Cat” for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
Phoebe : No, look, I- I told you that I didn’t want you to try and sell it, and … you just, you big fat did it anyway.
Leslie : Oh.
Phoebe : God! You know what? I think five years ago, I probably would have done anything to play with you, but (taking her guitar back from LESLIE’s hands) I can do it by myself, right, and if I can’t trust you, then just forget it.
Leslie : No, no, I don’t wanna forget it.
Phoebe : Okay, you know what? You have to choose, alright? If, if – the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing, then … okay, you can have “Smelly Cat”, but we won’t be partners.
Leslie : Oh.
Phoebe : So what’s it gonna be?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, cut to a closeup of the TV during a “Cat Fresh” Kitty Litter commercial using “Smelly Cat” as its jingle]
Commercial voice-over : Problem odor in the litter box? Don’t change your kitty, change your kitty litter. (Monica turns the commercial off before it’s over, Phoebe is sitting on the table, Joey and Monica are there to comfort her)
Monica : Sorry, Pheebs.
Joey : Yeah. You okay?
Phoebe : Yeah. I actually am, yeah. ‘Cuz you know life’s, life’s gonna hand you all kinds of stuff, y’know, you learn your little lessons and hopefully, you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
Joey : (excited) Yeah! (kneels on the floor in front of Phoebe)
Monica : (excited) Oh, I’d love to. (sits on the floor in front of Phoebe)
Phoebe : Okay.
Monica : Okay.
Phoebe : (singing) Jingle bitch screwed me over, go to hell, jingle whore, go to hell, go to hell, go to he-he-hell. (speaking) That’s all I have so far.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel and Ross are at the kitchen table, Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch, and Monica is at the counter as Chandler enters]
Chandler : (in a high pitched voice) Well, hello!
Joey : Where’ve you been?
Chandler : The doctor.
Ross : Is everything okay?
Chandler : Oh yess … just had me a little “nubbinectomy”. Yuup – two nipples, no waiting!
Monica : Wow, it’s like Rachel in high school! (Ross laughs)
Rachel : What??
Monica : C’mon, c’mon, I was kidding, it was such an obvious joke!
Chandler : That *was* an obvious joke. And I didn’t think of it – why didn’t I think of it? (pointing to his chest, and considering his recent operation) The source of all my powers. Oh dear god, what’ve I done?