[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is at the kitchen table, Chandler is on the couch, Rachel enters hurriedly from the bedroom, wearing only a towel and shoes]
Rachel : Okay, hey, umm … does everybody hate these shoes?
Chandler : Oh yeah, but, uh, don’t worry. I don’t think anybody’s gonna focus on that as long as you’re wearing that towel dress.
Rachel : (to Ross, while she glares at Chandler) Tell him. (Rachel storms back into her bedroom)
Ross : (to Chandler) It’s her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!
Chandler : (to Ross) All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?
Ross : Why?
Chandler : I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y’know he’s the, uh, the botanist.
Ross : Oh God. Y’know, botanists are such geeks.
Chandler : Yeah. (motions to Ross’s tie) That a dinosaur tie?
Ross : Hmm? (excited) Oh, yeah. (makes dinosaur sounds while playing with the tie)
Phoebe : (entering, with a dozen purses hanging around from her shoulders) Morning!
Chandler : (to Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe : Rach, I’m here with the purses!
Chandler : Must take you forever to find your keys.
Rachel : (running back into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
Phoebe : Your welcome, oh please want the one with the turtles. (Phoebe shows off a green purse with turtles on it)
Rachel : No, no, no, no, no, no, turtles scare me. I don’t need that today.
Ross : Honey, just relax, it’s gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don’t I come down there and I’ll take you out to lunch?
Rachel : Oh honey, thank you, but Mark’s taking me out.
Ross : Mark is that the, the same Mark that helped you get the job?
Rachel : Yeah, it’s kinda like a “good luck on your first day” sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
Phoebe : Umm, no, it’s a purse. And there’s a thermos in it.
Rachel : Oh.
Chandler : (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?
Ross : What? Oh yeah, yeah – think so. Why am I invited to this again?
Chandler : Uh, apparently Albert has no friends. He’s very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he’s getting married is so he can see a stripper.
Phoebe : A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don’t you guys get (excited) a magician?!
Chandler : Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then alright.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone]
Ross : She’s having lunch with him? Lunch with him? You should have seen the hug he gave her when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he’s really good looking. (Joey, oblivious to the conversation but wanting to appear aware, gives Ross a thumbs up) What am I gonna do?
Chandler : Don’t do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don’t cry out loud.
Joey : (hanging up the phone) Yes! (exults like a jock) Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical?
Chandler : I want to say “you” but it seems like such an easy answer.
Joey : It *is* me! It’s a musical version of “A Tale of Two Cities”. So, I think I’m gonna sing “New York, New York”, and ah, oh “I Left My Heart In San Francisco”.
Ross : Ah Joey, I don’t think you get to pick the cities.
Joey : What?
Ross : Mr. Dickens gets to pick ’em.
Joey : Who?
Chandler : I’ll get you the Cliff Notes. (goes to get his overcoat)
Joey : The what?
Chandler : The abridgment. (starts to leave)
Joey : (knowingly) Oh, okay. (suddenly confused, to Ross) The what?
[Scene: Rachel’s office, MARK is leaning over Rachel’s shoulder as she types away at a computer]
Mark : …and the style number, the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?
Rachel : Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
Mark : Twenty percent.
Rachel : Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Woo-hoo! My first call.
Mark : Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green’s line, how may I help you?
Ross : (on phone, calling from his desk at work) Hi, is Rachel there?
Mark : And who may I say is calling?
Ross : This is Ross?
Mark : Ross of …
Ross : Of “Ross and Rachel”.
Mark : Oh hi, hi. It’s, it’s Mark.
Ross : Oh hey, hey Mark.
Mark : Hey, hold on a second.
Ross : (as his mood turns darker) Okay.
Rachel : Hi honey!
Ross : Hi! What ah, what’s Mark doing answerin’ your phone?
Rachel : Oh, he’s just goofing around.
Ross : Ohhhhh yeah, that’s, that’s funny. Why ah, why isn’t he goofing around in his own office?
Rachel : What? Honey, this is his office too. I told you we’re Joanna’s two assistants.
Ross : Why does Joanna need two assistants, uh, how, how lazy is she?
Rachel : (looking at her computer) Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?
Ross : What?
Rachel : I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Honey, I gotta go. (to MARK) Mark, I need you!
Ross : Okay, bye-bye. (slams the phone down 9 times angrily)
Rachel : (over the phone) Ow! Ross!!
Ross : Oh, oh, I’m, I’m, I’m sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I’m just dialing another number. (hangs up)
[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with JULIO, a waiter. With her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig]
Jeannine : (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You’d better go for it.
Monica : Please, I’m not “going for” anything.
Jeannine : Well, if you don’t, I will.
Monica : Would you please go?
Jeannine : Night Mon. (clears throat) Night Julio.
Julio : (to Jeannine as she exits) Adios.
(Monica starts cleaning the barstools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders. Monica notices a book on the bar)
Monica : Look Julio, someone left their book here.
Julio : Ah actually, uh, that is mine.
Monica : Oh yeah?
Julio : Yes.
Monica : What are you reading?
Julio : “Flowers of Evil”, by Beaudliere. Have you read it?
Monica : (mocking as if it were the best book she had ever read) Hm-hmm, “have I read it”. (pause) No, are you enjoying it?
Julio : I thought that I would, but the translation’s no good.
Monica : You’re a poet and don’t know it. (she turns away and makes a face, surprised at her own corny remark)
Julio : Actually I ah, I am a poet.
Monica : Oh, so you do know it. (their eyes meet, she clears her throat and nervously walks away) So, um, what kind of things do you write about?
Julio : Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a … a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)
Monica : Mine? (she points to her lower lip) Right here?
Julio : I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)
Monica : (while he holds her lower lip) How would that go? (he pulls her close and they kiss) Well, it didn’t rhyme, but I liked it.
[Scene: Joey’s audition, he is performing for the DIRECTOR to piano accompaniment]
Joey : (singing) You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, boys, (takes the pianist’s handkerchief from his back pocket) you’ve got to pick a pocket or two!
Director : Lovely, just lovely.
Joey : Really? Thanks.
Director : Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Joey : Excellent, I’ll be there.
Director : Okay, and listen don’t forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey : Ahhh! My ah, my agent said that it *wasn’t* a dancing part.
Director : Joey, all the roles gotta dance a little. But, believe me, with your dance background, it’ll be a piece of cake.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is reading Joey’s resume, Phoebe is also there]
Chandler : Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharpe? Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
Joey : Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay? I wasn’t one of the “Zoom Kids” either.
Phoebe : Well, can you, like, dance at all?
Joey : Yeah, I can dance, y’know … (starts to do the Cabbage Patch, reversing his direction after a moment, looking very much like a man lacking in soul)
Chandler : Oh no, no, no, no.
Phoebe : (covering her mouth) What, what is that?
Joey : Sure, it looks stupid now, there’s no music playing.
Chandler : All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens, then moves away from Joey and Phoebe, speaking happily) Hi! Yeah, um, listen, I’m, I’m in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens, and laughs like a kid) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?
Monica : (entering) Hi!
Phoebe : Ooo! How was last night with Julio, senorita?
Monica : It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Ohmigosh, I gotta tell you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops … to write a poem.
Joey : Get out! I couldn’t stop if a meteor hit me.
Chandler : Okay, we have our stripper. A Ms. Crystal Chandelier.
Joey : Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?
Monica : Anyway um, when he left, he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think this is pretty good alright? Check it out. (hands them the poem)
Joey : (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty…
Chandler : To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y’know what? That’s pretty good.
Monica : Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?
Phoebe : Oh yeah.
Chandler : Oh, great, I’m so glad you guys like it. Yay! Alright, I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)
Joey : Whoa, I’m not done.
Monica : All right, well, just give it back when your through. See you guys.
Chandler : Bye-bye.
Phoebe : Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!
Chandler : What, what, what?!
Phoebe : What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) “My vessel so lovely with nothing inside. Now that I’ve touched you, you seem emptier still.” He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!
Chandler : You really think that’s what he meant?
Monica : Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.
Joey : (proudly) Done!
[Scene: Rachel’s office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her, MARK’s desk is opposite hers so that they face each other]
Mark : (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?
Rachel : Oh, yeah, sure, it’s uh, right … (she picks up a stuffed bug and it plays the theme from “Love Story”, she punches it and it stops)
Mark : Wh-what’s that?
Ross : Uh, it’s uh, it’s from Ross, it’s a love bug.
Mark : Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
Rachel : Oh no, no-no, no-no-no, that’s not, not, not, what he is doing. He’s just, he’s just really romantic.
Man : (dressed in a red and white striped jacket, to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?
Rachel : Yes.
Man : (joined by the rest of a barbershop quartet, he blows a harMonica to get a pitch) One, two, three…
Quartet : (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won’t be long before you’re the boss.
Bass singer : (solo) Oom-pah, oom-pah, oom-pah.
Quartet : (singing) And you know who will be there to support you? Your one and only boyfriend …
Bass singer : (solo) It’s nice to have a boyfriend.
Quartet : Your loyal, loving boyfriend Ross … (like a cheer) Ross!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom]
Ross : I’m hurt! I’m actually hurt, that you would think I would send you any of those things out of anything other than love. Hurt! Hurt!
Rachel : All right Ross!! I get it!!
Ross : I mean my God…
Rachel : You’re hurt!
Ross : …can’t, can’t a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend’s office anymor-re?!?
Rachel : Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
Ross : I would never do that!
Rachel : Look, I know what’s going on here, okay? Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.
Ross : Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark’s an idiot.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch, Joey is on the seat]
Joey : Mark’s a genius!
Ross : Why?! How?! How is he a genius?
Chandler : Look, don’t you see what’s happening here? Instead of hitting on her right away, he’s becoming her confidant. Now he’s gonna be the guy she goes to to complain about you.
Ross : What am I going to do?
Chandler : Well, why don’t you send her a musical bug? Oh, no you already did that. All right look, you’re going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.
Ross : I don’t know, you guys …
Chandler : All right, fine, don’t do anything, just sit here and talk to us. Meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he’s being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking “Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me”.
Joey : And before you know it, she’s with him. And you’ll be all, “Ohh, man”! And he’ll be all, “Yes”! And us, we’ll be like, “Wh-whoa, dude”. And pretty soon you’ll be like, (in his best depressed Ross tone) “Hi”, and, and, and, “I can’t go, Rachel and Mark might be there”. And we’ll be like, “Man, get over it, it’s been four years”!
Chandler : He paints quite a picture doesn’t he?
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is working at her desk, MARK cRosses behind her to do some filing, NANCY walks up behind MARK]
Nancy : Here’s the Shelly Siegal stuff for December.
Mark : (turning around) And wait, I’ve got something for you. (kisses her)
Nancy : (surprised) Mark!!
Mark : It’s okay, Rachel knows.
Nancy : Yeah, but even so!
(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel’s office, all he can do is hear the ensuing dialogue)
Mark : I can’t help it, I’m just, I’m just crazy about you.
Rachel : (regarding MARK and NANCY, over her shoulder) Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee, she actually is seen traversing the hallway that Ross is eavesdropping from, although the two do not see each other)
Mark : Okay, okay look, I know I’m like Mr. Inappropriate today, but it’s just so tough, I mean I see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you. Come on, no one’s around, just, just kiss me.
(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up, except he is unaware that the girl MARK is kissing is not Rachel)
Ross : Alright that’s, that’s it! Get off her!
Mark : What is going on?
Ross : What’s going on?! (throws the musical bug at him) I’ll tell you what’s going on!!
Rachel : (who has re-entered from the hallway and is now standing behind Ross) Ross!
(Ross finally looks at NANCY, with his back toward Rachel)
Ross : I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (slowly turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He starts to put his hand on her shoulder, but she knocks it away)
[Scene: Joey’s dance audition, Joey is copying everyone else’s warm-up movements]
Director : Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he’s having a relationship crisis and can’t get out of Long Island.
Joey : So, does that mean the audition is off?
Director : Listen Joey, seeing as you’ve got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and teach ’em the combination.
Joey : What?!
Director : Aw Joey, come on, it’s easy. (demonstrating slowly at first) Y’know, it’s hand, hand, head, head, (suddenly the moves become very quick and complex, Joey watches stunned) up, out a beret, out a beret, big turn here, grand dechant, sesont, sesont, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
Joey : It’s ah, steppity step and jazz hands.
Director : Have fun.
Joey : Bye! (does the jazz hands)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is tying a ribbon around an empty vase as Phoebe enters]
Phoebe : Hey!
Monica : Hey.
Phoebe : What are you wrapping?
Monica : Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.
Phoebe : Yeah, it’s a vase.
Monica : Yeah, just like the one in the poem.
Phoebe : Yeah, well, huh, not *exactly* like the one in the poem.
Monica : What do you mean?
Phoebe : Remember how you said that you were really dense about poetry?
Monica : Yeah?
Phoebe : Oh. (hugs Monica in pity, although Monica still has no idea why)
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, JULIO is behind the bar as Monica enters]
Monica : (to JULIO) So! I’m just an empty vase, huh?
Julio : What?
Monica : Y’know, so I don’t read as many important books as you do, and I don’t write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y’know what? I get excited about stupid stuff. Like when my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new “Hold Everything” catalog. Y’know but that does not mean that I’m empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.
Julio : Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Monica : You don’t even know me…
Julio : Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.
Monica : What?
Julio : The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby preciosa, you make me so sad that you would think this.
Monica : I’m sorry, it’s, my friend Phoebe said …
Julio : No, it’s about all women. Well, all *American* women. You feel better now?
Monica : (sarcastically) Oh yeah.
[Scene: Joey’s audition, the DIRECTOR has returned and wants to see the combination]
Director : All right, let’s do it!
(The piano plays and after getting the “hand, hand, head, head” part correct, the dancers in the group start doing various versions of the Cabbage Patch dance like Joey did for Phoebe and Chandler, finishing up with the jazz hands)
Director : No, no, no. What was that?
Joey : I know, it’s the best I could get out of them.
Director : Well, people!
Joey : People, people, people.
Director : Let’s try it again, and this time let’s everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show ’em how it’s done. (to the pianist) Count it off, Lac.
(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then bolts from the audition)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are on the couch]
Rachel : So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?
Chandler : Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she’s fully dressed, right?
Rachel : Right.
Chandler : And then you click it and, uh-oh, she’s naked. And then, and then you click it again – she’s dressed. She’s a businesswoman, she’s walking down the street, she’s window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she’s naked! (Rachel just stares at him)
Ross : (entering) Hi.
Rachel : Hello.
Chandler : (sensing the tension) Y’know what, I’m, I’m gonna spend some “alone time” with the pen.
Ross : (sits down next to her) I’m sorry, I was an idiot.
Rachel : Big idiot.
Ross : A big idiot. Just you have to realize this, uh, this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background)
Rachel : Honey, why is it hard? We’ve been together for almost a year now?
Ross : Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now, if it’s possible, I think I love you even more. So, it’s hard for me to believe I’m not gonna … well that … someone else isn’t gonna take you away.
Gunther : Let it be me … let it be me!
Rachel : Honey, that’s very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there’s no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)
Ross : I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.
Chandler : Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen’s getting kinda boring, so can you pick me up some porn?
Rachel : Where ya goin’?
Ross : Oh, I’ve got to go pick up Ben, we’ve got a play date this afternoon.
Rachel : Ohh, with who?
Ross : Oh, just this woman I met, uh, last night at the party.
Rachel : There was a woman at … (realizes) the stripper?
Ross : Yeah.
Rachel : You have a play date with a stripper?!
Chandler : Man, I gotta get a kid. (after receiving stares from Rachel and Ross, Chandler looks at the pen and starts laughing, walking away)
Ross : Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y’know, did her thing. And it turns out she’s got a boy about Ben’s age, so we’re gonna take the kids to a “Gymboree” class. Why, is that okay?
Rachel : Sure, is she married?
Ross : Ahh, no.
Rachel : Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard)
Ross : Are you jealous?
Rachel : Noo, I y’know I just don’t see why she has to play with you, that’s all. I mean doesn’t she y’know have any other stripper mom friends of her own?
Ross : You are totally jealous.
Rachel : Ugh, I’m not jealous, alright? This is about, umm, people feeling certain things y’know about strippers. And y’know, and um …
Ross : Honey?
Rachel : I …
Ross : I love you too.
Rachel : I, ugh.
Ross : Bye!
Rachel : Wait, wait, wait.
Ross : What?
(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss)
Ross : (in a definite daze) Huh. (he walks out stunned)
Rachel : (to Chandler, who walks up and pats her on the back) Well, there’s a kiss he won’t forget for a few hours, y’know?
Chandler : Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
[Scene: The crowded Moondance Diner, Monica is behind the bar, JULIO is getting close with JEANNINE]
Man : (entering) Is there a Julio here?
Julio : (to him) I am Julio.
(The rest of the QUARTET enters, and joins him)
Man : (singing) Mister Pretentious, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there’s no one finer, well your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.
Quartet : Your no God’s gift to women, that’s all in your head. You are just a buttmunch …
Bass singer : (solo) No one likes a buttmunch …
Quartet : … and your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!. (Monica waves at JULIO)