[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are on the couch, Chandler is reading the comics]
Chandler : Hmmm, eh y’know, I don’t, I don’t know …
Rachel : What?
Chandler : Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
Gunther : Rachel?
Rachel : Yeah?
Gunther : You remember when you first came here how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Rachel : Oh, sure – do you need me to train somebody new?
Gunther : Hah ha, good one. Actually, uh, Terry wants you to take the training again …whenever.
Rachel : (in disbelief) Huh! Do you believe that.
Chandler : Huh (nods as if to say “no”, then, after reconsidering) … yeah.
[Scene: a lower floor in the gang’s apartment building, SARAH is wearing Girl Scout-like garb, selling cookies]
Sarah : … so that’s two boxes of the holiday macaroons. On behalf of the Brownbirds of America, I salute you. (blows on bird whistle and gives a salute with a flutter at the end of it)
Ross : Admit it Chandler, you have no backhand!
Chandler : Excuse me, little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Ross : Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl … is not a backhand.
Chandler : I was shrieking .. like a Marine.
Ross : Alright (stops Chandler in his tracks on the stairway) here, watch me execute the three “P”s of championship play. Power hah (swings at Chandler with his racket from one side), precision shoo (swings at Chandler with his racket from the other side), and pinache (delivers a backhand to SARAH who walks into the stairwell at the wrong time, she screams, Ross and Chandler react in horror)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is at the little table, Monica, Phoebe and Ross are on the couch, Rachel is on the arm of the couch, Joey is on the seat]
Monica : You broke a little girl’s leg?
Ross : I know, I feel horrible, okay?
Chandler : Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
Ross : I’m gonna go see her. I wanna bring her something. Whaddya think she’d like?
Monica : Maybe a “Hello Kitty” doll? The ability to walk? (all but Ross giggle at this)
Rachel : (noticing Ross’s glare, clears throat) I’m gonna get back to retraining.
Ross : Alright. See ya guys.
Chandler : (towards the door) Look out kids, he’s coming!
Joey : And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees!
Phoebe : Have fun! (starts to sip coffee) Oh, wait, no don’t! I forgot, I am totally against that now.
Joey : (pulling on his coat) What, me having a job?
Phoebe : No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Joey : Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around. (kneals near the couch) Hey, Phoebe, listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. They’re fulfilling their life purpose by, by making people happy!
Phoebe : Really? (looks to Chandler, who is prodded visually by Joey to back him up)
Chandler : Yes. Yes, and uh, uh the trees are happy, too, because for most of them it’s their only chance to see New York.
Gunther : (behind the bar, instructing Rachel) … and after you’ve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray …
Rachel : Gunther, Gunther, please, I have worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there.(points to an area near the end of the bar)
Gunther : What if you put them here? (puts a tray down near the coffee machines)
Rachel : Huh. Well y’know, that’s actually a really good idea because that way they’ll be closer to the mugs. You know what? You should have the other waitresses do that too!
Gunther : They already do. That’s why they call it “the tray spot”.
Rachel : Jeez, I always heard ’em talk about that, I sorta just thought it was like a club they went to, oh god, I’m sorry.
Gunther : It’s alright (she walks away) … sweetheart.
[Scene: SARAH’s bedroom, decorated with space shuttle posters and all things planetary, SARAH has a cast and Ross is bedside]
Ross : So, this must be … kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your dad tells me you get a couple of days off school and you, uh, you don’t have to sell those cookies anymore.
Sarah : Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to space camp … and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Ross : (playing with a stuffed space shuttle) Wow, you, uh, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
Sarah : Yeah. My dad says if I spent as much time helping him clean apartments as I do daydreaming about outer space, he’d be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
Ross : I think you’d have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
Sarah : No. The one in Atlantic City. Dad loves the slots. He says he’s gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Ross : Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?
Sarah : The girl who won last year sold 475.
Ross : Yeah?
Sarah : So far, I’ve sold … 75.
Ross : 400, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (gets out and opens his wallet) How much are the boxes?
Sarah : Five dollars a box.
Ross : (shuts his wallet) And what is second prize?
Sarah : A ten-speed bike, but I’d rather have something my dad couldn’t sell.
Ross : Well, that makes sense.
Sarah : Would you do me one favor? If it’s not too much trouble …
Ross : Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Sarah : Could you pull the curtains open for me? The astronauts from the Space Shuttle are gonna be on the news. Since we don’t have a TV, the lady acRoss the alley said she’s push hers up through a window so I could watch it.
[Scene: apartment building hallway, Ross enters holding a box and approaches a door, knocks on it, and the camera view switches to from within an OLD WOMAN’s door looking out at Ross through a peephole which opens up, after Ross knocks]
Old Woman : Yes?
Ross : Yeah, hi, I’m selling Brownbird cookies.
Old Woman : You’re no Brownbird. I can see you through my peephole.
Ross : Um, no, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brownbird (blows the bird whistle and gives the salute with the flutter)
Old Woman : What does that mean?
Ross : Uh, well, it means that I can sell cookies but I’m not invited to sleep-overs. (laughs and mugs for the peephole)
Old Woman : I can dial 911 at the press of a button, y’know. Now go ‘way.
Ross : Please, please, um, it’s for a poor little girl who wants to go to space camp more than anything in the world. (mugs again)
Old Woman : I’m pressing …
Ross : No …
Old Woman : A policeman is on his way …
Ross : Okay, okay, I’m going, I’m going. (picks up box and moves acRoss the hall, and as he’s about to knock …)
Old Woman : I can still see you!
Ross : (turns toward peephole, angrily) Alright! (leaves the area)
[Scene: the Christmas tree lot where Joey works, Joey is unloading a tightly bound tree as Phoebe walks up]
Phoebe : Hey.
Joey : Hey! What are you doing here?
Phoebe : Well, I, I thought alot about what you said and um, I realized, alright, maybe I was a little judgemental. (notices the tightly bound tree) Yeah. Oh, but, eww.
Joey : Oh, now Phoebe, remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas …
Phoebe : Destiny.
Joey : Sure.
Phoebe : Yes.
Joey : Yeah.
Phoebe : Okay. (somebody walks by with a sickly, brown tree) Yikes – that one doesn’t look very fulfilled.
Joey : Oh, that’s uh that’s one of the old ones. He’s just taking it to the back.
Phoebe : You keep the old ones in the back? That is so age-ist.
Joey : Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Phoebe : So, what happens to the old guys?
Joey : Well, they go into the chipper.
Phoebe : Why do I have the feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds. (Joey motions behind Phoebe where the brown tree is being thrown into the chipper, dramatic choral music in a minor key swells up as the tree is shown being eaten) No NOOOO! (Phoebe watches in horror as the chips fly out the other side) Oh! (Phoebe buries her face in Joey’s shoulder
Joey : Hey hey heyy! (Joey motions to the operator to stop chipping, as he comforts Phoebe)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is at the little table, Monica and Chandler are on the couch, Ross is on the seat, selling his cookies]
Ross : And these come in the shapes of your favorite Christmas characters: Santa, Rudolph and Baby Jesus.
Joey : Alright, I’ll take a box of the creme-filled Jesuses.
Ross : Wait a minute, one box? C’mon, I’m trying to send a poor little girl to space camp. I’m putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler : Uhh, alright, do you have any, um coconut-flavored deities?
Ross : No, but, uh there’s coconut in the uh, Hannukah Menoreos. Tell you what, I’ll put you down for eight boxes: one for each night. (Chandler mouths “okay” and makes a disgusted face) Mon?
Monica : Alright, I’ll take one box of the Mint Treasures … one … and that’s it. (to Chandler) I started gaining weight after I joined the Brownbirds. (to Ross) Remember – Dad bought every one of my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross : Uh, no, Mon – uh, Dad *had* to buy every one of your boxes *because* you ate them all. But, uh, y’know I’m sure that’s not gonna happen this time. Why don’t I just put you down for three of the Mint Treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphs?
Monica : No.
Ross : Oh, c’mon now you know you want ’em.
Monica : Don’t, don’t … don’t do this …
Ross : (walks over to her, with a devlish look) I’ll tell you what, Mon. I’ll give you the first box for free.
Monica : (she reaches out, almost touches the box Ross is offering, then draws back suddenly) Oh god, I gotta go! (she bolts out the door)
Ross : (chases after Monica, with a smile) C’mon, all the cool kids are eating ’em!
Gunther : (as he is walking through the tables, training Rachel) And when you have a second later, I want to show you why we don’t just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
Rachel : (cRosses to join Chandler on the couch) I’m training to be better at a job that I hate! My life officially sucks.
Joey : But Rach, wasn’t this supposed to be a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff.
Rachel : Well, yeah! I’m still pursuing that.
Chandler : How, exactly are you pursuing that … y’know other than sending out resumes like, uh, what two years ago?
Rachel : Well, I’m also … sending out … good thoughts.
Joey : If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.
Rachel : The fear?
Chandler : He’s right. If you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
Rachel : Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate? I mean, why don’t you quit and get “the fear”?
Chandler : (laughs with Joey, then becomes suddenly serious) Because I’m *too* afraid.
Rachel : I don’t know, I mean, I would give anything to work for a designer, y’know … or a buyer. Uchh – I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here.
Chandler : Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28 and … still working here.
Gunther : (from the bar) Rachel?
Rachel : Yeah?
Gunther : Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.
Rachel : Can’t I just look at the handles on them?
Gunther : You would think.
Rachel : (cRosses to the bar) OK, fine – Gunther, y’know what? I am a terrible waitress. Do you know why I’m a terrible waitress? Because I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. I don’t care where the “tray spot” is. I just don’t care. This is not what I wanna do! (pauses) So I don’t think I should do it anymore. (pauses) I’m gonna give you my weeks’ notice.
Gunther : What?
Rachel : Gunther, I quit.
Chandler : (to Joey) Does this mean we’re gonna have to start paying for coffee?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Ross and Chandler are at the kitchen table]
Ross : Okay – 12, 22, 18 (Chandler, who is supposed to be adding figures for Ross, laughs at the calculator) … what?
Chandler : I spelled out “boobies”.
Monica : (enters from the bathroom) Ross, put me down for another box of the Mint Treasures, okay? (searches the case of cookies) Wh, where are the Mint Treasures?
Ross : Uh, we’re out. I sold them all.
Monica : What?
Ross : Monica, I’m cutting you off.
Monica : (frantic) No, no, j- just a couple more boxes. Look, it’s no big deal, alright? I’m – I’m cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross : Mon, look at yourself, you have cookie on your neck.
Monica : Oh my god! (runs to bathroom)
Chandler : So, how many you sold so far?
Ross : Eh? Check this out: (after punching calculator keys) 517 boxes!
Chandler : Oh my god, how did you do that?
Ross : (clears throat) Okay, the other night, I was, uh, leaving the museum just as “Laser Floyd” was letting out of the planetarium? Without even trying, I sold fifty boxes! That’s when it occured to me – the key to my success: the munchies! So, I uh, I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight? I am selling cookies by the *case*. They call me (in a “Bill and Ted” surfer-type voice) “cookie dude”.
Rachel : (enters through front door) Okay, everybody, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers …
Ross : Well, hey, who did these resumes for you?
Chandler : Me, on my computer.
Ross : Well, you sure used a large font.
Chandler : Ah, yeah. Well, uh, “Waitress at a coffeehouse” and, uh “Cheer squad co-captain” only took up so much room.
Rachel : Ha ha, hey, that’s funny! You’re funny Chandler! You’re a funny guy! You know what else is really funny?
Chandler : Something else I might have said?
Rachel : I don’t know, I don’t know – weren’t you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do? Ha Ha HA HA HA!?!?
Ross : Sweetie, calm down, it’s gonna be okay.
Rachel : No, it’s not gonna be okay, Ross. Tomorrow is my last day and I don’t have a lead. Okay, y’know what? I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna call Gunther and I’m gonna tell him I’m not quitting.
Chandler : W- y- y- you don’t want to give into the fear.
Rachel : You and your stupid fear! I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear …
Joey : (bursts in the door) HEY! I got great news!
Chandler : Run, Joey, run for your life! (runs out of the room)
Joey : (confused) What? (to Rachel) Rach, hey listen – have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?
Rachel : No.
Joey : Well, my old man’s doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening! So, you want me to see if he can get you an interview?
Rachel : Oh my god, yes! Oh, I would love that. Oh, that’s so sweet, Joey!
Joey : Not a problem! And now, for the great news!
Ross : What, that wasn’t the great news?
Joey : Only if you think it’s better than this (pulls a spray can from behind his back) “Snow In A Can”! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it kind of a Christmas lookie?
Monica : Christmas cookie?
[Scene: the Christmas tree lot, Joey is trying to make a sale]
Joey : Okay, and uh, this one here is a Douglas fir. Now, it’s a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Customer : Looks good, I’ll take it.
Phoebe : (from the back, holding a brown, dead tree) Wait wait wait wait wait! No, no, you don’t want that one. Heh heh, no, you can have this cool brown one … (Phoebe displays the tree with elaborate arm movements, a la the “Price Is Right” women) oooo!
Customer : I- i- it’s almost … dead!
Phoebe : Okay, but that’s why you have to buy it – so that it can fulfill its Christmas destiny. Otherwise, they’re gonna throw it into the chipper, tell ’em Joey.
Joey : Yeah, the, uh, trees that don’t fulfill their Christmas destiny, heh, are thrown in the chipper.
Customer : I think I’m gonna look around a little bit more.
Joey : Pheebs (chuckles) ya gotta stop doing this, I’m working on commission here!
Monica : (walks up) Hey guys!
Joey : Hey!
Monica : I’m here to pick out my Christmas tree!
Phoebe : Well, look no further, this one’s yours! (presents the brown tree again) Ahhh!
Monica : Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Phoebe : Alright, you know what? Nevermind! Everybody wants to have a green one! Sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional. I guess, it’s just, the holidays are just hard.
Monica : Oh, honey. Is that cause your mom died around Christmas?
Phoebe : Ugh, I wasn’t even thinking about that.
Monica : Oh. (she looks at Joey, who gives a thumbs up and a sarcastic smile)
[Scene: Brownbird meeting room, Ross and CHARLA are two of the Brownbirds sitting in a circle]
Ross : Hi there! How many, uh, how many did you sell?
Charla : I’m not gonna tell you. You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg.
Ross : Hey now, that was an accident, okay?
Charla : You’re a big scrud.
Ross : What’s a scrud?
Charla : Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross : I don’t have to, I could just look at you. (he sits back, satisfied with himself)
Troop leader : Alright girls … and man. Let’s see your final tallies. Ohhh, Debbie. 321 boxes of cookies – very nice.
Ross : Not nice enough.
Troop leader : Charla – 278 – sorry dear, but still good!
Ross : Good for a scrud.
Troop leader : Ooh! Yes Elizabeth. 871!
Ross : That’s crap! (notices everyone looking) … Sister Brownbird – good going! (gives a lifeless Brownbird salute)
Troop leader : Who’s next? (walks to Ross, who is frantically writing on his form, she notices and clears her throat, gaining Ross’s attention)
Ross : Hi there!
Troop leader : Hi. And batting for Sarah: Ross Geller. 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Ross : (clears throat) That is because my doctor says that I have a very … serious … nougat … deficiency.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are on the couch, Chandler is in the seat]
Chandler : Tell us what happened, (in a weird voice) Bronwbird Ross.
Ross : Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old sister who went down to the USS Nimitz and sold over 2000 boxes. (Rachel enters from her interview at Fortunata) Hey, how did the interview go?
Rachel : Uchh, blew it. I wouldn’t have even hired me.
Ross : Oh, come here, sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. That’s not how that was supposed to come out.
Phoebe : This is just the worst Christmas ever.
Chandler : You know what, Rach, maybe you should just, y’know, stay here at the coffeehouse.
Rachel : I can’t! It’s too late, Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her. (motions to waitress at bar) She’s even got waitress experience. Ugh. Last night, she was … teaching everybody how to make … napkins … into … (Rachel says something unintelligible in a high pitched whine).
Ross : (to Chandler and Phoebe) That word was “swans”.
[Scene: the hallway in front of Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are walking in]
Chandler : Ahh, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself really perked up my Christmas! (opens door with a knowing smile)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, where all of the old, brown trees are spread around, undecorated]
Phoebe : Oh! Oh my god!
Joey and Monica : (jumping out from behind the seat) Merry Christmas!
Phoebe : OOooh! You saved them! You guys! Oh god, you’re the best!
Chandler : It’s like “Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees”.
(the phone rings, Rachel answers)
Rachel : (on phone) Hello? Yeah, this is she … oh! You’re kidding, you’re kidding! Oh, thank you, I love you!
Chandler : Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
Rachel : I got the job!
All : Hey! Aww great! Alright!
Phoebe : Oh, God bless us everyone!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting at the little table, Ross, Chandler and Monica are on the couch, Phoebe is sitting in the chair]
Rachel : Here we go, serving my last cup of coffee. (as Ross leads others in singing “Pomp and Circumstance”, she brings a cup to Chandler) There you go, enjoy!
Chandler : (quietly, to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?
Ross and Joey : No. No.
Rachel : Umm, excuse me, everyone, uh, this is my last night working here, and, uh, I just wanted to say that I made some really good friends here, and uh, it’s just time to move on. (Gunther runs to the back room, crying) Uh, and no offense to everybody who uh, still works here, but you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment, I will never have to make coffee again.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel is being instructed by MR. KAPLAN, JR]
MR. Kaplan, Jr : Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so you really use two bags instead of one, see? Now, pay attention, cuz this part’s tricky: see, some people use filters just once …
[Scene: in front of Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Ross walks and SARAH hobbles on crutches to the door]
Ross : I’m … I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to space camp, and I’m hoping that maybe, somehow, this may help make up for it, okay? Presenting: Sarah Tuttle’s Private Very Special Space Camp! (opens the door, and Chandler and Joey are jumping excitedly from behind one of the recliners covered in tin foil, there are planets and stars everywhere, Chandler and Joey show off the decorations)
Sarah : (to Ross) Really, Mr. Geller, you don’t have to do this …
Ross : Oh, c’mon, here we go (lifts her into the chair and takes her crutches) stand by for mission countdown!
Joey : (with a mock echo effect) 10, 9, 8, (Chandler hits Joey on the forehead impatiently) ow. Okay blast off! (they start shaking and spinning the chair, Chandler, Joey and Ross make take off noises, Ross makes beeping sounds as he spins a soccer ball on his hand)
Chandler : (holding a figurine of some kind) I’m an alien, I’m an alien!
Ross : Oh, no! An asteroid! (bounces an “asteroid” off Joey’s head, as we see SARAH smiling and laughing)