[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Everybody is sitting around as the infomercial “Amazing Discoveries” is coming on.]
Host (on television) : Welcome everybody to “Amazing Discoveries.”
Phoebe : Oh my god! It’s on again.
Joey : You guys, could we please not watch this? [they all ‘shh’ Joey]
Host (on television) : Folks, this ever happen to you? You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, but these darn cartons are so flingin’-flangin’ hard to open.
Joey (on television) : You said it, Mike. [tries to open milk carton and spills milk everywhere] There’s got to be a better way.
Mike : And there is, Kevin.
Joey : Could we please turn this off?
Rachel : No way, Kevin.
Mike (on television) : There’s a revolutionary new product that guarantees you’ll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milkmaster 2000. [crowds makes ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ sounds]
Ross : [to Chandler] Are you intrigued?
Chandler : You’re flingin’-flangin’ right I am.
Mike (on television) : This is the first time. He’s never used this product before. You’re gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. [Joey pushes the device into the carton] This works in any milk carton.
Joey (on television) : Wow, this is easy. Now I can have milk every day. [the crowd makes an aaah sound]
[Scene: Central Perk. Janice and Chandler are on the couch. Monica is also on the couch next to them. Phoebe is sitting on the floor next to the table.]
Chandler : [looking at newspaper] It’s official. There are no good movies.
Janice : So let’s go to a bad one and make out. [hyena laugh]
Monica : Perhaps you would like me to turn like this, so you can bunny-bump against my back.
[Joey walks in. They all exchange ‘heys’.]
Chandler : Hey, what’s up?
Joey : [to Chandler] Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn’t show up at the audition I didn’t know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?
Chandler : Uh, I do enjoy guilt, but uh, it wasn’t me.
Phoebe : [very quickly] Yes it was. It was him. Uh-huh. [pause] Okay. It was me.
Joey : How was it you?
Phoebe : Well, it was just, it was all so crazy. You know? Chandler was in the closet, counting to ten, and he was up to seven and I hadn’t found a place to hide yet. I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand, see? [shows Joey her hand which has writing on it] All of it.
Joey : [looking at Phoebe’s hand] Yep. That’s my audition.
Monica : See. Now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe : Yep. And that’s why we don’t invite you to play.
Janice : What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
Joey : Well, Estelle tried. You know? The casting director told her I missed my chance.
Phoebe : Well, that is unfair. I’ll call her. I’ll tell her it was totally my fault.
Joey : Pheebs, you can’t do that. The casting director doesn’t talk to friends. She only talks to agents.
Phoebe : What a sad little life she must lead. Okay. I know. [picks up Central Perk’s phone and dials]
Joey : What are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe : Oh, I know. Oh. [in high-pitched voice] Hi. This is Caitlin, from Phoebe Buffay’s office. Ummm, is Anne there for Phoebe? She’ll know what it’s about.
Joey : Hang up. Hang up right now.
[Joey tries to grab the phone, but Phoebe holds his good hand away and he can’t get at the phone.]
Phoebe : [in her regular voice] Annie? Hi. Listen, we’ve got a problem with Joey Tribbiani. Apparently, he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? [pause] Estelle? No. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with her. No. Alright, you’re husband leaves you and burns down the apartment. The world does not stop.
Chandler : Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe : [still talking on phone] Right, well, if Joey loses this audition, then that is it for Estelle. I don’t care. [pause] Annie, you are a doll. What time can you see him? [whispering to others] I need a pen.
[She takes the pen, pushes Chandler’s head down, and starts writing on the back of his neck.]
Chandler : Get the woman a pad. Get the woman a pad. A pad! A pad!
Monica : Oh, now you want a pad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is in the apartment and Carol and Susan are coming in with Ben, who is holding a doll.]
Ross : Here’s my boy. Here’s my boy. And here’s his…Barbie. What’s my boy doing with a Barbie?
Carol : He picked it out of a toy store himself. He loves it.
Susan : He carries it everywhere. It’s like a security blanket. But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross : Yeah. It’s, it’s , it’s cute, why, why, why does he have it again?
Susan : So, he’s got a doll, so what? [pause] Unless you’re afraid he’s going to grow up to be…in show business?
Carol : This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he’s being raised by two women, would it?
Ross : You know what, it’s fine. If you’re okay with the Barbie thing, so am I.
[Later, still in the apartment. Joey is in the chair. Rachel is at the kitchen table.]
Ross : Give Daddy the Barbie. Give me the Barbie. [Ben refuses to give up the doll] Okay. Don’t you wanna play with a monster truck? [showing Ben the truck and making engine noises] No. Okay, how about a dino-soldier? [making squawking noises] Eeerrrr! Eeeerrr! Eeeerrr?
Rachel : Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can’t your son just play with his doll?
[Rachel sticks the Milkmaster 2000 in the carton of milk and pours some. Joey gives her the thumbs up. Monica comes in from her bedroom with the right side of her chest much larger than the left.]
Ross : I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey : I love that movie.
Monica : There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
[Monica sees the breast filler Joey is using as a pillow and pulls it out from underneath him.]
Joey : I’m sorry. It just felt nice.
[Just then, Chandler comes in with a ringing, cordless phone.]
Chandler : Joe! Joe! Answer the phone.
Joey : Hey, I only got one good arm. You know, you should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
Chandler : Just do it. Okay. It’s Janice and if I get it, I’m gonna have to see her tonight. [the phone stops ringing] Oh, that’s great, I’m gonna have to see her tonight.
Rachel : What’s the big deal? Why don’t you want to see Janice?
Chandler : Okay. Last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate. And then she took all my tomatoes.
Ross : And that’s bad…because you hate chicken piccata?
Chandler : No.
Ross : You didn’t want to share your tomatoes? Tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler : No. No. It’s like, all of a sudden, we were this couple. Okay. And this alarm starting going off in my head, “run for your life, get out of the building!”
Rachel : Men are unbelievable.
Monica : What is it with you people? I mean, the minute you start to feel something you have to run away?
Chandler : I know that… [noticing the size of Monica’s chest] That’s why I don’t want to go tonight. I’m afraid I’m going to say something stupid.
Monica : Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act all mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. [Rachel nods in agreement]
Joey : Hey, you know about that?
Chandler : Look, what do I do? I want to get past this. I don’t want to be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side.
Ross : [explaining to Joey] Where there’s no fear of commitment.
Chandler : Do we… [accidentally brushing Monica’s fake breasts] Do we have any thoughts here?
Joey : Well, I’ve never been through the tunnel myself cause as I understand it, you’re not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car. [to Ross] Right? [Ross nods] But it seems to me, it’s pretty much like anything else. You know? Face your fear. If you have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building. If you’re afraid of bugs, [pause] get a bug. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say, you go in there, and you be the most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel : Amazingly, that makes sense.
Chandler : You think?
Joey : Yeah. Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
Chandler : Hey, Joe, I assure you, if I’m staring down the barrel of a gun, I’m gonna pretty much be peeing every which way.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch wearing her guitar. Rachel is also on the couch. Joey is sitting in the chair. Phoebe’s beeper goes off.]
Phoebe : Ooh, it’s you audition from this morning! Can I use the phone again?
Rachel : Sure, Pheebs, you know, that’s what it’s there for. Emergencies and pretend agents.
Joey : Come on, baby, come on.
Phoebe : [in high-pitched voice] Hi. I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. [pause] Okay. Well, she’s in her car, I’ll have to patch you through.
Rachel : Very nice touch.
Phoebe : [still high-pitched] Okay, go ahead. [regular] Hi, Annie? [pause] Fantastic. [whispers to Joey] You got it. [pause] Oh, okay, will he work for scale, you ask? Well, I don’t know about that… [Joey clears his throat and nods] except that I do and he will. [pause] Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart. [pause] I would love to have lunch with you. How about we have lunch next… [Phoebe hangs up the phone] Oops, went through a tunnel.
Rachel : Unbelievable.
Joey : Thank you so much.
Phoebe : It was really fun. I’ve never talked on a car phone before.
Joey : It was so amazing. Could you do me this huge favor? See, there’s this one other audition that I really really want and Estelle couldn’t get me in.
Phoebe : I don’t know. It was fun one time, but…
Joey : Come on, please, it would just be this one more, well, actually it’s two.
Phoebe : Two?
Joey : Well, really, it’s three. Please, you’re so good at it. I love you.
Phoebe : Okay, I’ll do it. But just these three, right?
Joey : No. It’s four.
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Janice and Chandler are having a romantic dinner over the fuzzball table.]
Janice : So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
Chandler : Cause I wanted to, um, give you this. [Chandler hands Janice a gift-wrapped box]
Janice : OOOhhh! Are you a puppy! [she opens it] Contact paper. You never know what to say when someone you’re sleeping with gives you contact paper?
Chandler : Wait. There’s more. See, the contact paper is to go in…your brand new drawer. [Chandler pulls the drawer up and shows her] See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice : Oh! You didn’t have to do this…
Chandler : Yes I did. Yes I did. Because you’re my girlfriend and that’s what girlfriend should get. [they kiss]
Janice : Oh, well, I gotta buy a vowel because…oh my god! [she kisses him] Who would’ve thought that someday Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer?
Chandler : Well, not me. But that’s what’s happened. And uh, there’s more…we should take a trip.
Janice : We should?
Chandler : Yep. We’re a couple…and that’s, uh, what couples do. And I want to meet your parents. We should take a trip…with your parents!
Janice : [cackling laugh] I don’t think we need to because you’re tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Chandler : I am. I actually am. I mean, this is amazing. My entire life, I have feared this place. And now, that I’m here, it’s like, what was the big deal? I mean, I could probably say “let’s move in together” and I’d be okay.
Janice : You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler : It doesn’t scare me!
Janice : Well, it scares me. I mean, I’m not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta. And all of a sudden, you’re like, talking about moving in together. And I wasn’t even that hungry. You know what, it’s getting really late and I should just…
Chandler : No! Don’t go! I’ve scared you! I’ve said too much! I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love! [as Janice runs out the door, Chandler picks up the phone and dials a number] [calmly] Hey, Janice, it’s me. Yeah, I just wanted to apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. [he takes off out the door]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Chandler is sitting in the chair while Rachel and Monica console him.]
Rachel : Here you go, honey, [handing Chandler a tub of ice cream] this will help.
Chandler : So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship’s going too fast and we have to slow down.
[Rachel and Monica both groan.]
Monica : That is never good.
Chandler : Then I got all…needy and clingy.
Rachel : Waitaminute. Waitaminute. Maybe it’s not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler : She said she’d call me. [Rachel and Monica both groan again] Oh god.
Monica : Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler : This ice cream tastes like crap, by the way.
Rachel : Yeah, well, that’s that low-cal, non-dairy, soy-milk junk. We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
Monica : Yeah, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Rachel : Yeah, you do.
Chandler : So you don’t think I’m terminal?
Monica : Oh not at all. You’re not terminal. We just need some damage control.
Chandler : Okay. Okay. So, should I call her?
Rachel & Monica : No!
Rachel : Very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, you go shoe shopping. You get your butt in a bubble bath. If you want her back, you have got to start acting aloof.
Monica : She has to know that you’re not needy.
Rachel : Right. So what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose and then, act aloof.
Chandler : So, I’m not gonna lose her?
Rachel : [going over to him and patting his head] Oh, honey, you’re not a total loser.
Chandler : I said “so I’m not gonna lose her.”
Rachel : Oh.
[Scene: Later, still in Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross is sitting at the table trying to get Ben to give up his Barbie.]
Ross : Guess who’s here? It’s the toughest guy in toyland, Ben. [singing] Real American Hero, I’m G.I.Joe. [talking] Drop the Barbie. Drop the Barbie.
[Rachel comes out of her bedroom carrying a laundry basket.]
Rachel : G.I.Joe? You really think he’s gonna fall for that.
[Joey barges in and sees the G.I.Joe doll.]
Joey : [excitedly] G.I.Joe? Cool. Can I play?
Ross : Look, Ben, it’s a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas.
Joey & Ross : GO JOE!
[Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe : Hello.
Joey : Phoebe? There you are.
Phoebe : No, it’s not. Sorry. [she turns and leaves quickly]
Joey : Phoebe, wait! Phoebe! [he chases her out into the hall]
Phoebe : Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see, I didn’t recognize you in those…pants.
Joey : Listen, that TV movie I went in for. Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe : Yes, they called. You didn’t get it! Okay, I mean, you didn’t get it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Joey : [sadly] It’s okay. These things happen.
Phoebe : But they shouldn’t happen. You know what? You’re in a terrible, terrible business. Oh god, I don’t want to be the person who makes your face look like that.
Joey : I’m okay. See? [tries to make a happier face]
Phoebe : Now you’re sad and creepy. Ooh. You know what? I’m sorry. I quit. Okay?
Joey : No. No. You can’t quit! You’re the best agent I ever had. Look, Pheebs, rejection is part of being an actor. You can’t take it personal.
Phoebe : Not personal? Really? Well, they said they’d never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey : They actually said that?
Phoebe : Yeah. Oh, god, there’s that face again. See? I can’t do this job, I can’t.
Joey : No. No. This is why you have to do this job. Agents always lie. You know? Estelle just says stuff like “they went another way.” But this, I can use this. [in a horrible Italian accent] I canna work ona you accenta.
Phoebe : Yeah. Okay. If it helps you, okay.
[Just then, Ross slowly runs out of the apartment with a bandanna around his head.]
Ross : [slowly] You’ll never get me, Joe.
[He then fakes some gunshots and plays dead, all for the benefit of young Ben.]
[Scene: A grocery store. Janice is shopping and Chandler is spying on her.]
Janice : [to clerk] No. Thank you.
[She turns and walks up an aisle and sees Chandler.]
Janice : Chandler?
Chandler : [trying to sound aloof] Hello, Janice.
Janice : What are you doing here?
Chandler : [in aloof voice] Just a bit of shopping. How have you been?
Janice : Are you being British?
Chandler : [in regular voice] No. Not anymore.
Janice : Why are you shopping here? You don’t live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Chandler : Ya-huh. I’m just picking up some things for a party? [he picks up a bag from a shelf]
Janice : Barley? What kind of a party serves barley?
Chandler : Well, I’m sorry if my friends aren’t as sophisticated as yours.
Janice : Where is this party?
Chandler : Here in Chelsea.
Janice : Whose party is it?
Chandler : A woman.
Janice : What woman?
Chandler : Chelsea.
Janice : Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you’re seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet, or else, you’re pretending that you’re seeing somebody which just makes you so pathetic I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So, which of these two guys do you want to be?
Chandler : [pointing to a guy walking by] Couldn’t I be that guy?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe : Okay, here. We got some more good rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
Joey : Okay. Shoot.
Phoebe : Okay. The zoo commercial.
Joey : I didn’t get it?
Phoebe : [reading from note] No. They said that you “weren’t believable as a human being.” Work on that. [hands him the slip of paper]
Joey : [reluctantly] Okay. What else?
Phoebe : [reading from note] The off-Broadway play people said that you were pretty, but dumb.
Joey : [happily] Oh.
Phoebe : Oh no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s “pretty dumb.”
Joey : No. It’s okay. Really. Look, I really appreciate this, Pheebs, but I think I’m gonna have to go back to Estelle. No. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a better agent than she is, but at least with her, I don’t wanna blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Phoebe : No. I understand.
Joey : You do? Thanks. [Phoebe puts the notes in her purse] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you just make up all that stuff up to get out of being my agent?
Phoebe : Ooh, you caught me. I am so busted.
Joey : [in horrible Italian accent] That’sa what I suspected-a.
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is laying up on the kitchen counter. Rachel and Monica are there trying to comfort him.]
Chandler : And then, I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her and ran out of the store.
Monica : My god, Chandler, we said “be aloof”, not “be a doof.”
Chandler : I’ve actually ruined this, haven’t I? It’s time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel : Yeah it is. [she goes to get the good ice cream]
Monica : Know what? Everything’s gonna be okay.
[Just then, the phone rings.]
Chandler : [picking up phone] Hello. [pause] Hi, Janice. Can you hold on for a second? [pause] Okay. [he covers the receiver] What do I do?
Rachel : I don’t know. This is totally unprecedented!
Monica : If we ever did what you did, a man would never call!
Chandler : [wagging phone impatiently] Hello!!!
Rachel : Okay, I got it. Pretend you just woke up.
Monica : That’ll throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel : Yes. And grumpy.
Chandler : What do you…? Stop naming dwarfs! [talking to Janice on phone] Hello Janice. Hi. I’m so glad you called. [pause] I know I’ve been acting really weird…lately…and it’s just because I’m crazy about you. And uh, I just got stupid, and scared, and stupid a couple more times, and…I’m sorry. [pause] Really? [laughs] Really?
Rachel : He is so lucky. If Janice were a guy, she’d be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Chandler : [on phone] I love you too.
Monica : Ooh! So unfair!
[Rachel and Monica pull spoons out of the drawer and eat the ice cream.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Susan and Carol are picking up Ben who is now clutching his G.I.Joe doll.]
Carol : G.I.Joe? G.I.Joe?
Ross : Hey, I don’t know what to tell you guys. That’s the doll he chose.
Susan : What’d you do? Dip it in sugar?
Ross : Look. G.I.Joe’s in. Barbie’s out. If you guys can’t deal with it, that’s just your too bad.
Monica : What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie. Big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
Ross : What?
Monica : You used to dress up in mom’s clothes all the time.
Ross : What are you talking about?
Monica : The big hat? The pearls? The little pink handbag?
Ross : Okay. You are totally making this up.
Monica : How can you not remember? You made us call you Bea.
Ross : Oh god.
Susan : I’ve literally never been this happy.
Monica : Wasn’t there a little song?
Carol : Oh please, god, let there be a song.
Ross : There was no song! There was no song! [Ross goes into the bathroom]
Monica : [singing and chasing Ross toward the bathroom] I am Bea. I drink tea. Won’t you…[trying to think] won’t you… won’t you…
Ross : [comes out of bathroom] Won’t you dance around with me.
[They all laugh, except Ross, who backs into the bathroom.]
[Scene: A home video with a young Ross dressed in woman’s clothes playing around a table with tea cups.]
Young Ross : [singing] I am Bea. I drink tea. Won’t you dance around with…
[He spills the tea, starts crying, and walks away. Young Monica comes up on the scene.]
Young Monica : Ross!