[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is sitting in the living room reading a book. A sound of bed springs going up and down can be heard coming from Joey’s bedroom. Then, a scream and a loud thud are heard coming from the room. Chandler gets up and runs over to the door, opens it, and looks in.]
Chandler : See, Joe, that’s why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is in the kitchen working over a pot. The room is filled with jars and fruit in crates. Rachel and Ross are coming in.]
Monica : [to Ross and Rachel] Hey! Look at me! I’m making jam! Been at it since four o’clock this morning.
Ross : Where’d you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica : Went down to the docks. Bet you didn’t know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel : I didn’t know there were docks.
[There’s a knock at the door. Chandler and Joey walk in. Joey has his arm in a sling. They all exchanges ‘heys’.]
Ross : [to Joey] Oh. Is it broken?
Joey : No. I gotta wear this thing [pointing to sling] for a couple weeks.
Rachel : Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey : No. Had a whole story worked out, but then uh, Chandler sold me out.
Chandler : Well, I’m sorry Joe. I didn’t think the doctor was gonna buy that it just fell out of the socket.
Joey : What is this? [picks up an piece of fruit from a crate] Fruit?
Rachel : Monica’s making jam.
Joey : [excited] Whoa! Jam! I love jam! [to Chandler] Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler : [mock crying] Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica : [while working over jars and pots] Goin’ into business, people. I’m sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan…a plan to get over my man. What’s the opposite of man? Jam.
[Joey goes over to the cooking pot and takes a spoonful of jam out. Monica rushes over as he is putting it in his mouth.]
Monica : Oh Joey! Don’t! It’s way too hot!
[Joey, tasting that the jam is way too hot, spits it back into the pot. After realizing what he’s done, he looks down at the pot.]
Joey : This’ll just be my batch.
[Scene: A city street. Phoebe is walking down the street, being trailed by a man dressed all in black. Every time she looks back, he plays it off like he’s doing something else. As he passes a flower vendor, she looks back and he hurriedly buys some flowers to avoid being noticed. She turns and continues walking and he follows.]
Phoebe : Uh, that’s it. [she turns to face pursuer] No. Hey, you! J. Crew guy. Yeah, why have you been following me? I mean, all week long, everywhere I look, there’s you.
Pursuer : You wouldn’t return my calls. You sent back my letters.
Phoebe : What?
Pursuer : One more chance, Ursula. [begging] Please.
Phoebe : Oh. Oh. Ooh, this is awkward. Umm, see you want Ursula and I’m Phoebe. Twin sisters. Seriously.
Pursuer : Oh, that’s great. I’m stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! [he sits on some nearby steps]
Phoebe : You’re not a dingus.
Pursuer : I just want you to know. I didn’t use to be like this. Before I met your sister, I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Phoebe : I mean, look, it’s not your fault, you know. This is what she does to guys. [she sits next to him]
Pursuer : Thanks. [he gets up to leave, but Phoebe pulls him back down]
Phoebe : Hey, you know what? I got a little story. When I was in junior high school, I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me that I think will help you a lot. He said, “okay, you’re not a witch, you’re just an average student.” See what I’m saying.
Pursuer : [nodding] Not really.
Phoebe : Um, well, get over it. Well, you seem like a really nice guy, you know, just don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay? [she gets up to leave]
Pursuer : [getting up] You’re right. I know you’re right. And thanks for being so nice. Here. [hands flowers to Phoebe]
Phoebe : Hey, thanks a lot. [pause] Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
Pursuer : Yeah, okay.
Phoebe : Okay. [as they start to leave, he walks a couple steps behind her] You don’t have to walk behind me anymore.
Pursuer : Sorry.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are coming in. The apartment appears to be empty.]
Ross : Mon?
Rachel : Mon?
Rachel : [reading a note on the table] Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.
Ross : Wait a minute. Look. It’s an empty apartment. We’re all alone in an empty apartment.
[Ross grabs Rachel and starts nibbling and kissing on her.]
Rachel : Honey, come on, I have to be to work in like, ten minutes. [gives in] And oh, all right. Well, it’s not like I’m employee of the year or anything.
[They fall back on the couch and start making out. Suddenly, Chandler bursts in. Ross and Rachel jump up and pretend to be looking at something on the couch.]
Ross : [pointing on couch] There it is.
Rachel : Oh, that’s what you’re talking about. [to Chandler] Oh, hi.
Ross : [to Chandler] Hi.
Chandler : Do I look fat?
Ross & Rachel : No.
Chandler : Okay. I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Rachel : Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.
Chandler : Okay, well, Janice said “Hi. Do I look fat today?” and I looked at her…
Ross : Whoa. Whoa. You looked at her? [Ross and Rachel look at each other and laugh] You never look. You just answer. It’s like a reflex. “Do I look fat?” “No.” “Is she prettier than I am?” “No.” “Does size matter?”
Rachel : “No.”
Ross : And it works both ways.
Chandler : Okay. So you both just know this stuff?
Rachel : You know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross : Okay, for instance, let’s say Janice is coming back from a trip. And she gives you two options. Option number one: she’ll take a cab home from the airport, or option number two: you can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
Chandler : That’s easy. Baggage claim.
Ross : [making a buzzer sound] Ahhhh! Wrong. Now you’re single. It’s actually secret option number three: you meet her at the gate. That way, she knows you love her.
Chandler : Okay, this is good. This is good. Alright, listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle at night, which I am all for. But when you wanna go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how can I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something?
Rachel : Sorry, honey, we can’t help you there. [in a cute, sugary voice] We’re cuddly sleepers. [Ross and Rachel kiss] [noticing the time] Okay, I’m late for work. Are you guys gonna come down?
Ross : Uh, yeah. I’m right behind ya.
Rachel : Okay. Good luck Chandler.
Chandler : Thank you, Rachel.
Ross : Goodbye, sweetie.
[As she closes the door, Ross turns to Chandler.]
Ross : Okay, the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler : I thought you guys were [imitating Rachel] cuddly sleepers.
Ross : No! No. Not cuddly. Not me, just her. I’m like you. I need the room. Okay, come here. [they sit real close to each other on the couch] Okay. You’re in bed.
Chandler : Yeah.
Ross : [suddenly very uncomfortable with the closeness] I’m gonna use the cushion.
Chandler : Yeah.
Ross : [grabbing a large cushion and hugging it like a woman] Okay, you’re in bed. She’s over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her, and roll her over [he rolls the cushion] to her side of the bed. And then, you roll away. Hug for her. [demonstrating again] Roll for you.
Chandler : Okay, the old hug-and-roll.
Ross : Yep.
Chandler : Okay, one question. You’re pretending the pillow is a girl, right?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting at a table eating jam on a pastry. Rachel is standing there at the table. Ross and Chandler are on the couch.]
Joey : Remember when you were a kid, and your mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon.
Rachel : [gazing] You’re so pretty.
[Phoebe walks in. They all greet her and she walks over by Joey at the table he’s sitting at.]
Phoebe : [to the gang] Hi. Hey, oh, you know that guy who’s been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey : [with a mouthful of jam and pastry] You talked to him? Are you crazy? [spraying pastry toward Phoebe]
Phoebe : Okay, first, I’m not crazy and second, say it, don’t spray it. Anyway, his name is Malcolm and he wasn’t following me. I mean, he was, but just cause he thought I was Ursula, ick, and that’s why, that’s why he couldn’t just come up and talk to me. [pause] Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler : Hmm. Not feeling better about Malcolm.
Phoebe : No. No. No. He’s not like, a kook. No. He’s just, like very passionate, incredibly romantic guy that got just a teensy bit carried away. You know. And we just get along really well. And he’s so cute.
Ross : Oh my god, you’ve got a crush on your sister’s stalker.
Phoebe : No. I’m just gonna help him, you know, get de-Ursulaized. Like you know, I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey : [still with mouth full] I didn’t stalk her, I mean. [spraying more pastry toward Phoebe]
Phoebe : I asked for the news, not the weather.
[Just then, Monica walks in. They all greet her.]
Monica : Hey guys. [goes over to Joey and gives him a jar of jam] Joey, this is for you. It’s blackberry-currant.
Joey : Awww. [takes a taste] Ooohhh.
Chandler : Hey Joe, I gotta ask. [holds up one hand] The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked. [holds up other hand] Or a big tub of jam.
Joey : Put your hands together.
Monica : Joey, take your time with that. That’s my last batch.
Joey : [with a worried look, voice breaking] No more jam?
Rachel : Well, what happened with your jam plan?
Monica : I figured out that I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even, so I’ve got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler : Oh, you’re gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross : What are you talking about?
Monica : I’m talking about me having a baby.
Rachel : Are you serious?
Monica : Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was I was taking control of my life. So, I asked myself what is the most important thing to me in the world and that’s when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross : Well, aren’t you forgetting something? What is that guy’s name? Dad.
Monica : It took me twenty-eight years to find one man that I want to spend my life with. If I have to wait another twenty-eight years, then I’ll be fifty-six before I can have a baby. And that’s just stupid.
Chandler : That’s what’s stupid.
Monica : I don’t need an actual man. Just a couple of his best swimmers. And there are places that you can go to get that…stuff.
Rachel : Down to the docks again?
[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom. Janice and Chandler are cuddling in bed.]
Janice : Night-night, Bing-a-Ling.
Chandler : Night-night, [pause] Janice. (in head) Look at all that room on her side. You could fit a giant penguin over there. That’d be weird, though. Okay. Hug-and-roll time. [he hugs Janice and rolls her over to her side of the bed] I’m huggin’, I’m huggin’, you’re rollin’, and…yes! Freedom! Except for this arm. I’m stuck…stuck arm. Okay. Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like cat. Quick like a cat. And one. Two. Three. [he yanks his arm out from under Janice, sending her flying onto the floor with a thud]
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Malcolm are sitting on the couch.]
Malcolm : Here’s my binoculars. [hands them to Phoebe]
Phoebe : Great. Doing great. Real strong. Going strong. Go on.
Malcolm : These are my night vision goggles. [hands the goggles to Phoebe] This is the book I pretend to read when I’m watching her in the park. [gives her the book] And these are mad libs…they’re just for fun.
Phoebe : Oh yeah. What’s this? [holding up a notebook]
Malcolm : This is the log I kept recording her every movement. You want to hear something from it?
Phoebe : Not even a little bit.
Malcolm : It’s about you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay then. [hands him the notebook]
Malcolm : [reading from book] I met Phoebe today. She is really nice to me, even though I am such a loser. And then when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot. It was weird, but kinda cool. [closes the notebook]
Phoebe : Good. So, what were you thinking?
Malcolm : I was thinking what it’d be like to kiss you.
Phoebe : Really?
Malcolm : No. See that’s just something I said now so that maybe I can kiss you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay. [they kiss]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is coming out of the bedroom. Joey and Chandler are in the kitchen. Ross is sitting on the couch. Rachel is in the chair. Joey offers Chandler some jam.]
Chandler : No, it’s alright. I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica : [coming out of bedroom] Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down. Okay, 6’2″, 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler : You mean there’s more than one of us.
Ross : You can’t do this, Mon. If you do this, I’m gonna…
Monica : You’re gonna what?
Ross : I’m gonna tell Mom.
Rachel : Honey, I’m sorry, but he’s right. I love you, but you’re crazy.
Ross : [agreeing] Crazy.
Monica : What? Why? Why is this crazy? So, this isn’t the ideal way to do something…
Ross : [interrupting] Oh, it’s not the ideal way…
Monica : Lips moving, still talking… it may not be ideal, but I’m so ready. Now I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache. You know?
Joey : Check it out [dipping his crackers into the jam and displaying it like it’s a new discovery]…jam crackers.
Monica : Okay. Alright, how’s this? [reading from paper] Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy, he’s an actor. Born in Queens. Wow. Big family. Seven sisters and he’s the only boy…[they all look over at Joey, who is totally engRossed with his jam] oh my god, under personal comments, “New York Knicks rule.”
Joey : [looking up] Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Monica : Joey, this is you.
Joey : [walking over and looking at paper] Let me see. [reads the paper] Alright.
Rachel : When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey : Right after that I did that sex study down at NYU. [to Chandler] Hey, remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler : And that’s how you bought it?
Joey : No. That’s what I was wearing when I donated. I’m kinda surprised there’s any of my boys left.
Monica : Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean, I’ve got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey : Maybe I should call this place and get ’em to put my “Days Of Our Lives” gig on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
[Phoebe comes in. Everybody does the ‘hey’ thing.]
Ross : How’s the maniac?
Phoebe : Oh. He’s yummy. We did a little kissin’.
Rachel : Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe : Oh. No, no, no. You know what, he’s not into that stuff anymore. He quit, for me.
Rachel : Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister for god knows how long. Okay, you don’t just give up something like that.
Phoebe : Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Ross : You’re taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Phoebe : Wha? He’s not still following her. You think he’s still following her?
Chandler : Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Phoebe : What are you saying I should do?
Monica : I think that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Phoebe : Thank you, Monica.
Joey : Or, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Monica : Oh, that’s what I would do. Forget mine.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working and Janice is coming in pushing her stroller with kid on board. She has a bandage on her wrist.]
Rachel : Oh my god, what happened?
Janice : Oh god, crazy Chandler, he spun me off the bed.
Rachel : Wow, spinning, that sounds like fun.
Janice : Oh. [annoying laugh] I wish. No, he was just trying Ross’ hug-and-roll thing.
Rachel : [questioningly] Ross’ what?
Janice : You know, where he hugs you and then he kinda rolls you away. [realizing she has said something she probably shouldn’t have] And…oh…my…god.
[Scene: Subway station. Malcolm is walking down the dock, Phoebe trailing behind him. She sneaks around so he doesn’t see her. He turns to go the other way and sees her behind a trash can.]
Malcolm : Phoebe?
Phoebe : Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcolm : What are you doing?
Phoebe : I was just looking for my…my [searching for anything] part of an old sandwich. Here it is! [pulls sandwich out of garbage can]
Malcolm : Were you following me?
Phoebe : Um, perhaps…yes, yes…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
Malcolm : So you spied on me. I can’t believe you don’t trust me.
[Just then, Ursula walks by not noticing Phoebe or Malcolm.]
Phoebe : Oh, well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister. Just walking along, looking like me. What, is this just, like a freakish coincidence or did you know that she takes this train?
Malcolm : I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. I’m so pathetic.
Phoebe : No. No. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s partly my fault. Cause I made you quit cold turkey. Okay, well, I can’t date you anymore, cause you’re, you know , wow [makes a wild gesture with her hands], but I will definitely definitely help you get over my sister. Okay? Stalk me for awhile. Huh? And I’ll be like an Ursula patch.
Malcolm : I don’t know.
Phoebe : Look, I’m going…come on. Ooh, ooh, behind the pillar. Which way am I gonna go? Ahh…
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey is just coming in. Monica is getting ready to leave. They exchange ‘heys.’]
Joey : Where you going?
Monica : To the bank.
Joey : Sperm or regular?
Monica : Sperm.
Joey : So, you’re really doin’ it, huh?
Monica : Oh yeah, picked a guy. 37135.
Joey : Sounds nice.
Monica : I’d say so. Brown hair, green eyes.
Joey : No kidding? Hmmph…
Monica : What?
Joey : I figured you woulda picked a blond guy.
Monica : Really? Why?
Joey : I don’t know. I always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart, blond guys named like, Hoyt.
Monica : Hoyt?
Joey : It’s a name. [smiles] Yeah. I saw you in this great house with a big pool.
Monica : Is he a swimmer?
Joey : [grinning] He’s got the body for it.
Monica : [smiling] I like that.
[Joey visualizes something in his head and starts laughing and pointing at Monica.]
Monica : What?
Joey : You guys have one of those signs that says “we don’t swim in your toilet, so don’t pee in our pool.”
Monica : We do not have one of those signs.
Joey : Sure you do. It was a gift from me. Oh…oh! And you have these three great kids.
Monica : Two girls and a boy. [she sits at the table]
Joey : Yeah. [he sits down at table too]
Monica : And they wear those little water wings, you know, and they’re running around on the deck and then, Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Joey : Sure. [noticing that Monica has stopped smiling, and looks very sad] But hey, you know, this way sounds good too.
Monica : [looking very sad and depressed] Yeah.
[Joey gets up and stands behind Monica and puts his arm around her. They stay there in silence for a moment. He looks down at the paper on the table.]
Joey : Wow, this guy’s an astronaut. That woulda been cool. [seeing Monica and remembering her feelings] For like a day.
[He puts his arm around her again quickly and they stay that way silently.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table with Joey who is eating jam. Chandler is on the couch.]
Joey : [to Rachel] I called the sperm bank today. They haven’t sold a single unit of Tribbiani. Nobody wants my product. [he tips back the jam jar and spills jam all over his face, unaware that he has spilled any] I mean, I don’t get it. Maybe if they met me in person.
Rachel : Honey, you’ve got a little thing on your… [pointing to cheek]
Joey : [he wipes off a tiny spot, missing almost all of it] Get it?
Rachel : Yeah.
Ross : [walking in] Hello. [looks at Joey with jam all over his face]
Rachel : [giving Ross the cold shoulder] Hello.
Ross : Hey, uh, Chan, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler : Sure. What’s up?
Ross : Just one additional relationship thought. Something you’re probably already familiar with. Women talk. [hits Chandler with magazine]