[Scene: This entire episode takes place in Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey is looking in the fridge; Chandler is sitting in the chair in the living room.]
Joey : Alright, I got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider…
Chandler : Taste it.
Joey : [takes a drink] Yep. It’s fat! I drank fat!
Chandler : Yeah, I know. I did that two minutes ago.
[Ross walks in, wearing a tuxedo.]
Ross : Hey.
Chandler : Hey, Mr. Tux.
Ross : Why aren’t you guys dressed?
Joey : We have a half-hour.
Ross : No. Four minutes ago, you had a half-hour. We have to be out the door at twenty to eight.
Joey : Relax, Ross. We’ll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
Ross : Well, you know, I’d feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.
Chandler & Joey : Okay. [they both remain sitting]
[Rachel comes from the bathroom, out into the living room area, in her robe.]
Rachel : Hey hey. Oh, look at you, all sexy.
Ross : Really?
Rachel : Oooh…wow. Hi. [they embrace]
Ross : Hi.
Rachel : How come you didn’t come over earlier?
Ross : Cause I’m a stupid, stupid man.
Joey : [offering the glass of fat] Hey, Ross…want some cider?
Ross : No. [turning back to Rachel] So, let’s see. You’re pretty close. Make-up’s on, hair is done.
Rachel : Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
Ross : Yea. And that takes, what, just six or seven minutes?
Rachel : Yeah, once I figure out what I’m wearing. [walks into her bedroom and closes door]
Joey : [to Ross] Glass of fat?
[Scene: Still Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Chandler has left. Just Ross and Joey; Joey is in the chair Chandler was sitting in.]
Joey : What’s the matter, Ross? What, are you nervous about your speech?
Ross : [nervously] Nope. You wanna hear it?
Joey : Am I in it?
Ross : Uh-huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
[Phoebe walks in a very pretty yellow full-length dress.]
Phoebe : Hello.
Ross : Hey.
Joey : Whoa.
Ross : You look great.
Phoebe : Thank you. I know, though.
Ross : You see this? This is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe, you are my star.
Phoebe : Ooh, well you’re my lucky penny.
[Chandler walks out from the bathroom holding an issue of Cosmopolitan.]
Chandler : Alright, I took the quiz and it turns out, I do put career before men. [to Joey, sitting in the chair] Get up.
Joey : What?
Chandler : You’re in my seat.
Joey : How is this your seat?
Chandler : Cause I was sitting there.
Joey : But then you left.
Chandler : Well, it’s not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom. You knew I was coming back.
Joey : What’s the big deal? Sit somewhere else.
Chandler : The big deal is I was sitting there last. So, it’s my seat.
Joey : Actually, the last place you were sitting was in there. [points to the bathroom]
Ross : You guys, you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because you both have to get dressed before the big vein in my head pops. So…
Chandler : [to Ross] Alright, Ross, I just have to do one thing really quickly, it’s not a big deal, [to Joey, still in the chair] GET UP!
[Monica comes into the apartment carrying a couple bags.]
Monica : Hi.
Phoebe : Hey.
Monica : Ooh, Phoebe, you look great.
Phoebe : Alright, already.
Monica : [looking at Ross in tuxedo] Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
Ross : That’s funny. Change.
Monica : Hold on a second, I just got in.
Ross : Look, I don’t care. It starts at eight. We can’t be late.
Phoebe : We could not, would not, want to wait.
Ross : Look, our table is down in front. Okay, my boss is going to be there. Everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.
Monica : Has somebody been drinking my fat?
[Joey and Chandler look at each other.]
Rachel : [walking out into the living room] You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe : I don’t know. You might be the first one.
Monica : Rach, did you check the machine?
Rachel : Uh, no. Wait, you know what? This is the outfit that makes my calves look fat…never mind. [walks back into bedroom]
Chandler : Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It’s called “Get Up.”
Joey : Alright, you can have the chair.
Chandler : Really?
Joey : Would you look at that? [laughs] Look at that! [pulls his hand out from behind his back where his fingers are cRossed]
[Monica checks the messages on the answering machine. One beep.]
Phoebe (on machine) : Hi, it’s me. I’m coming over now. Hey, what if I’m already there when you’re playing this message?
Phoebe (in person) : Is that too spooky?
Ross (on machine) : Hi, Rach. Are you there? It’s me. Pick up. Rachel! Rach!
Rachel : [coming out of bedroom] What?
Ross (in person) : Never mind.
Richard (on machine) : Monica, it’s Richard. Call me.
Monica : Is that message old or new? [nobody speaks] Old or new, old or new!?!?
Ross : It’s old. It’s definitely old. Didn’t you hear the double beep?
Monica : But what if it’s new? I mean, we agreed not to talk. He could have something really important to say. Shouldn’t I call him back?
Chandler : Honey, you did call him back cause it’s really old.
Ross : Yeah, see Mon, listen. Listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing, and you know what I did. I got dressed. Really really quickly. Okay, there we go. There we go. [sends Monica toward her bedroom and Rachel toward hers]
Chandler : [to Joey] You know what, okay, fine, don’t get up. You just sit right there. I just hope you don’t mind, you know, my hand right here. [places his hand directly in front of Joey’s face] Oh, look, not touching, can’t get mad. Not touching, can’t get mad. Not touching, can’t get mad.
[While Joey is moving around, Chandler is moving his hand around to get in front of Joey’s face. Inadvertently, the horseplay gets rough and Joey’s hand hits Chandler’s arm, sending hummus toward Phoebe, landing on her dress near her left shoulder.]
Phoebe : Oh my god!!! You…rotten boys!!!
Chandler & Joey : Sorry Phoebe. Sorry Phoebe. Sorry Phoebe.
Phoebe : What am I gonna do?
Ross : No, no! Don’t rub it! [shouting and clapping] What gets out hummus? What gets out hummus?
Phoebe : Monica! Monica! You know, what gets out hummus?
Monica : [coming out of bedroom] If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?
Phoebe : Okay, thanks. Yeah, I’ll try that.
Chandler : Maybe he’s calling to say you’re obsessive and crazy.
Monica : So, should I call him back?
Eveybody : No! No!
[Monica goes back to her bedroom.]
Chandler : [to Joey] Alright, fine. You know what? We’ll both sit in the chair.
Joey : Fine with me.
[Chandler sits down on top of Joey.]
Chandler : I am so comfortable.
Joey : Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler : Alright. [Chandler jumps up off Joey]
Ross : Okay, look. We have nineteen minutes. Okay. Chandler, I want you to go and change. Okay. And then when you come back, Joey will go change. And he’ll have vacated the chair. Okay? Okay.
Chandler : Alright, fine, I’m going. But when I get back, it’s Chair City and I’m the guy who’s… sitting in the chair! [barges out]
Rachel : [coming out of bedroom] Is this a little too [looks up and notices Phoebe’s stained dress] Pheebs, what happened?
Phoebe : Oh, this. I got the hummus.
Rachel : Oh, honey, we’ll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?
Phoebe : It won’t go with this dress though.
Rachel : No, you’re right. We’ll find you something. Let’s just get you out of that.
Ross : No. No. No. Not out of that. Not out of clothes!
Rachel : [to Monica, who has just come in] Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?
Monica : I called him. [everybody gasps] I got his machine and I left him a message. But it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. Because you know, it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy. [pause] Oh god, what if it wasn’t breezy?
Phoebe : How could it not be breezy? You know, cause you’re in such a breezy place.
Monica : I got it. I will play my message for you guys and you can tell me if it’s breezy enough.
Joey : Monica, how are you gonna do that?
Monica : I know the code to his answering machine.
Ross : Okay, Mon, I really don’t think this is the… [seeing that she is picking up the phone] Okay, you’re dialing. You are dialing.
[Chandler comes in, dressed in his suit, and sees the empty chair. At the same time, Joey sees that he sees it is empty. They both run for the chair, but Joey lands in it first.]
Richard (on machine) : Hi. This is Richard. Please leave a message at the tone.
[Phone beeps. Monica enters the code.]
Machine : You have two new messages.
Joey : Wow, what a cool job. [mimicking the answering machine voice] You have two new messages…Please pass the pie.
Monica (on machine) : Hi, it’s Monica. I’m just checking in cause I got this message from you and I didn’t know if it was old or new or what. So, I’m just checking. So, let me know. Or don’t. Whatever. I’m breezy.
Joey : Hey, you can’t say you’re breezy. That totally negates the breezy.
[Machine beeps and begins second message.]
Woman’s voice : Hola. It’s me. Yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay?
[Everybody stares at machine.]
Joey : Now she sounded breezy.
Monica : He’s seeing someone. I can’t believe he’s seeing someone.
Phoebe : Monica, you don’t know that.
Monica : Well, whose voice was that?
Chandler : Maybe it was his sister’s. You know. Maybe it was his daughter’s.
Monica : Michelle. Of course, it was Michelle. Did it sound like Michelle?
Ross : [looking out the window] Oh, great. It’s starting to rain. That’ll make it easier to get a cab.
Monica : It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
Rachel : Okay, Pheebs, you go with Monica. [Monica and Phoebe go to Mon’s bedroom] Try on her green dress. If that doesn’t work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh god, what am I gonna wear?
Ross : You don’t know what you’re wearing?
Rachel : Honey, I’m just trying to look nice for your big night.
Ross : Which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes…come on, I’ll just pick something out for you. [Ross and Rachel go to Rachel’s bedroom]
Chandler : [to Joey, still sitting in the chair] Alright, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So, in the words of A.A. Milne, “get out of my chair, dillhole.”
Joey : Okay.
[Joey gets up, takes the back and seat cushions from the chair, stuffs them under his arm and heads for the door.]
Chandler : What are you doing?
Joey : Well, you said I had to give you the chair. You didn’t say anything the cushions.
Chandler : The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Joey : That’s right. I’m taking the essence. [barges out]
Chandler : Ho-ho, he’ll be back. [seeing no one around] Ho-ho, there’s nobody in the room.
Ross : [coming out of Rachel’s bedroom with Rachel] I’m sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel : Ross, that was a Halloween costume. Unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross : Look, I didn’t recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel : Which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Phoebe : [coming in with a sundress draped over her regular dress] Oh, Rach. Good, listen, isn’t this perfect for me?
Rachel : Oh, it’s perfect. But not for tonight.
Phoebe : Oh, of course not for tonight.
Ross : Not for tonight? What are you doing?
Rachel : No. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. Breathe. [Rachel and Phoebe go to her bedroom]
Chandler : [to Ross] We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross : What?
Chandler : The sheep.
Ross : What you do on your own time…
Joey : [barging in, heads toward Chandler] Where’s my underwear?
Ross : Whoa, whoa. Come on, you took his underwear?
Chandler : He took my essence!
Ross : Okay, hold on. Joey, why can’t you wear the underwear you’re wearing now?
Joey : Cause I’m not wearing any underwear now.
Ross : Okay, uhm, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey : It’s a rented tux. I’m not gonna go commando in another man’s fatigues.
Chandler : Well, then it looks like somebody is going to have to give somebody back his cushions.
Joey : Okay. You hide my clothes. I’m gonna do the exact opposite to you.
Chandler : What? Are you gonna show me my clothes?
Joey : Hey, opposite…is opposite. [barges out]
Chandler : He’s got nothing!
Phoebe : Okay, I’m ready.
[Phoebe comes out, but covering the hummus stain is a giant Christmas decoration with red ribbons, and garland, and all that. It’s pretty large. The guys both start gasping and gapping when they see it.]
Phoebe : Rachel didn’t have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, “alright, fine, I’ll be political.”
Chandler : What are you supporting?
Phoebe : Duh. Christmas.
Ross : Okay, hey, that’s okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve min.. [noticing that his watch has stopped] My watch stopped. Okay, see, the dinosaur tail isn’t going around anymore. What time is it? It’s 7:33. I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes…
Rachel : [coming out of bedroom holding shoes] Okay, Pheebs, quick, which shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? The purple ones?
Ross : [getting very anxious and upset] Just pick one. Okay.
Phoebe : Okay. The black. Oh, but do you have black with little strappies?
Rachel : Yeah, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants.
Ross : [now very anxious and extremely upset] Yeah, pants, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how bout you go without any pants. Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet. Okay? No. No. I don’t care if they match. I don’t care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay? No. No. Just do it. Go in there. Pick something out so we can go.
Rachel : [calmly] Alright. [she turns and goes back to bedroom]
Ross : Thank you.
Monica : [coming in] Okay, I’ve gotta call Michelle. I’ve gotta see if that was her voice or not. I’m sorry. I just have to.
Ross : It was. It was her voice.
Chandler : Monica, I think you’ve gone over to the bad place.
[Monica dials Michelle’s number and switches the phone over to speaker.]
Michelle : Hola. Hello. Hello.
[Monica hangs up.]
Monica : Okay. That was her, right? [everybody agrees] So, there you go. Wooo. We’re out of the woods. I think I’ll get dressed now.
Phoebe : I’ll get it. Okay. [picks up phone] Hi. Monica and Rachel’s. [pause] Yeah. Just a second. Can I ask who’s calling? [pause] Oh. [places hand over mouthpiece] Ooh. It’s Michelle. Ooh. She must have that Caller ID thing? You should get that.
Monica : Uh, Michelle. [pause] Yeah, that was me. I dialed your number by mistake. [pause] You’re so sweet. [pause] Yeah, we were a great couple. [pause] I know. I really miss him. [pause] Well, you know how it is…[leaves room talking on phone]
Chandler : [to Phoebe] Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he getting out of the shower, he always pulls a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Monica : [comes back in, still on phone] …Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my own message. I mean, that’s allowed. [pause] Yuh-uh! You know, I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell your dad… [pause] What do you mean you don’t feel comfortable with this? Come on! We’re friends! [dial tone] That bitch always hated me. I’m gonna call her back.
Ross : No. No. Tick, tick, tick.
Monica : Okay. Fine. [heads toward her bedroom]
Chandler : You got a phone in there, right?
Phoebe : Okay, we’re on it. We’re on it.
[Phoebe and Chandler jump up and run into Monica’s bedroom. Door closes. Rachel comes out of her bedroom. She’s wearing a pair of pants and a sweatshirt, obviously not dressed to go out. She also has a box with her. She walks over to the kitchen table and sits down.]
Ross : Um, I know it says “black tie optional”, but this may be pushing it a little. Um.
Rachel : I’m not gonna go.
Ross : You’re not gonna go.
Rachel : No. I think I’m gonna catch up on my correspondence.
Ross : How? How? How can you not be going?
Rachel : I’m not gonna go, so I think that will accomplish the not going.
Ross : Um, you know, just out of curiosity…
Rachel : Well, ever since, I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I’m just, I don’t know, not in a very, you know, museum, benefitty kind of mood.
Ross : Right. Okay. God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled.
Rachel : That’s fine.
Ross : No, you’re mad.
Rachel : I’m not mad. I’m just not going.
Ross : You’re not going? Okay. You know, that I have to go. So, is it going to be like I’m abandoning you while you’re upset?
Rachel : No.
Ross : No. Because you’re not upset.
Rachel : Right.
Ross : About the yelling?
Rachel : Right. And the humiliating.
Ross : Of course, the humiliating. So, we… we’re okay.
Rachel : Right.
Ross : Okay. Honey, I love you.
Rachel : Um-hum.
[Ross goes to kiss Rachel and she turns so he kisses the side of her head.]
Phoebe : [yelling from back bedroom] Get away from that phone! [screams]
[Phoebe walks out into the living room, holding phone and cord.]
Phoebe : [in calm voice] She’s just getting dressed.
Chandler : [coming out of back bedroom] Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?
[Just then, Joey barges in wearing several pairs of pants and shorts, a bunch of shirts, and a lot of ties.]
Joey : Okay, buddy-boy, here it is. You hide my clothes…I’m wearing everything you own.
Chandler : Oh my god, that is so not the opposite of taking somebody’s underwear!
Joey : Look at me, I’m Chandler… [mimicking Chandler] Could I be wearing anymore clothes? [back to regular voice] Maybe if I wasn’t going commando.
Chandler : [choked groaning] Oooohhh.
Joey : You know, it’s hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any lunges. [begin lunging forward and back alternating legs]
Ross : Okay. Okay. Enough. Enough with the lunging. No. I’m sick of this. I’ve had it up to here with you. Neither of you can come to the party.
Chandler : Geez, what a baby.
Joey : Yeah, Ross. Way to ruin it. I was just going to go get dressed.
Ross : You know what, I don’t care. The only person I cared about getting dressed is the one person that says she’s not even gonna go. [goes over to Rachel] Look, Rach, I’m sorry. Okay. Look, I was a jerk. Okay. I’m sorry I yelled. I want you there. I need you there. What can I do to show you how much I want you to be there?
Joey : You could drink the fat.
Ross : Alright, welcome to an adult conversation…
Rachel : No. No. No. Wait. Wait a minute. That actually sounds interesting.
Ross : What?
Rachel : I think you should drink the fat.
Joey : Yay.
Ross : Okay. Okay. If that’s what it takes to show you how much you mean to me and how much I want you there, then that’s what I’ll do.
Phoebe : Eww. Let me get you another glass. This one’s been sitting out.
Ross : I think this’ll be fine. Vanilla milkshake. Just a vanilla milkshake…with chicken bits floating in it. [raises cup] Cheers. [puts cup to lip]
Rachel : No…no… I’ll go. I’ll go.
Ross : You will.
Rachel : You were really gonna do that, weren’t you?
Ross : Well, yeah.
Rachel : [tearfully] You were gonna drink the fat.
Joey : Let’s see what else he’ll do.
Ross : [to Joey] How ’bout instead you go get changed. [to Chandler] You give him back his underwear. I’m gonna go get a cab. I want everyone downstairs in two minutes. Monica!
[Joey turns to leave and walks out lunging with Chandler in tow.]
Chandler : [to Joey] Stop it! Stop it!
Phoebe : Ross went to get a cab, so we could all…what are you doing? No, Monica, no!
[Monica is at the phone in the living room, dialing.]
Richard (on machine) : Hi, this is Richard.
[Monica keys in the access code.]
Machine : You have three new messages.
[Monica keys in some more numbers.]
Monica : Not anymore.
Machine : Message erased. [Monica keys more numbers] To record a message, begin speaking at the tone.
Monica : Hi, Richard. It’s Monica. Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight. Maybe I’m getting my period or something, I don’t know. Anyway, I beeped into your machine and I heard this message that freaked me out. You know what, Michelle will tell you the rest. I’m sorry, okay, and I hope that we can just forget the whole thing. Okay. Bye.
Machine : Your outgoing message has now been changed.
Monica : Outgoing? Did that say outgoing? Not outgoing!
[Monica hangs up the phone, then quickly redials.]
Monica (on machine) : Hi, Richard. It’s Monica. Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight. Maybe I’m getting my period or something, I don’t know.
Monica (in person) : No!!!
Phoebe : How did you do that?
Monica : I don’t know.
Ross : Okay, I’ve got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica : Phoebe, we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they could change his number.
Phoebe : I think after this, he’ll be doing that himself. [they both leave]
Ross : Rachel! [Rachel walks out looking beautiful in a green dress] Wow. You look…wow.
Rachel : And I still have about five seconds to spare. [they kiss] That was about seven seconds.
Ross : So we’re a little late.
Rachel : Come on…oh, and by the way, I’m going commando too.
Ross : Oooh.
[Scene: At the Museum Benefit. Ross is sitting at the table when an older gentleman approaches.]
Mr. Whitfield : Dr. Geller. Sherman Whitfield. London Institute.
Ross : [they shake hands] What a pleasure.
Mr. Whitfield : [sitting down at the table] I have to tell you. I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. It confirmed everything I had written.
Chandler : Excuse me. Hi.
Mr. Whitfield : Yes?
Chandler : You’re kinda sitting in my seat.
Mr. Whitfield : What do you mean, your seat?
Chandler : I meant I was sitting there.
Mr. Whitfield : But you got up.
Chandler : But I never left the room.
Mr. Whitfield : But you left the chair area.
Chandler : Alright, that’s it. Gimme your underwear.