[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is entering and talking.]
Joey : I’m telling you, that girl totally winked at me.
The Gang : She did not wink at you…she was not winking at you…
[The gang looks around and sees that Central Perk is packed and there is no place to sit. They all stare around in disbelief.]
Chandler : Huh.
[They all turn, sulk, and slowly walk out.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table eating breakfast.]
Ross : I have to say “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison.
Rachel : No way. The most romantic song ever was “The Way We Were.”
Phoebe : Uh, see I think the one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on “Who’s The Boss?”
Rachel : What song is that, Pheebs?
Phoebe : [singing] Hold me close, young Tony Danza…
[Ross and Rachel stare dumbfounded at Phoebe. Then, Monica walks from her bedroom to the bathroom, looking depressed and miserable.]
Rachel : Hi, Monica.
Ross : Hi, Mon.
[Monica nods and keeps walking, looking awful.]
Phoebe : Oh my god, has she slept at all?
Ross : Nope.
Rachel : No. It’s been three nights in a row.
Ross : Yeah. She finally stopped crying yesterday. But then, she found one of Richard’s cigar butts out on the terrace and…
Phoebe : Oh, okay, that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning. And all I could hear was like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought, “Oh. Okay. So it’s like a mouse or a possum.” Then I realized, like, okay, where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call?
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Joey is walking toward the kitchen counter where Chandler is standing drinking a cup of coffee.]
Chandler : Morning.
Joey : Morning. Hey, you made pancakes?
Chandler : Yeah. Like there’s any way I could ever do that.
[Janice walks in, holding a bottle a syrup and singing.]
Janice : [singing] Monica and Rachel had syrup, uh-uh, now I can get my man to cheer up. [stops singing, laughs in that annoying tone] Good morning, Joey.
Joey : [grumbling] Good morning.
Chandler : Hey, you know what, here’s a thought. Why don’t you stay home from work today and just hang out with me?
Janice : Oh, I wish. Listen, honey, you have that report to finish and I’ve got to go see my lawyer.
Chandler : I cannot believe I’m going out with somebody who’s getting divorced. I’m such a grown-up.
Janice : [laughs] I got to go. I got to go. Okay, not without a kiss.
Chandler : Well, maybe I won’t kiss you and then you’ll have to stay.
Joey : [angrily] Kiss her. Kiss her.
[Janice and Chandler kiss.]
Janice : I’ll see you later, sweetie. Bye, Joey.
Joey : Bye-bye, Janice. [Janice leaves] So, when are you dumping her?
Chandler : Nope. Not this time.
Joey : Come on, quit yanking me.
Chandler : I’m not yanking you.
Joey : This is Janice.
Chandler : Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
Joey : Okay. Alright. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you’re not breaking up with her. No blinking.
Chandler : [looking directly at Joey without blinking] I’m not breaking up with her.
[Joey stares at Chandler in disbelief. Then he blows in Chandler’s eyes to force him to blink. Chandler jumps back.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Still eating breakfast. Monica is coming out of bathroom toward kitchen table where Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting.]
Monica : Guys, look what I found in the drain. It’s some of Richard’s hair. What do I do with this?
Ross : Getting it away from me would be job one.
Monica : It’s weird, but, you know, I don’t want to throw this away. I mean, this is like all I have left of him… gRoss, drain hair. Eww!
[She throws the hair down which lands in Ross cereal bowl.]
Phoebe : Eww! It looks like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal.
[Ross gets up to throw out the cereal which is now contaminated by drain hair.]
Monica : God, what is wrong with me?
Ross : You need to get some sleep.
Monica : I need to get some Richard.
Rachel : Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
Monica : I know. I know. But I’m so tired of missing him. I’m tired of wondering why he hasn’t called. [angrily] Why hasn’t he called?
Phoebe : Maybe cause you told him not to.
Monica : [to Phoebe] What are you? The memory woman?
Joey : [barges in] They’re not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. They’re not breaking up. He didn’t blink or anything.
Rachel : Well, you know, I’m not surprised. I mean, have you seen them together? They’re really cute.
Joey : Cute. This is Janice. You remember Janice?
Rachel : Yes, Joey, I remember. She’s annoying. But you know what, she’s his girlfriend now. I mean, what can we do?
Joey : There you go. That’s the spirit I’m looking for. What can we do? Alright, who’s first? Ross?
Ross : Well, I’m thinking Chandler’s our friend and Janice makes him happy. So, I say we all just be adults about it and accept her.
Joey : We’ll call that plan B. Alright.
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel are laying in bed. Ross is working on a report. Rachel started nuzzling and nibbling on his ear and stuff.]
Rachel : Honey, I was wondering. Do you still have that Navy uniform?
Ross : No, I had to return it to the costume place. I think I have an old band uniform from high school.
Rachel : You remember not having sex in high school, right? [pause] Well, honey, what about you? I mean, you have any fun fantasy-type things?
Ross : No.
Rachel : Come on, you gotta have one.
Ross : Nope.
Rachel : Ross, you know what? If you tell me, I might do it.
Ross : Okay. Uh, you ever see, um, “Return Of The Jedi?”
Rachel : Yeah.
Ross : You remember the scene with Jabba the Hutt? Well, Jabba had as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. [Rachel smiles, starting to understand where this is going] Princess Leia was wearing this gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe : Oh yeah, Princess Leia and the gold bikini. Every guy our age loved that.
Rachel : Really?
Phoebe : Mmm hmm. It’s huge. Yeah, that’s the moment when she stopped being a princess and she became like, you know, a woman.
Rachel : Did you ever do the Leia thing?
Phoebe : Oh yeah… [shivers] ohhh!
Rachel : Really? That great, huh?
Phoebe : No. It’s just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate.
[Ross enters pulling a feeble, drab Monica.]
Ross : Hey.
Rachel : Hi, you guys.
Ross : Look who I found standing outside the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
Rachel : Mon? Hi. Why aren’t you at work?
Monica : [dazed] Oh, they sent me home.
Rachel : Why?
Monica : [still dazed] Because I don’t work at the Szechwan Dragon.
Rachel : You really, really need to get some sleep.
Monica : I know I do.
Ross : [to Rachel] Hi. Guess what? They published my paper.
Rachel : Really? Let me see. Let me see.
Phoebe : Rach! Look! [Phoebe takes two cinnamon buns and puts one over each ear while Rachel is signaling her not to do it] Ooh. Hi. Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me? [laughs gaily] There he is. [Ross stands there looking upset]
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Joey is watching Wheel Of Fortune sitting in the recliner. Chandler is just walking in. The player on TV is working on a puzzle with the letters -OUN- RUSH-ORE. The M and the T are missing.]
Chandler : Hey.
Joey : Wheel
Chandler : Of
Joey : Fortune. This guy is so stupid. It’s Count Rushmore!
Chandler : You know, you should really go on this show. Alright, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What do you say?
Joey : I say I am there. Cool. Oh. Is Ross going too?
Chandler : No. Janice.
Joey : [in a whiny voice] Janice… [looking up at Chandler and noticing the expression] …cause I just, feel bad for Ross. You know, we always go together. We’re like the three hockey-teers.
Chandler : You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you have a problem with Janice?
Joey : No…yes. God, how do I say this? Oh. You know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair?
Chandler : Eww, that girl that I hate. Eww, drives me crazy. Eww! Eww! Ohh.
Joey : Look, I don’t hate Janice. She’s just a lot to take. You know?
Chandler : Well, there you go.
Joey : Hey, come on, man. Don’t look at me like that. She used to drive you nuts before too. Remember?
Chandler : Yeah, well, I’m crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital “R”, capital “T”. [Joey gets a confused look on his face.] Don’t worry; those are the right letters.
Joey : Look. What do you want me to say?
Chandler : I want you to say that you like her.
Joey : I can’t. It’s like this chemical thing. You know? Everytime she starts laughing, I just want to pull my arm off, just so I have something to throw at her.
Chandler : Thanks for trying. [he takes the tickets from Joey’s hand and turns to leave] Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore! [slams the door]
Joey : Yeah, then who’s the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are coming through the door.]
Ross : How could you have told her?
Rachel : Ross, I didn’t think it would that big a deal.
Ross : [to the air] Oh, she didn’t think it would be that big a deal.
Rachel : Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?
Ross : Look, that was supposed to be like, a private, personal thing between us.
Rachel : Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend. We tell each other everything. You know? Guys do the same thing. What about that locker room stuff?
Ross : That’s different. Okay. That’s like “Who dated a stripper?” or “Who did it on the back of the Stanton Island Ferry?”
Rachel : Both of those Joey?
Ross : Yeah. [pause] You don’t talk about your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you do with her.
Rachel : Not even with your best friend?
Ross : No.
Rachel : That is so sad. You’re missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. Knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.
Ross : So what, you tell each other everything?
Rachel : Pretty much.
Ross : Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?
Rachel : Uh, honey, that was with Carol.
Ross : I know, but it’s still worth mentioning, right?
[Scene: Monica’s bedroom. Monica is laying in bed. Phoebe is sitting next to the bed. There is relaxing music playing and candles lit everywhere.]
Phoebe : Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close your eyes. And think of a happy place. Tell me your happy place.
Monica : Richard’s living room, drinking wine.
Phoebe : No. No. Not a Richard thing. Just put down the glass, and get out.
Monica : Sorry, but that’s my happy place.
Phoebe : Well, okay, fine. Use my happy place, okay. I’m just gonna have to ask that you don’t move anything.
Monica : Alright, I’ll try not to.
Phoebe : Alright. So, you’re in a meadow. Millions of stars in the sky.
Monica : Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?
Phoebe : Okay, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just the warm breeze and the moonlight flowing through the tree.
Monica : I’ll bet he’s totally over me. I’ll bet he’s fine.
Phoebe : Betting and wagering of any kind are, I’m sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just the lovely waterfalls, and the trickling fountains, and the calming sounds of the babbling brook…
Monica : Okay, this isn’t working. I’m still awake and now I have to pee. [she climbs out of bed and leaves the room]
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Janice and Joey are both there, standing around.]
Janice : So, I hear you hate me.
Joey : I never said hate. I was very careful about that.
Janice : A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.
Joey : And you got hate from that? You’re taking a big leap there.
Janice : Alright. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. We have got to do something about our little situation here, Joey. So, this is my idea. You and me spending some quality time together.
Joey : But, what does that…?
Janice : For Chandler!
Joey : Okay. I’m in.
Janice : Okay. Alright, this is what we’re going to call it. Joey’s and Janice’s Day of Fun.
Joey : [dragging Joey toward the door]Does it have to be a whole day?
Janice : Yes, because that’s how long it takes to love me.
Joey : [mumbling under breath] Yeah, I know. I sleep in the next room.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, except Joey. Monica is walking in with a box of videocassettes in a box.]
Monica : [sobbing] So, I went down to the Post Office. It turns out it was the videos I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. [Monica starts crying] He loved the Civil War.
Phoebe : Monica, do you want us to take you home?
Monica : Uh-huh. [looking over toward Ross on the couch] Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away.
[Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel leave.]
Ross : [to Chandler] Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
Chandler : Yeah.
Ross : No. Chandler, everything. Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth.
Chandler : Girth? Why why why why why why would they do this?
Ross : Rachel says sharing’s great. Supposedly, we oughta be doing it. So, you wanna?
Chandler : We’re not gonna talk about girth, are we?
Ross : No.
Chandler : Yeah. Okay. You go first.
Ross : Okay, I’ll go first. So, the other night, Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies. And I happen to describe a particular Star Wars thing.
Chandler : Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
Ross : Yes! Yes! [high fives] Wow! That was easy. Okay, you go.
Chandler : Okay. Well, you know, when you’re in bed with a woman. And uh, your foolin around with her and you get all these mental images in your brain. Like Elle McPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place.
Ross : With the belly button ring.
Chandler : Yeah. And then, all of a sudden, your mom pops in your head. And you’re like, “Mom, get out of here.” You know, but after that, you can’t possibly think of anything else. And you can’t stop what you’re doing, so it’s kind of like, you’re, you know, you know. [Ross stares at him, shocked] You don’t know.
Ross : Your mom? Your telling me about your mom? What’s the matter with you? I said share, not scare. Go sit over there. [points to table on other side of room where Chandler scampers to and puts his head down]
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is standing in the living room. Joey and Janice are returning from the “Day of Fun.”]
Janice : We’re back.
Chandler : Hey. What are you guys doing together?
Janice : [singing] Joey and Janice’s Day Of Fun [annoying laugh]
Chandler : Really?
Joey : Yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. [Joey laughs and Janice laughs happily] You have got competition, buddy.
Janice : I just came by to give you a kiss. [Chandler and Janice kiss] I have to go pick up the babies. So, I’ll see you later, sweetheart. You too, Chandler. [annoying laugh as she leaves]
Chandler : You still can’t stand her, can you?
Joey : Sorry, man, I tried. I really did.
Chandler : Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.
Joey : But, hey, you know the good thing is, that we spent the whole day together, and I survived. And what’s even more amazing, so did she. It was Bat Day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler : I guess that’s something.
Joey : Oh, man, that’s huge. Now I know I can stand to be around her. Which means, I get to hang out with you. Which is kinda the whole point anyway.
Chandler : [unimpressed] Okay.
Joey : Oh. Hey Chandler, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler : Oh god.
Joey : If it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
Chandler : Really?
Joey : Oh, yeah. I always picture your mom when I’m having sex.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is laying on couch watching Civil War tapes and smoking a cigar. There is a knock at the door. Monica gets up, mutes the television, and walks over to answer it.]
Monica : Hi, Dad. What are you doing here?
Dad : Well, it’s your mother’s bridge night, so I thought I’d come into the city for a little moni-cuddle. [they hug] Since when did you start smoking cigars?
Monica : I don’t. I just like the smell of them. [they walk over to the couch] So, what are you really doing here, Dad?
Dad : I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.
Monica : What makes you think that I might not be okay?
Dad : I saw Richard.
Monica : Oh.
Dad : So, how you doing?
Monica : Fine. Just a little tired. I’m okay. How’s Richard doing?
Dad : You don’t want to know.
Monica : No, I really, really do.
Dad : [sits on the couch] Well, he’s doing terrible.
Monica : Really?
Dad : Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.
Monica : You’re not just saying that, are you?
Dad : No, the man is a mess.
Monica : Was he crying?
Dad : No.
Monica : Well, do you think he was waiting til after you left so he could cry?
Dad : Maybe.
Monica : I think so.
Dad : Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me. You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for awhile. It seems her father, your grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam’s nickel because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time, however…
[He looks over at Monica, who is now fast asleep. He pulls the blanket over her, kisses her cheek, takes the cigar, and turns the volume on up the television.]
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross is in bed, humming the Star Wars theme music. Rachel comes out dressed in a robe with her hair tied in buns.]
Rachel : Okay, here we go. [she pulls off the robe to reveal the gold bikini] I’m Jabba’s prisoner and you…have a really weird look on your face… honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?
Ross : No. It’s not you, it’s… [suddenly, instead of Rachel standing there, Ross sees his mother dressed in the outfit]
Rachel (in mother’s voice : Well, what is it? Come on, sweetie, you’re kinda like freakin’ me out here.
Ross : I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life.