[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel’s.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
Commercial Voiceover : Can’t get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth…
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
Commercial Voiceover : …With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, ’cause it’s a jungle out there.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
Ross : That commercial always makes me so sad.
Joey : Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
Ross : I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
Phoebe : I can see that, ’cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
Monica : And the fact that they’re both monkeys.
Ross : Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
Rachel : Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
Ross : Remember when sometimes he’d borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there’d be little monkey raisins in it.
Chandler : Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss’s hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
[Joey enters holding a letter]
Joey : Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
Chandler : Rhythm?
Joey : No, my first fan mail.
All : Alright!
Monica : [reading] ‘Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.’ Gosh. ‘Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.’ Ooh wait, ‘PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.’
Rachel : Ya know, in crazy world, that means you’re married.
Monica : This wasn’t addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There’s no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
Joey : Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
[Ross enters with a suitcase]
Ross : Hey guys.
All : Hey.
Phoebe : Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin’ Jake?
Ross : Well, there’s this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I’d go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
Chandler : You know I think he will be surprised, ’till he realizes he’s a monkey, and uh, you know, isn’t capable of that emotion.
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]
Rachel : Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
Phoebe : Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I’m telling you a story, OK. And, and it’s really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
Phoebe : I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
Rob : Hi. I’m Rob Dohnen.
Phoebe : Hi Rob Dohnen.
Rob : I don’t know anything about music, but I think you’re really, really great.
Phoebe : Oh, wow.
Rob : Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
Phoebe : Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you’re, you’re the, you’re, me play the songs that I will write for them.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
Joey : Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
Chandler : Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
[door buzzer goes off]
Chandler : Hello.
Erica : It’s Erica.
Joey : Ah, the stalker.
Erica : Never mind, it’s open.
Chandler : [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan’s a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn’t a cartoon.
Joey : Let’s get out of here.
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel’s door]
Chandler : The one time they’re not home.
Joey : OK, we’ll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won’t know it’s me ’cause we’ve never met.
Chandler : That’s how radio stars escape stalkers.
Joey : She’s comin’.
[Both run back in their apartment. There’s a knock at the door.]
Erica : It’s me.
Joey : Uhh, this is it, this is how we’re gonna die. Ready?
Chandler : Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he’s holding]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
Erica : Hi.
Joey : Erica.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
Lipson : Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
Ross : Well, I uh, I can’t seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He’s a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
Lipson : Ahh, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
Ross : Oh my God, what happened?
Lipson : Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
Ross : I can’t believe this.
Lipson : I’m sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there’s an old saying, ‘Sometimes monkeys die.’ It’s not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
Ross : Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
Lipson : I’m sorry. Look, I know this can’t bring him back but here, it’s just a gesture.
Ross : Zoo dollars?
Lipson : Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it’s a lot cuter if your monkey hasn’t just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
Kids : Ooohhh.
Phoebe : I know.
Monica : I can’t believe Joey’s having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
Chandler : Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
Rachel and Monica : Yeah.
Chandler : Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
Rachel : And she’s not crazy?
Chandler : Oh no no no, she’s a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Rachel : Oh my God.
Monica : Ah, and I mean, he’s going out with her? He can not persue this.
Chandler : Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn’t mean she’s not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What’re you lookin’ at me for? He’s the one who wants to boff the maniac.
Rob : You OK?
Phoebe : No, uh-uh, I’m just, I’m nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
Rob : That’s not a good idea, that’s kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
Phoebe : I’m just, I’m, I’m, I’m used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
Ross : I was thinkin’ about it.
Phoebe : OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let’s play some tunes. Hi everybody, I’m Phoebe
All : Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe : OK, um, I’m gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma’s a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn’t been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la…
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]
Erica : Oh, Drake, isn’t it amazing?
Joey : Yeah it is. . . what?
Erica : Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone’s spinal cord.
Joey : Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
Erica : Who’s they?
Joey : No one.
Erica : Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won’t.
Joey : Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
Erica : No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
Joey : Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you’re good at that.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
Waiter : Oh my God! Someone, he’s choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
Erica : Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
Janitor : Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
Ross : Uhh, hey look, I don’t really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
Janitor : It’s about your monkey. It’s alive.
[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]
Erica : I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man?
Joey : Uhh, cause, uhh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
Erica : No, no no no, you don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
Joey : But that’s what…
Erica : I should just be happy to be near you.
Joey : Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]
Erica : Hey what?
Joey : That’s it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]
Phoebe : [singing] There’ll be times when you get older
when you’ll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
Cause that’s another thing that you don’t wanna do, everybody
That’s another thing that you don’t wanna do.
Monica : Excellent!
Chandler : Very informative!
Rachel : Not at all inappropriate!
Phoebe : Thank you for coming everybody. There’re cookies in the back.
Rob : That was great, the kids loved you.
Phoebe : Yay, I rock.
Rob : And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
Phoebe : But.
Rob : How did you know there was a but?
Phoebe : I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
Rob : The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin’ that you’d play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
Phoebe : I can do that.
Rob : Really?
Phoebe : Yeah.
Rob : Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
Phoebe : Thinkin’ about it.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
Janitor : Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
Ross : Buddy, my monkey?
Janitor : Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
Ross : Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
Janitor : The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
Ross : That, that’s the only thing the zoo’s ever told me.
Janitor : Of course they’re gonna say he’s dead. They don’t want the bad publicity. It’s all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
Ross : That guy Lipson?
Janitor : Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
Ross : No, I, I only know Lipson.
Janitor : Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with…
Ross : Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
Janitor : Word on the street – well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
Ross : Of course.
Janitor : Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That’s all I know.
Ross : This is unbelievable.
Janitor : So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
Ross : Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Janitor : Maybe.
Ross : But you already told me everything.
[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]
Ross : Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
Rachel : Well, so what’re you gonna do?
Ross : Well, I guess I’m gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
Chandler : That’s what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
Phoebe : OK, hi again.
All : Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe : Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing]Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
Tv doctor : You’re the only one who can save her Drake.
Joey ON TV : Damnit, I’m a doctor, I’m not God.
Ross : Well, there goes my whole belief system.
[knock at the door]
Erica : It’s Erica.
Joey : Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
Rachel : No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
Joey : Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
Rachel : Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
Monica : Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
Joey : Hey Erica, c’mon in.
Erica : How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
Joey : Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What’s up?
Erica : Ohh, and I see you’re having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
Joey : Who?
Erica : Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor’s lounge.
Joey : It’s not what you think, that was…
Erica : You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
Joey : Alright look, that’s it. I don’t think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
Erica : Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
Joey : Somebody wanna help me out here?
Rachel : Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
Erica : How, how can you be here and there.
Joey : ‘Cause it’s a television show.
Erica : Drake, what’re you getting at?
Joey : I’m not Drake.
Ross : That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin.
Erica : Is this true?
Rachel : Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
Monica : And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. [throws water in his face]
Chandler : And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
Erica : Is all this true?
Joey : Yes, I’m afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he’s the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he’s the guy for you.
Erica : Oh Hans. [They kiss]
Ross : Hans…Hans…Yo evil twin.
Joey : Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
Erica : I’ll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
Joey : OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe : Fired! Why?
Rob : The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
Phoebe : I can’t believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
Rob : No.
Phoebe : I see.
Rob : Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
Phoebe : No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob : I’m not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe : Who’s Barney.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
Ross : Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he’s healthy, he’s happy, and he’s right here in New York filming Outbreak II – The Virus Takes Manhattan.
Rachel : You’re kidding.
Joey : This is amazing.
Ross : I know.
Joey : I finally get a part on TV and the monkey’s makin’ movies.
Phoebe : OK, Rachel, I’m ready.
Rachel : OK.
[little kid enters]
Kid : Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
Phoebe : Um, yeah I guess that’s me.
Kid : [shouting out the door] She’s here.
[a rush of kids enter]
Phoebe : [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they’re kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la…