[Pre- intro scene: Chandler’s office block. Chandler is on a coffee break.]
Shelley : Hey gorgeous, how’s it going?
Chandler : Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights… does it get better than this?
Shelley : Question. You’re not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler : Ah, y’see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said ‘co-dependent’, or ‘self-destructive’…
Shelley : Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler : Yes please.
Shelley : Okay. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s-
Chandler : He’s a he?
Shelley : Well yeah! …Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I’m just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now- [backs out of the room] -okay, goodbye…
[Scene 1: Mon+Rach’s. Everyone is there.]
Chandler : …Couldn’t enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel : Um… yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y’know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be…
Chandler : You did?
Rachel : Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe’s entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler : Huh. Did, uh… any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Monica : I did.
Phoebe : Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey : Not me.
Ross : Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y’know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler : You’re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn’t?
Ross : No. No, it’s just ’cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also liked her, so…
[Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler’s look and abruptly stops]
Chandler : Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Phoebe : I dunno, ’cause you’re smart, you’re funny…
Chandler : Ross is smart and funny, d’you ever think that about him?
All : Yeah! Right!
Chandler : WHAT IS IT?!
Monica : Okay, I-I d’know, you-you just- you have a quality.
All : Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler : Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
[Phone rings; Mon gets it]
Monica : Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it’s Paolo calling from Rome.
Rachel : Oh my God! Calling from Rome! [Takes phone] Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross : [To Joey] So he’s calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel : Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. [Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler] I’m talking to Rome.
Monica : Hey dad, what’s up? Oh God. Ross, it’s Nana.
[Scene 2: Hospital.
[ Mr.+Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter. Everyone says hi and kisses]
Ross : So, uh, how’s she doing?
Aunt Lillian : The doctor says it’s a matter of hours.
Monica : How-how are you, Mom?
Mrs. Geller : Me? I’m fine, fine. I’m glad you’re here. …What’s with your hair?
Monica : What?
Mrs. Geller : What’s different?
Monica : Nothing.
Mrs. Geller : Oh, maybe that’s it.
[Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside]
Monica : She is unbelievable, our mother is…
Ross : Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica : Oh God!
[They hug. Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana]
Monica : The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross : Oh! …Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet ‘n’ Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mr. Geller : Not just restaurants, from our house.
[The nurse comes out of Nana’s room]
Nurse : Mrs. Geller?
[Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana’s room]
Ross : She looks so small.
Monica : I know.
Ross : Well, at least she’s with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Monica : G’bye, Nana. [She kisses her on the forehead]
Ross : Bye, Nana.
[He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room]
Monica : Ross!
[Ross runs out too]
Mrs. Geller : What is going on?!
Ross : Y’know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she’s not, quite..
Mrs. Geller : What?
Ross : She’s not- past, she’s present, she’s back.
Aunt Lillian : [Reentering] What’s going on?
Mr. Geller : She may have died.
Aunt Lillian : She may have died?
Mr. Geller : We’re looking into it.
[Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana’s room]
Ross : I, uh, I’ll go see. [He goes in]
Nurse : This almost never happens!
[Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family]
Ross : Now she’s passed.
[Scene 3: Central Perk.
[ The other four are there]
Chandler : I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel : [Exasperated] Yes, Chandler, that’s exactly what it is. It’s your hair.
Phoebe : Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
[Enter Monica and Ross]
Rachel : So, um, did she…
Ross : Twice.
Joey : Twice?
Phoebe : Oh, that sucks!
Joey : You guys okay?
Ross : I dunno, it’s weird. I mean, I know she’s gone, but I just don’t feel, uh…
Phoebe : Maybe that’s ’cause she’s not really gone.
Ross : Nono, she’s gone.
Monica : We checked. A lot.
Phoebe : Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she’s like right here, y’know? [She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously] Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y’know? …I miss her.
Rachel : Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? [Gives her a pencil]
Phoebe : Thanks!
Rachel : Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey : Now, see, I don’t believe any of that. I think once you’re dead, you’re dead! You’re gone! You’re worm food! [Realises his tactlessness] …So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe : Y’know, I dunno who this is, but it’s not Debbie. [Hands back the pencil]
Scene 4 : Nana’s house.
[ Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes]
Ross : I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller : Well, that doesn’t mean she can’t look nice!
[They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers]
Mrs. Geller : Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross : [Sarcastic] I don’t see why not.
[He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout]
Ross : Here’s my retainer!
Scene 5 : Mon+Rach’s.
[ Monica is talking to her father]
Mr. Geller : I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Monica : Dad!
Mr. Geller : Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
Monica : You what?
Mr. Geller : I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica : Define fun.
Mr. Geller : C’mon, you’ll make a day of it! You’ll rent a boat, pack a lunch…
Monica : …And then we throw your body in the water… Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller : Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says ‘Jack Geller, so predictable’. Maybe after I’m gone, they’ll say ‘Buried at sea! Huh!’.
Monica : That’s probably what they’ll say.
Mr. Geller : I’d like that.
Scene 6 : Chandler’s office block.
[ Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters]
Chandler : Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley : [Sheepish] Hey. Look, I’m sorry about yesterday, I, um-
Chandler : No, nono, don’t- don’t worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Shelley : Oh! Okay! Phew!
Chandler : So, uh… what do you think it is about me?
Shelley : I dunno, uh… you just have a-a…
Chandler : …Quality, right, great.
Shelley : Y’know, it’s a shame, because you and Lowell would’ve made a great couple.
Chandler : Lowell? Financial Services’ Lowell, that’s who you saw me with?
Shelley : What? He’s cute!
Chandler : Well, yeah… ‘s’no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley : Is Brian…?
Chandler : No! Uh, I d’know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I’d like to think you’d set me up with someone like him.
Shelley : Well, I think Brian’s a little out of your league.
Chandler : Excuse me? You don’t think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. …I’m really not.
[Cut to Nana’s]
Ross : [Holding a dress out from inside the closet] This one?
Aunt Lillian : No.
Ross : I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian : You know, whatever we pick, she would’ve told us it’s the wrong one.
Mrs. Geller : You’re right. We’ll go with the burgundy.
Ross : Oh! A fine choice. I’m coming out. [Starts to climb over the furniture]
Aunt Lillian : Wait! We need shoes!
[Ross falls back inside]
Ross : Okay. Um, how about these? [Holds out a pair]
Mrs. Geller : That’s really a day shoe.
Ross : And where she’s going everyone else’ll be dressier?
Aunt Lillian : Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross : [Forages around] Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian : No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller : Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
Ross : No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
[He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet ‘n’ Los.]
Ross : Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller : Is everything all right, dear?
Ross : Yeah, just… just Nana stuff.
[He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet ‘n’ Los rain down on him]
Scene 7 : Mon+Rach’s.
[ Mon+Rach are preparing to leave for the funeral]
Ross : [Entering] How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica : Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross : Some days it’s all I can think about.
Phoebe : [Entering] Hi, sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my bearings.
Rachel : Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe : What’d I say?
Rachel : [Sticking her foot out]Hm-m.
Monica : Are these the shoes?
Rachel : Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross : What, we-uh- we don’t have shoes here, or…?
Joey : [Entering with Chandler] Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler : Well, don’t we look nice all dressed up?…It’s stuff like that, isn’t it?
[They all leave]
Scene 8 : The cemetary, after the funeral
Monica : It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller : It really was. Oh, c’mere, sweetheart. [Hugs her] Y’know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
[Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching]
Joey : What?
Chandler : Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Joey : Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. [He has a pocket TV]
Chandler : You’re watching a football game at a funeral?
Joey : No, it’s the pre-game. I’m gonna watch it at the reception.
Chandler : You are a frightening, frightening man.
[Rachel steps in a patch of mud]
Rachel : Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross : Oh, I hope they’re not ruined.
Phoebe : God, what a great day. …What? Weather-wise!
Ross : I know, uh, the air, the-the trees… even though Nana’s gone there’s, there’s something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- [Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave]
All : God! Ross!
Ross : I’m fine. Just-just… having my worst fear realised…
Scene 9 : The wake, at the Gellers’ house.
[ Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he’s injured]
Phoebe : Okay, don’t worry, I’m just checking to see if the muscle’s in spasm…huh.
Ross : What, what is it?
Phoebe : You missed a belt loop.
Ross : Oh! No-n-
Phoebe : Okay, it’s in spasm.
Mrs. Geller : Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. [Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears]
[Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat]
Chandler : Oh, no-
Andrea : Sorry- Hi, I’m Dorothy’s daughter.
Chandler : Hi, I’m Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
[They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned]
Phoebe : Hey, look who’s up! How do you feel?
Ross : I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica : Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross : Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! …I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister [Kisses Mon], I love Pheebs.. [Hugs her]
Phoebe : Ooh! That’s so nice…
Ross : …Chandler!
Chandler : Hey.
Ross : [Hugs him] And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn’t matter to me.
Andrea : [Turns to a friend] You were right. [They walk off and leave Chandler.]
Ross : Rachel. Rachel Rachel. [Sits down beside her] I love you the most.
Rachel : [Humouring him] Oh, well you know who I love the most?
Ross : No.
Rachel : You!
Ross : Oh.. you don’t get it! [Passes out and slumps across her]
[Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment]
Mr. Geller : Whaddya got there?
Joey : [Hides the TV, but he still has an earphone] Just a, uh… hearing disability.
Mr. Geller : What’s the score?
Joey : Seventeen-fourteen Giants… three minutes to go in the third.
Mr. Geller : Beautiful! [Turns to watch with him]
[Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game]
Rachel : [Still trapped under Ross] Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
Mrs. Geller : [To Mon] Your grandmother would have hated this.
Monica : Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller : No, I’d be hearing about ‘Why didn’t I get the honey-glazed ham?’, I didn’t spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she’d be saying ‘Why are you wasting your money? I don’t need flowers, I’m dead’.
Monica : That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller : Do you know what it’s like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?
Monica : …I can imagine.
Mrs. Geller : I’m telling you, it’s a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.
Monica : That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller : Tell her what?
Monica : How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair… for example.
Mrs. Geller : I’m not sure I know what you’re getting at.
Monica : Do you think things would have been better if you’d just told her the truth?
Mrs. Geller : …No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it’s nicer when people just get along.
Monica : Huh.
Mrs. Geller : More wine, dear?
Monica : Oh, I think so.
Mrs. Geller : [Reaches out to fiddle with Mon’s hair again, and realises] Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Monica : Thank you. They’re yours.
Mrs. Geller : Actually they were Nana’s.
[There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.]
Mr. Geller : Now I’m depressed! …[To everyone] Even more than I was.
Scene 10 : Central Perk.
[ The gang are looking at old photos]
Rachel : Hey, who’s this little naked guy?
Ross : That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel : Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross : Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?
Chandler : Who are those people?
Ross : Got me.
Monica : Oh, that’s Nana, right there in the middle. [Reads the back] ‘Me and the gang at Java Joe’s’.
Rachel : Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica : Let’s see, 1939… yeah, 24, 25?
Ross : Looks like a fun gang. [They all look at each other and smile]
Joey : Ooh, look look look look look! I got Monica naked!
Ross : [Looking] Nono, that would be me again. I’m, uh, just trying something.
Scene : Chandler’s office block, yet another coffee break. Enter Lowell…
Chandler : Hey, Lowell.
Lowell : Hey, Chandler.
Chandler : So how’s it going there in Financial Services?
Lowell : It’s like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How ’bout you?
Chandler : Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh… I’m not.
Lowell : I know. That’s what I told her.
Chandler : Really.
Lowell : Yeah.
Chandler : So- you can tell?
Lowell : Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of… radar.
Chandler : So you don’t think I have a, a quality?
Lowell : Speaking for my people, I’d have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.
Chandler : He is ?
Lowell : Yup, and waaay out of your league. [Exits]
Chandler : Out of my league. I could get a Brian. [Brian enters behind him] If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. [Sees him] Hey, Brian.